Happy to have found this place

[radish9000]

Hello,

I had a severe bout of anxiety the other day, and I'm shaky. I started reading about NPD and "realised" (or I am at least starting to consider the possibility) that my brother and possibly more family members are narcissistic.

I decided to look for support on Reddit, and someone pointed me to an article on this site which was helpful. So here I am, and I guess it's okay to give some background, though right now I feel like a mess, I can't think straight.

I've been an anxious "sensitive" person (wimp, as my brother says) my whole life. Never stood up for myself, bullied in school, youngest in a large family so pushed around by my siblings as well. I was always aware of this, but never thought about it. I think I've been having so much anxiety that I can hardly do anything, or think about anything. "Out of the FOG" reminds me of the fog that is always in my head of worrying. Despite these things I didn't understand what anxiety was until a few years ago (late twenties now). I have learning problems, it's very hard to understand concepts or read anything due to anxiety.

My brother is a bully. He is scheming and seems truly vicious at times. The other day I was so anxious that I was lying in my bed 12 hours straight through the night, tremoring. Any stress triggers anxiety about my brother. I think about him *very much* and mostly in a negative way, except during periods when I feel less depressed and he's nicer, then I still think about him a lot. I realised a couple of years ago that he was manipulating me and getting me to do things he wanted, but I didn't consider it too bad at the time.

Someone linked a list of "options you may not realize that you have" on Reddit. Most of the options, when I imagined taking them, gave me anxiety, because they involve "fighting back". I stopped trying years ago after being laughed in my face every single time. But right now I am constantly (all day long) imagining how I'll defend myself next time (I rarely do, and if I am in a defensive mood, he just becomes more subtle). I am trying to turn my thoughts from "Why is he so awful", "That is hypocritical, I'll tell him...", "Why can't he just leave me alone?" to "He is doing everything on purpose".

I could write more, but not sure people will bother to read. I have so much anxiety because of him. I feel like I can't live my life.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group radish,

growing up where this kind of abuse is the 'normal' makes it even more of a struggle to move Out of the FOG.  you have taken a very big step towards your own healing and growth,  which is commendable, esp if you are still in regular contact with your brother.

as you digest the articles and read on the forum be gentle with yourself and know that it's ok to take a step back to process and to grieve if you become overwhelmed.  in my own situation with anxiety- i participated here and worked with my GP and the therapist to get a handle on what i was experiencing so it didn't hold me hostage to fear when i was dealing with a work situation with a uNPD.

when you are ready to share more of the specifics of your day-to- day relationship with your brother, we're listening.  a good place to find others dealing with sibling relationships can be found here-

Dealing with PD Siblings and other Family Members


hope to see you on the boards soon-

[radish9000]

Thanks for the reply xredshoesx.

I read a bit on the Siblings subforum, a lot of it is relatable, apart from any physical/ sexual abuse.

Some of the things I read so far make me feel very good and relaxed, I don't need to accept that behaviour. If they can't behave, I don't have to meet them. Well I told myself that in the past, but I always forget and slip back into my weak people-pleasing personality. I hope I can make it this time. I really hate myself for "enabling" (learning the jargon here) my brother. Maybe I am in the wrong place, I don't know, we will see.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister.

I find the author and counsellor Kris Godinez very helpful. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better. She gives live talks most Sundays on her YouTube channel called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

Another person I follow on YouTube is Doctor Ramani who talks about narcissism.

[radish9000]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister.

I find the author and counsellor Kris Godinez very helpful. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better. She gives live talks most Sundays on her YouTube channel called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

Another person I follow on YouTube is Doctor Ramani who talks about narcissism.

Thanks for welcoming me and taking them time to reply. Someone mentioned Ramani before, I should give him a go.

Yesterday I felt like I had exaggerated the whole thing, why did I write these posts on this forum and Reddit? It's preposterous. But today I feel awful again, and have a lot of anxiety due to my sibling. It's not normal, certainly not at this age. Partially -- or completely, depending on one's personal philosophy -- it's my own fault for not being resolute when trying to distance myself in the past (I tried a couple of times, before actually considering PDs are involved.)

Right now I am in a constant defensive mode, from waking up at 7 in the morning until I go to bed. Preparing for cutting contact, even though I have no idea when that will happen. I have GAD (though I am not a fan of diagnoses I think) which makes worrying a problem.

[guitarman]

I have learnt about CPTSD Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, anticipatory dread and hypervigilance. I can identify with them all and they explain a lot about how I feel. I can feel anxious all the time.

[radish9000]

guitarman, I would say I have all those problems you've mentioned. Do you also have trouble concentrating and learning because of this? I had severe troubles in school since my early teen years, despite being "intelligent" and scoring highly on standardised tests. I am now at university and struggling so much. My friend told me I seem to have (C)PTSD, since I always have uncontrollable flashbacks from events where people were humiliating me, for example.

Have you been able to relieve the symptoms just by learning about it, or do you take meds or do CBT? I'm trying to read a workbook for GAD (which I was given years ago but did not read.)

[guitarman]

What helped me most, apart from coming to this forum, has been going to mental health carers groups for many years and realising that I am not alone. I have seen mental health carers support workers, a psychiatrist and psychologists. I have been to mental health support groups with service users and ex-service users. They helped me so much as well.

I think the more you learn about mental health issues the more you can find out what you are coping with. I experience flashbacks and nightmares. I was diagnosed with "visual ideation" by a psychiatrist. That means I can see or imagine things because of all the stress I was experiencing.

I went to my local hospital for a Mindfulness course, once a week for six weeks facilitated by a psychologist. It was organised by my GP. I continue to practice Mindfulness meditations ever since.

I was taking antidepressants for three years over a decade ago. I have recently started taking them again and I'm OK with that.

I have learnt a lot from watching YouTube videos about PDs and narcissism.

I realise that I will probably need some sort of support for the rest of my life and that's OK. I am glad to help raise awareness about PDs and abuse. We all need to tell our stories and not be afraid to do so.

When I am stressed and anxious I find it difficult to concentrate.

I posted this in the Other Media Resources section of the forum that you might be interested in

CPTSD Foundation Free Summit

"We Are Healing Trauma 2020"
Free Virtual Summit for Survivors

September 2nd, 2020

Speakers include Doctor Ramani. She has a YouTube channel where she talks about narcissism.

Register for free here

https://cptsdfoundation.org/wearehealingtrauma/

Hopefully you can see a counsellor at university. They will be able to help you further.