She's just never going to be a sweet old lady

[SunnyMeadow]

Here we go again. This is a clear case of "they never change". Things have been going along just fine. My uNPDmother has been on her best behavior for quite a while.  Until today.

She had to send me an email of some imaginary thing she thought up about my husband with some  thrown in. She's just trying to stir up sh*t. She thrives on pot stirring and drama. I sent a short reply that shut her down. Now she's trying to suck up by sending cutesy emails. I'm the only one left, you'd think she wouldn't keep doing this.

She lived up to my image of her being an evil viper in an old lady package once again. I calmed down and really realized, this is how it is with her. She's not going to change because I want her to.  I see it as a sickness and it's shocking. She is really and truly sick in her thinking and relating with people. It's depressing to waste her life thinking this way and nothing will convince her she's wrong. She's always 100% right. Mind boggling.

I guess no real point to this post. Just sharing with all of you who understand the feelings.

Feel free to share your own  moment, or not!

[Adrianna]

They can behave, sure! Anyone can. However look at the pattern and you can see the true personality disorder under it is driving the show. She just kept it in check for a while which I'm sure was much effort for her. It's not easy for them to pretend to be someone they're not.

My grandmother would sometimes go too far, really upset me, then realize that, and sweet talk me. It's all a tactic to get you back in line. She would only do this if she realized I was ready to say "see ya!" If she thought I would still stick around and tolerate it, I'd get shamed, guilted and she might throw in a suicide threat for good measure. All for asking to be treated better by her.

I remember the last time she went too far. I was onto her and she knew it. I was just disgusted by her behavior. They know when someone's in the fog and when they're out. She called me saying I looked so nice yesterday, was I going out somewhere? I was wearing a sweatshirt and jeans. I was like nice try. Not playing.

I realized the past couple years my grandmother had a long history of stirring the pot. Her nephews wife told me that her husband said my grandmother had been doing it since her husband was a little boy. Pitting people against each other, causing drama, lying. What a legacy to leave behind. Like a tornado leaving a path of destruction in its wake.

I understand it's hard to accept, and deep down don't we all wish they would change? It takes time to just accept it. Even my unpd father will throw me a bone here and there and act like he cares. It's short lived and used to really screw with my mind. Cognitive dissonance is real. These days those bones are few and far between but I won't be tricked again into believing he's someone that I know he's not. His behavior over my entire life has been all the proof I need.

[guitarman]

She's not going to change because I want her to. 

I wish I had realised this about my uBPD/NPD sister years ago.

I have learnt to accept that my sister is not going to change and that I can't change her. It's a hard lesson to learn.

I now call my sister my abuser and that I am her target of abuse.

There has been "intermittent periods of positive rewards" where my sister was loving, kind and calm but the abusive behaviour soon returns.

Learning Grey Rock and Medium Chill techniques helped me to emotionally detach.

I care but can't cope.

Observe, don't absorb.

[SunnyMeadow]

Thanks Adrianna and guitarman.

I get lulled into thinking things are going along well with my mother. I start to believe this is how it'll stay from now on then POW, she has to throw a zinger. I know she loves drama and it gives her narcissistic supply but it's usually at my expense. It makes me angry that I'm still the "good girl" in her life and she doesn't hesitate to do what she wants to me.

It hit me that if I stay in contact with her, this is how it is. This is how she lives and relates with people.

Observe, don't absorb.

Such a good saying. I need a wall plaque or a tattoo of this so I don't forget the important message. 

[guitarman]

I learnt about "Observe, don't absorb" from Ross Rosenburg. He has a website and YouTube channel

Ross Rosenburg on YouTube
Observe Don't Absorb Technique Neutralizes Narcissistic Abuse. Narcissists Can't Hurt You with Observe Don't Absorb
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Io15t9V5bXc