I think I need to take a break from my mother...but guilt (oh FOG)

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Blackbird11

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Apologies for length. I need to vent.

What brought me on here was my separation and divorce, but I soon realized that I'm pretty sure my mother is uPD.

She was difficult to live with growing up, but of course I internalized this as my fault - there was something inherently wrong with me and that's why she didn't like me.

My parents went through the incredibly painful experience of losing a child (my sibling) to a brutal terminal illness.

I was very young when it all happened. A few years after my sibling died, my parents divorced and I lived with my mom full time. I did see my dad for visits quite often, however 

It's weird bc it took me until now- my 30s to finally starting to connect the dots on how this all affected me and why I probably chose my stbx uPDh.

I always gave my mom a pass on her behavior bc honestly - what she went through with my sibling is something you don't wish on your worst enemy.  I always thought that whatever was causing her to act erratically and moody was the result of that experience, although I now think it just opened the flood gates on a pre-existing mental health issue.

Our relationship improved when I moved out on my own after college, and improved even further after I had my child. She was supportive in ways that I had never experienced from her before. I'm very grateful for that.

I took this improvement in our relationship as a sign I could confide in her about what was happening in my marriage. This seemed to have triggered her and she would soon start verbally attacking me to essentially blame me for my marriage failure. She is embarrassed I'm getting divorced (even though she is also divorced...). I stopped confiding so much after that and tried to let it go. Through this site I learned tools that helped me not only better cope with uPDh but uPDm as well.

So I tried to keep my venting to my therapist. and just feed uPDm select info without too much detail.

 Well, things have been calm with uPDh for the most part - and it's because I am keeping the peace for the sake of my child. I GR and MC all of the time. However, this past weekend stbx uPDh started to argue with me in front of my son, and while it wasn't a long argument, it triggered me and I felt very low afterward bc my son saw and was upset to see us argue. uPDh is moving out soon, so the chance of this happening again is very low. Honestly we get along much better now (thanks to the separation and tools) than we did as a married couple. It's not easy for me to stuff down my feelings and let things go, but like I said - keeping peace for my kid.

I was so upset after this recent argument, however, that I decided to take a breather and after the argument, left my son with my stbx uPDh (kid was safe, I just didn't want to risk more tension or arguments that day) and I went to uPDm's house to calm down.

I was crying and expressed all my concerns about uPDh. I was honest and vulnerable in a way I prob shouldn't have been, but uPDm seemed very empathetic, kind and understanding.

The next day, uPDm called me and started screaming at me over the phone. She threatened to report me to child services bc there was an argument in front my child.

I am so astonished that my own mother would say that to me. And she meant it. Im not concerned about an investigation - bc my child is well cared for and plenty of people can back me up on that, but the fact that she would threaten adding that to an already difficult situation, and the idea that I don't want what's in the best interest of my child - it crossed a line for me.

My mother is getting older, and on top of everything else she's been through she has a chronic illness and even cancer at one point (she's in remission). I was going to ask if she wanted to live with me after uPDh moves out - not bc Im any kind of saint (I know im not perfect) but bc it felt like the right thing to do.

But forget that - now Im wondering if I should even speak to this woman again.

I understand she lost a child and is triggered by hearing my son experience any kind of pain - physical or emotional. But the amount of vitriol this woman has for me is insane. It honestly feels like she (like uPDh) hates me on some level.

Anyway - I am at least taking a cool down period with her now, and focusing on making it to the finish line as peacefully as humanly possible. Then I can start to figure out how to manage my relationship with uPDm.

Again - sorry. It's long I know.

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: I think I need to take a break from my mother...but guilt (oh FOG)
« Reply #1 on: August 17, 2020, 12:27:06 PM »
The next day, uPDm called me and started screaming at me over the phone. She threatened to report me to child services bc there was an argument in front my child.

I am so astonished that my own mother would say that to me. And she meant it. Im not concerned about an investigation - bc my child is well cared for and plenty of people can back me up on that, but the fact that she would threaten adding that to an already difficult situation, and the idea that I don't want what's in the best interest of my child - it crossed a line for me.

This crosses a line for me too. 100% trust your instincts on this one Blackbird11. This isn't normal at all. This goes against everything a mother and grandmother should do. You know you're doing what's best for your child. Her reaction is mind-boggling really!

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My mother is getting older, and on top of everything else she's been through she has a chronic illness and even cancer at one point (she's in remission). I was going to ask if she wanted to live with me after uPDh moves out - not bc Im any kind of saint (I know im not perfect) but bc it felt like the right thing to do.
But forget that - now Im wondering if I should even speak to this woman again.

I'm so glad you've decided against having her live with you. I say Absolutely Not! If she can threaten calling CPS because of an argument, imagine what else she could do. She could be saying things to your child about you and your ex when she's alone with your child. All kinds of things could be said and done.

I mean, you had an argument. That can be a teachable moment for your child how adults argue sometimes, get over it and then work together; how arguments aren't a child's fault etc. And your mother blew this up into a "calling the authorities" thing?!

Trust how you're feeling, this isn't right. Instead of commiserating with her daughter when you're sharing something painful, she completely flips it into something evil and hurtful. I'm sorry this happened, how awful.

 :hug:

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Concerned One

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Re: I think I need to take a break from my mother...but guilt (oh FOG)
« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2020, 12:36:14 PM »
Hello there.

Regarding guilt: I have been dealing with this. Researching the Superego and the inner critic was quite useful.

Sources: Richard Grannon; Pete Walker

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Blackbird11

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Re: I think I need to take a break from my mother...but guilt (oh FOG)
« Reply #3 on: August 17, 2020, 01:42:44 PM »
Thank you SunnyMeadow. Honestly this is her pattern - feign concern and empathy and then turn around and attack me. At some point I have to learn. This was a big a ha moment for me. I had to draw the line with uPDh and I have to draw the line with her too.

Thanks Concerned One - I'll look into those topics and resources.

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nanotech

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Re: I think I need to take a break from my mother...but guilt (oh FOG)
« Reply #4 on: August 18, 2020, 09:51:33 AM »
While my son was living with me we had an argument over something in front of my granddaughter.  #notmybestmoment
 Granddaughterís mum, ex DIL, heard about it and said it wasnít good for granddaughter to be Ďsubjected to rowsí? 
I felt so upset and guilty.
Spoke to my therapist and guess what-
Arguments happen, even rows happen sometimes, despite our best efforts. As long as the child sees it resolved, itís actually a learning curve for life that sometimes there are disagreements that can become arguments, and from that a compromise or resolution can be found.
In other words, not the end of the world.
Your mum is well out of order.

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Blackbird11

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Re: I think I need to take a break from my mother...but guilt (oh FOG)
« Reply #5 on: August 18, 2020, 01:22:57 PM »
Thank you nanotech - we did somewhat resolve and engage peacefully after the exchange and the rest of the day was calm. We put on a united front for our son most of the time - even though I literally sometimes have to step out of rooms and bite my tongue to not respond to his passive aggressiveness. I think the worst part about the argument the other day is that my son saw me very upset and cry. He didn't cry, but he was saying "Mommy is sad. Mommy, are you ok?" To have an almost 3-year-old say this to you is gut wrenching and trust me - I already question every last decision I have made over the past few years and definitely feel some blame for what is going down. I know I didn't cause and can't cure the PD, but I did make the decision to engage in a long-term relationship with him to begin with. My son is amazing, however, so if it was all for that - worth it.

This is temporary. He will be moving out, likely within the next 8 weeks. I just need to hold out until then. After that it will be SO MUCH EASIER.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: I think I need to take a break from my mother...but guilt (oh FOG)
« Reply #6 on: August 20, 2020, 08:37:35 AM »
It's okay to take a break in a relationship and this book really helped me feel comfortable with taking some space and using it for some productive growth before deciding what the relationship would look like going forward.

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=29251.0
∑ Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
∑ Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
∑ It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
my Empowered Growth blog

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Blackbird11

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Re: I think I need to take a break from my mother...but guilt (oh FOG)
« Reply #7 on: August 20, 2020, 07:25:46 PM »
Wow I'll definitely check that book out. Thank you for the suggestion Spring Butterfly!

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nanotech

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Re: I think I need to take a break from my mother...but guilt (oh FOG)
« Reply #8 on: August 20, 2020, 09:53:35 PM »
Take care Blackbird. Please donít blame yourself for starting your relationship. PDs can be ultra charming and can be quite magnetic in their appeal. ( been there myself when I was younger).
I didnít realise you were still living together- thatís extra hard. Passive aggressiveness is awful to deal with. It goes over the head of any three year old, and he used it to his advantage. I actually hate it and I think itís more damaging than shouting if itís continuous.
It will be better when heís moved out. Donít blame yourself. Your son will be fine because heís got one amazing mum!
« Last Edit: August 20, 2020, 09:57:41 PM by nanotech »

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freedom77

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Re: I think I need to take a break from my mother...but guilt (oh FOG)
« Reply #9 on: August 22, 2020, 12:00:34 PM »
Well, I'm kind of blunt I guess...but I only have two things come to mind. Threats are common among pwPD, and don't let her live with you.

Threatening to report a good parent to child protection is an age old tactic used by pwPD. My own narcissistic mother has been dangling that threat over my head recently as well. Will they actually do it? Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

Time will tell. Just be honest with the case worker, and let them know that your mother, who may have a mental health issue, threatened recently to file a report because she disagrees with your getting divorced. That is helpful information for them to have, in case future reports get made. It's not uncommon for pwPD to make multiple false reports.

As for inviting her to live with you. DON'T.

I did this several times, and it never worked, and brought a lot of misery and trauma to me and my DD.

Since you're new to connecting the dots of PD behavior and its impact on your life and health, and it will also affect your son, start googling and reading. That's what I did, and I found very helpful articles that opened my eyes, in addition to this website. It's been a blessing. Try googling narcissistic grandmother.