I sent my NC letter today. I still feel bad/angry and just..need to vent?

[faramira]

Hi,
I've officially sent my no contact letter...and. I honestly don't know why, I'm alternating today between emotionally wrecked and uncaring auto-pilot.

I'm sorry in advance...because this honestly reads like such a 1st-world problem.

I haven't spoken with my father ( think, uNPD?)  in 5 months, since April. For the past 5 months while I worked through things in therapy, I would vacillate between reaching out to him again and going no contact. Sometimes, I'm not sure what is the 'right' thing to do...or if 'right' even exists.

Back in April 2020, when the pandemic hit, my college moved to online classes, and it was a mess. I was texting my dad on a regular basis...(texting is his favorite, since he can ignore me for as long as he wants until I reach out to him again with an apology - even if I said nothing wrong.) I was checking in, making sure he was OK because he was at-risk, etc. The truth is, he's retired and lives in a nice large home and is well-off.

Basically...my dad got mad that I did not have a perfect 4.0 GPA. During a pandemic. Lol. (I had a 3.8.)

On top of that...he also got mad because I received an internship offer. Yeah, you read that right. He got mad that I received an offer.
You see...the problem is that I received an (paid) internship offer from a firm that ranks #4 in the world. What was his problem? I did not take an internship with the #1 ranking firm.

Again. During a pandemic. A time where many of my classmates are struggling to survive...he is angry at me for getting the "wrong" internship. He told me that I have not accomplished anything and to stop "tooting my own horn" about my supposed accomplishments.

It was on that day that...well. After what he said, I wasn't 100% certain about continuing anymore. With the internship or with...anything else. I guess the one good thing about the pandemic is my car battery died from lack of use, so I was unable to do the one thing that would probably get any form of positive attention from him.

I am now enrolled in therapy and have a supportive licensed dr. and while it isn't exactly perfect (I really dislike telehealth, the phone feels so impersonal), I'm making progress.

Today, almost 5 months from that day, I sent him a letter. I told him that I thought our relationship is toxic and bad for my mental health, and that it's not in my best interest to continue. It's...surprising to me, that it took ~27 yrs to do it. I ended a lifelong relationship of tears, screaming, and suffocating silent treatment in less than a page.

I'm still...messed up about it. I've been crying on and off. My therapist supported my decision and gave me encouragement but it's still so hard. And it feels so stupid, that I have to go no contact because I didn't achieve a 4.0 or a rank#1 firm internship. A part of me wants to reach out to him and apologize (?? But for what?! I don't even know!) and have things go back to 'normal'. 

I have had people tell me that I should forgive him, that I need to be understanding that he is an at-risk individual during a pandemic and he must be stressed out, and that the reason he is angry is he is concerned about me. And that I need to be a big person and reach out. But the whole "BuT hE'S yOuR DAD!!!1" which just makes me hurt more and feel bad. 

With this letter...nothing can ever be 'normal' again. Just as I can't turn back the hands of time and get that perfect 4.0 GPA, or do the #1 internship...it's just, gone. Leaves in the wind.

I hate that he put me in this position. It's a total first world problem and I legit feel like people don't believe this?? But ... literally since that day my dad has been giving me silent treatment, for 5 months it's like he is No-contacting ME. (Even after I reached out.) During all the wildfires, power outages, he's been keeping contact with my sister (calls her regularly) but has steadfastly ignored my existence.

When my internship started, there was no call/text/email. Just...nothing. And I waited til after the internship was over...still nothing.

It just fucking hurts because I just feel like I can never be good enough to satisfy him...

So. I'm gonna try and end on a positive note because...otherwise despair is going to overwhelm me.

The internship (that he hated so much) gave me a full time job offer after graduation. Steady pay and great benefits and like...honestly. 

I'm extremely grateful and humbled to have an actual job lined up for after graduation...I decided that a portion of my future earnings are gonna go to charity. Like literally any charity that helps abused children or just spreads awareness about PD's, not sure yet. I'm insanely lucky that I can do this and I'm going to do my best to remain NC with my dad and just...try and live the best life I can??

I'm still a cocktail of emotions today though and I just...gah. If you got this far, thanks for reading. And yeah I totally understand if it's unbelievable cause like ...  I'm just doing my best in a pandemic here and no matter what I'm in the wrong lmao.

Cheers,
Faramira

[Hepatica]

Faramira, I just want to respond and tell you that I'm sorry. This old world of people has a lot of healing to do, whether first, second or third world and I'm proud of you for taking a very close look at years of "tears and screaming and silent treatments" and realizing that is not good for you. I'm sorry though. Doing it does require a level of, I've had it, and so much grief, but something inside of you knows that it's not going to work with him. You try to do your best and your best is never good enough.

To normalize, I have a son in uni and I would never give him the silent treatment or get angry at him for a 3.8. A loving parent would not do that.

Doesn't make it easy, bc I totally agree with you. People don't get it when we distance and go NC with parents. It's an invisible wound for us that no one can see. Talking to my husband last night, he said that he never really understood my bad feelings toward my parents, until my mother went in hospital and let her mask fall off and he saw how abusive she can be and how sneaky and manipulative my dad can be. He saw it for himself and finally understood what I had been trying to tell him for over fifteen years. I said to him last night, isn't it funny, how you, a very empathic person couldn't understand the stories I told you about my parents, until you were affected by their behaviour yourself. He agreed that he had just not "got it."

Few on the outside of it understand. Even on the inside siblings don't understand another siblings experience. For me, I knew it was important for me to keep they family dynamic stories to myself, my therapist and now here on Out of the FOG. People have judged me openly about my decision to go NC with my parents. My own sister judges me.

Now it is all about finding peace for ourselves. I just read But It's Your Family by Sherrie Campbell and I wish I had read it ten years ago. It is so validating for making the decision to pack it in and seek a peaceful, joyful life away from a toxic family.

Trust yourself and be proud that you are getting wise to this now. It is really hard at first to back away from the drama they create, but it is worth everything to give yourself a better life.

[Starboard Song]

I'm still a cocktail of emotions today though and I just...gah. If you got this far, thanks for reading. And yeah I totally understand if it's unbelievable cause like ...  I'm just doing my best in a pandemic here and no matter what I'm in the wrong lmao.

It isn't at all unbelievable. And you told your story well.

I am 5 years NC from my in-laws. And our breakup letter was only three paragraphs. So I do get it.

We are rightly conditioned to value relationships, particularly with family. We need our tribe. And so, when one of them goes wonky and is no longer a reliable partner in life, it is terribly hard to go against the program and start. It made me feel a little like John Hancock, signing my name over-sized while declaring suddenly that we were independent and had rights and owed no allegiance: it is heady stuff, and scary.

Promise yourself to always be decent and kind in your communications. For there will be communications, almost undoubtedly. Decent and kind doesn't mean breaking NC. It doesn't mean saying you are sorry for being damned near perfect. It only means that you avoid ad hominem. And that, given what you need to communicate, you do so in a way intended to minimize hurt.

If you do this, you'll always be able to be proud of how you have handled yourself. You may still feel guilt over NC. But you'll know you behaved well given the challenge you were faced with.

There is a ton of crap ahead, I am afraid. But you can negotiate all of it with your FOC, your very good judgement, and council from books, your T, and folks like us.

Be good. Be strong.

[Boat Babe]

Hey, you did the right thing. Remember the three C's. You didn't cause it, you can't change it and you can't cure it. The only sane thing you can do is stop letting him hurt you. You had no choice as a child but as an adult you do.

Of course you will feel off balance at first. How could you not? But, with time and a lot of self care you will heal and live your best life with no-one to poison your successes.

Be aware that people who have had PD parents are more prone to PD abuse from romantic partners in adult life. Educate yourself about co-dependancy (my problem) and red flags.

Congratulations on your new job. You are amazing!

[guitarman]

It's appalling how you've been treated. No wonder you are upset. Anyone else would be, having been treated like that.

Abusers are all about power and control.

We can all be your cheerleaders here. So well done!! It's amazing what you have achieved. You must have worked so very hard. It can't have been easy for you.


Your father seems to know exactly how to push all of your buttons and get you upset. By reacting you are feeding his narcissistic supply. He has been baiting you to get a reaction from you. However what he is also doing is projecting all of his own fears and inadequacies onto you. What he is saying about you he is really saying about himself. It is called projection. Once we know about that I think a lot of abusive behaviour becomes easier to understand. You don't have to point it out to him, you can just calmly smile to yourself about what you now know.

There are common patterns of behaviours that narcissists exhibit. The more you learn the more you can emotionally detach yourself and not get so upset, although it may still hurt. I am still learning after decades of abuse.

We all need to tell our stories. The more you do the easier it becomes. I'm glad to know that you are seeing a therapist. They should be able to help you more.

You may like to know about other organisations such as the NEABPD, the National Education Alliance for BPD https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/ and the CPTSD Foundation https://cptsdfoundation.org/

In the future you may like to become more active with some mental health organisations. Your contribution would be greatly welcomed as we are experts by experience rather than experts by training.

[Psuedonym]

Hey faramira,

Welcome! You have already gotten a bunch of great replies here. I just wanted to add a few thoughts.

I'm sorry in advance...because this honestly reads like such a 1st-world problem.

You've learned to minimize and compartmentalize what you've gone through in order to keep chugging along, but its a healthy thing you're doing by acknowledging the amount of grief your father has caused. There's nothing normal about a lifelong relationship of tears, screaming, and suffocating silent treatment. There's nothing normal about a father giving his child the silent treatment for 5 months because your GPA wasn't perfect or your internship wasn't with the #1 ranked firm. Don't apologize for finally saying this out loud and standing up for yourself.

As for the people who spout this bullshit: I have had people tell me that I should forgive him, that I need to be understanding that he is an at-risk individual during a pandemic and he must be stressed out, and that the reason he is angry is he is concerned about me. And that I need to be a big person and reach out. But the whole "BuT hE'S yOuR DAD!!!1" which just makes me hurt more and feel bad

I think it makes them extremely uncomfortable to believe that someone could only accept their child, let alone love them, except under an extremely rigid set of standards. I think the most telling thing about the depth of your father's disordered thinking is that you KNOW that this letter is a relationship ender. Any parent within the proximity of 'normal' who received a letter from their child stating they had to sever the relationship for their own mental health would be a) horrified that they had unintentionally done that kind of damage and b) want to know what they could do to try to fix it. Then they would follow through on doing whatever it took to fix the relationship. The fact that you know what your father's reaction will be speaks volumes.

Please keep posting here and don't apologize for your pain or grief. You have a right to your feelings and a right to express them, regardless of what your father thinks.

[Morocha2015]

Congratulations!! You did something incredibly brave!! Putting yourself first is so hard to do when you've been taught you have no value. This is a huge step toward finding peace and happiness.

When I went NC, I felt incredibly sad for three months. It felt like I was grieving a death. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel right now. Embrace it, because that will lead to your healing. For me personally, after those three months I started feeling increasing peace incrementally.

It's wonderful that you're in therapy and moving further in your career! I'm impressed by your accomplishments! You may have lots of work to do on silencing your "inner critic" so you can allow yourself to enjoy those accomplishments. There are lots of materials out there for how to do that, and I'm sure your therapist is helping, too. I'm currently reading "Healing Your Emotional Self" by Beverly Engel and it's helped a lot.

Again, congratulations, and know you're part of a supportive community here. While you will encounter others who question your decision, as you go in life you'll find people who meet your story with great compassion. Love yourself and find people who love you for you.

[Liketheducks]

Hugs to you.   This is tough stuff!.  I'm 4 years NC/VLC with my dysfunctional family.   I feel better everyday, but early in it was rough.  The more space I have, the happier and healthier....and just plain lighter I feel.   Oh, sure, Mom still still going around gathering the FM to message me with "How Dare She" and "Who does she think she is". and "I'd NEVER treat my family this way" and "You'll be sorry". 
The truth is, that I did my level best.   I was more generous in time, attention, money, spirit with them than I was myself.   Getting back to myself me my biggest priority has been a wonderful gift.   I was never raised to do that.   I can say and accept NO as answer.   
Be well.   You're doing a great job!