Delegitimize his power / uNPD B / planning

[djcleo]

So my H has said about BPDmil, to
"delegitimize" her power. I'd like to apply this concept to my uNPD brother.

At this point, BPD mil is really not much of an issue most of the time anymore. Most of the time.

Recently, uNPD brother has had another episode of attacking my niece and my sister.


He's done it to me before. Our other sister. Various manipulations to my F and M. BIL, etc.

His attacks are sneaky. Never in public. Always some seemingly random time when he just tries to pick off one of us when we're weak, like prey, so he can hurt us emotionally. Sometimes he does it in the middle of the night. Maybe he's up drinking. I' don't know.

We don't have a FOO plan for dealing with it. However, for PDmil, she loves the attention out in the open so we only see her when she's behaving well enough and we use medium chill and LC. What can I do with uNPD brother? In some ways it feels like he's the boogeyman because I'm afraid since he's recently been so malicious. However, he hasn't said anything to me.

He also ignores us a lot. Makes himself seem like a commodity or something. I will sometimes text him happy birthday or anniversary or whatever nice inane thing. I thought it didn't cost me anything. But I was in the fog with him. He can seem very nice, but like any narc you end up confused and betrayed.

So I'm looking for a plan. I think it comes down to just not trusting him and medium chill and grey rock. I can't control what he may hear from other members of my FOO though. What he might twist into an attack.

But I also know I have a habit of getting wound up about things that may not even happen and I have to relax and enjoy my life too. If I get into a false sense of security and then forget ... that's the type of time when we pulls some attack at the jugular. So I'm having a hard time relaxing instead of being in alert.

I guess I also have to realize it may take practice. Trial and error. I am a beautiful person and a deep feeler and it's all the more reason to enjoy my life and also to not dwell on uNPD brother.

But I need some help getting there.

[Penny Lane]

I think in any situation where you're looking at the power someone has over you, the answer lies internally. He will try to attack you, yes. The way you take away its power is not to prevent the attack but to get to a place where you don't care. MC/grey rock are a means to that end. I would say the best strategy is to act like you don't care even if you do. That in and of itself will take away some of his power. And hopefully it will move you in a direction of actually not caring - which removes the last of the power he has over you.

[Hepatica]

Something has shifted in my thinking in the last two years. I don't know if it's emotional exhaustion  or wisdom. haha! I feel like I have no cares left to give. I sort of see the strange FOO and extended family as scorpions or sharks or something like that. I know they're capable of hurting me, so I distance, have closed social media, figured out who is fairly decent, and know who is not. I have backed away from one family member, a cousin, who is probably uNPD to the max. He is incredibly charming in person but a scorpion that lashes when you least expect it. I found out the hard way on Facebook and blocked him years ago and was judged by my sister for being mean for doing that. But the (almost) funny thing is, is my uNPD father and sister continued interacting with him. In the past few months, the guy has attacked my sister over FB horrifically and a few weeks ago, he phoned my father twice leaving utterly cruel messages on his answering machine. They were not immune to him. I think they thought they had some magical charm that would prevent them from getting a dose of poison. Now my uNPD father is threatening to sue the cousin. It's one of the biggest blow outs ever.

I know that I must never ever underestimate anyone in this side of my family. This cousin is the most disordered but most of the family on my father's side are pot stirrers. All of it has flared up recently but bc I've blocked everybody pretty much, I wasn't in the line of fire. But I try never to get complacent. I know that something will happen at any point and I could be the next victim. They only way they can reach me though, is by showing up at my house and I do admit, I get tense about that.

It's hard being a part of this kind of family even when you put measures in place to prevent being attacked. I too envision a life of peace and I hope I can figure out how to get there. I do find myself less shocked now by their behaviour, almost desensitized and I get a feeling of seeing them as pathetic and I also feel like since they've gone so far as to lie about me in the past, who cares? It will be the decent people who see the real me. And if I am given a few decent friends I will be grateful for that. I kind of feel like, as long as I know that I am not sinking to their level of dysfunction, re: attacking others and stirring drama, then I am okay. I recite the Serenity prayer often.

[Boat Babe]

I think that when we finally realize that the PD pathology has got nothing to do with us, we automatically disengage. This takes time because PD pathology plays out in social/ emotional/ family/
romantic /sexual areas. We love them dammit! This is how I understand radical acceptance. It's actually very freeing.we can unmesh from the person we love(d) who is hurting us, freeing us up to turn our attention to our own feelings, thoughts and growth.

You have taken many brave and self-compassionate decisions and have held to them, thus protecting yourself and everything you hold dear.  That is inspirational to others and we all benefit.

I'm an atheist but love the Serenity Prayer for it's wisdom.

[Hepatica]

Boat Babe, that's exactly it. Their pathology has nothing to do with us. It's so liberating when we finally get that. I have struggled in the past three years scrutinizing myself. I think they think that it's me being too hard on them and I often re-visit that. Am I? Am I being really awful by distancing? They just don't like me setting boundaries. But how many times do you get called fat, or crazy and have to listen to their ramblings about every problem in their life, or find out yet again, they've been spreading sh*t gossip about you? How many times before you're like, what the h*ll am I doing here? I'm not that bad. They're being horrible. Why is family allowed to talk to me like this? The light went on for me and I knew I'd never change them no matter what I said but I could change how much I was around them.
Boat Babe, I'm agnostic and I love the Serenity Prayer as well. It always calms me. It's like my mantra.

[guitarman]

DJCleo that sounds like I have been behaving with my uBPD/NPD sister for decades. I can live in constant fear of her contacting me. It's hypervigilance and anticipatory dread all the time.

I've been learning to let go and let things be. I like to consider myself to be a kind, compassionate and generous person but I have to be all those things to myself as well. I have to put my needs first, which I'm not used to doing.

If your brother is contacting you in the middle of the night you need to set firm boundaries and stick to them. I had a boundary of not answering my sister's phone calls after 10pm at night. She could leave a message on the answerphone and I wouldn't listen to it until the next day.

I have been learning not to do "idiot compassion". There are many videos on YouTube explaining about it if you want to watch them.

Also practicing Mindfulness meditations helps me. I love the feeling of feeling peaceful, calm and centred. I don't often achieve it but I feel so much better when I do. I often forget how that feels.

It seems your brother delights in purposefully upsetting you and pushing all your buttons. Reacting to him is feeding his narcissistic supply. He will poke and poke you until he gets a response. The best way to defuse the situation is to stay calm and ignore him. He would hate that and hopefully go elsewhere to find the attention that he craves.

Perhaps you could find some self-healing, positive affirmations that you could say out loud to yourself every day. It takes time and continual practice to reprogram our negative thinking. Kris Godinez talks about doing "mirror work" where you say kind, positive things to yourself in the mirror to yourself every morning. You give yourself permission to have a great day.

Observe, don't absorb. That is my mantra now.

There are people who can just brush off a narcissistic attack. It doesn't bother them. They have good self esteem and are assertive. I call them diamond people. Diamond is the toughest material that nothing can erode. I would like to be like that eventually. I realise that I am too soft and kind.

Keep calm. Keep strong. Keep posting. You are not alone.

[Hepatica]

guitarman, I want to be a diamond person! That's great. I also find mindfulness meditation really helpful. Mixed with self-compassion I've noticed my inner voice becoming so much more supportive.

[nanotech]

guitarman, I want to be a diamond person! That's great. I also find mindfulness meditation really helpful. Mixed with self-compassion I've noticed my inner voice becoming so much more supportive.

Me too, to all of this!  I'm aspiring to becoming  a 💎, practising 🙏 and listening these days to my more supportive inner voice!  👌❤️