Dream, Tears, Realization

[Amadahy]

Hi, all,

I posted a few weeks back in the elderly PD forum about having shame since my Nmom went into long-term care.  The advice, as always, was spot-on and compassionate.  I think ruminating over it has helped me know that I will heal further when I can more fully accept how horrible Nmom was to me.  I always hid it (shame) and/or downplayed it (gaslighting) even to myself.  But, today a dream helped me know more fully how horrible she was.  I do not often dream.

My first love was during high school when Nmom really amped up her emotional and physical abuse.  (She was ignoring until I began to individuate and then became engulfing.)  I felt so bad about myself, unsure of myself, and generally anxious about anything emotional, unsure of cues and my ability to trust myself and others.  My first love was a sweet, pie-faced boy that I'm sure didn't understand my lack of self-confidence and general awkwardness and we went our separate ways, really without clear goodbyes.  I have felt sad for over 35 years that my living in an abusive situation robbed me of the ability to enjoy young love and to blossom into a confident young woman. 

Last night, I dreamed of being at an event with DH (whom I love, who is very wonderful to and for me) and my first love was there, too, sitting near us.  After the event, my first love thanked me and left.  Before he left, I had the opportunity to stroke his hair and it felt so real, so tactile.  It was a sweet, innocent dream and when I awakened I had tears streaming down my face.  As I processed the dream, I imagined getting the chance to talk to him now and explaining about Nmom and how I was so impacted by her abuse when we were young.  "She was so cruel to me," I imagined telling him and I realized, with a start, that I had never said that, even to myself. 

*She. was. so. cruel. to. me.* 

She was!  I didn't deserve the insults, the blows, the put-downs, the insinuations, the withdrawing of love, the betrayal, the envy, the lack of protection from a predator, the lack of safety.  I did not realize until this dream this morning how much I had endured from her and how deeply it still impacts my self-confidence, self-worth and many other areas.

I don't know that I'm looking for anything except camaraderie.  It's not everyone I can share this with that would understand.  Today, my sense of shame has lessened and I feel sad, which is hard, but easier to manage than shame. I hope that this is a part of more fully accepting what happened, that it was not deserved and that I can heal.  Maybe at 51 years old, I can grow into the woman I would like to be.

Thanks for reading. 

Love, Amadahy

[notrightinthehead]

I am rooting for you. May you grow into the best version of yourself that you can be!

[Concerned One]

Yes I feel for you.

The theft or systematic destruction of one's confidence and self-esteem or even soul is like a living death.

Physical murder deprived the soul of the body, but spiritual death deprives the body of its soul. Psyche being Greek for soul.

I do believe you will cultivate it back to life though.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm so glad for you, Amadahy.  They say grieving those cavernous losses from childhood trauma is the way out.   You deserve that closure and self love.

I moved my 90 YO PD mom to an apartment in my town 2 yrs ago to give her much needed help .  She started hallucinating a lot and needed to go to assisted living here in Jan. 

Being so close to her after 3 decades away was hard, but very eye opening.  The game playing, dishonesty, manipulation,  punishing vengefulness, need to have total control over everyone and everything, lack of concern for anyone else's needs was shocking, though it shouldn't have been.  I'd ask myself "Is this dementia?"  Then I'd remember it was what she did all my growing up years.  It just wasn't safe back then to acknowledge how things really were. 

Reconnecting with that horror has helped me reprocess it from an empowered place that wasn't possible when I was young.  I actually see this time with her as a gift to me now.  I can see her, and thus my childhood, without the blinding fog she had me under.  We all deserve to heal these old wounds.  I'm so glad you're on that journey!

[practical]

A big hug for high school and adult Amadahy.

I guess sometimes our concious state cannot bear reality so our subconcious helps us out. What an important, powerful and painful sentence, I hope this insight brings you healing, brings you self-validation of what you have been through and are still affected by.

My thoughts are with you 

[guitarman]

I'm no dream expert but I have learnt that they can be literal translations of phrases that we use.

When you refer to the person as your "young love" maybe it is that part of you that you are reaching out for and trying to reconnect with. You reached out for your young love to connect with again and you successfully did. You touched young love again. That is positive and optimistic and all part of your recovery journey and healing. It sounds like a lovely dream.

Even through all the cruelty and trauma you have experienced you are capable of love. You are able to love others and to be loved. You have triumphed over abuse. Maybe your young love is your inner child and your inner child was saying that "I'm always here for you" and that "I will be here whenever you need me".

I have vivid dreams sometimes and nightmares. I am trying to process all the decades of trauma and recent bereavement, so it all gets messed up in my dreams. The pandemic doesn't help either so that's there as well. I can wake up startled as everything has been so vivid, as if it had really happened.

I follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome. She often talks about addressing your inner child and healing the original trauma wound. You may like to watch her talks on her YouTube channel called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". I have found her very helpful and she explains a lot of what I have experienced.

[1footouttadefog]

The dream, is likely a very good sign.  I al not speaking of the content, bit rather that you had it.

Often this means someone is at a place where the subconcsious mind is no longer entirely in flight or fight for sirvival, and that resources can be used to deal with past events and trauma.

I hope you will make great and speedy progress in healy and on you way to tuellhe best possible life.