Long time no post

[candy]

I cannot tell how glad I feel to be back reading and posting here.

It's been some rough month for us since the pandemic started.
Our baby was born, and although it's been all around we've been lucky to manage a preemie baby at NICU and a toddler at home without anyone of us getting sick with Covid-19. We do feel blessed in a way to be a healthy family of four today.

DH is in health care, working on the very frontline of what is and has been the current situation. Since it all started we - meaning our toddler DD and me, had to isolate a few times from DH, waiting for test results, explaining to LO why we couldn't hug Daddy. Then our son arrived preterm.

We've had losses in our inner circles. My own PDparent was diagnosed with cancer. Long story short: going through all our personal challenges on the one hand, watching DH accompanying people dying of and staying alive with Covid-19 on the other hand I agreed to review our options with the IL's when DH asked me.
I sort of buckled in front of his service to the community. DH is risking his - and our - health helping strangers. Could we try to find a low contact agreement with the IL family that works for everyone? Maybe.

For the last two years I have been NC, so has been DD. DH was VLC.

We have NOT talked to MIL and FIL about the issues that happened between us. They did NOT apologize in any way for the pain they have caused DH or me. I don't think they are capable of anything else than pretending nothing ever happened until they blow up again.

We've done a good first meeting in a neutral location. NPDMIL and uNPDFIL were on their best behavior. The pandemic was actually helpful to maintain distance.

DH is handling all the communication and has done a really good job standing his ground and protecting the boundaries we have built around our FOC.

The second meeting happened some days ago. I thought we'd go for twice a year maximum and found myself feeling tricked into twice within 2 months. The grandparents wanted to hand out presents to DH and DD whose birthdays just happened. DH missed the opportunity to say we're busy.

The second meeting didn't go as smooth as the first. NPDMIL tried to get her way, tried to force contact between their dog and our very little children. She love bombed DD with gifts and had zero for baby DS. Playing favorites with our children, being obsessed with DD, trying to compete with me as ,,the better mom", communicating via triangulation using a now three year old... the same old that caused us going NC two years ago. DH stopped her several times.

FIL took pictures the whole time. I think he creates a idealized picture of family life instead of real interaction with his grandchildren.

It was exhausting and frustrating to witness the IL's going back to their old abusive patterns. I thought their best behavior would have lasted a little longer.

MIL was manageable this last time, she was testing us but followed the rules when DH told her to.
I am firmly convinced to see major entitlement and disrespect of our spoken (!) boundaries within a short time. I am prepared to end contact as soon as they get abusive again. DH agrees that we have to protect the children from the abuse he endured as a child.

Well, I am back asking for support and advice. Did you retry VLC instead of NC? Did you have any kind of reconciliation talk? Or did you just go back to ,,normal" with firmer boundaries? What frequency worked for you?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi Candy! Welcome back! Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

Just to clarify: You never dealt with the stalking DD at daycare?

But regardless of that point, you are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to say, hey I gave it a try and on round 2 I saw ALL these concerning behaviors. You write quite a list. You don't have to wait for them to get abusive again, it's already happening. And even if DH doesn't agree, bottom line you don't trust them.

DH's service to the community has nothing to do with any of this. I can see how you were softened up and honestly it's to your credit because you have a heart. But you also have a good head.

The taking photos the whole time was something my uNF did as well. He'd rather have an image of family life than the real thing. I was no longer interested in playing into anyone's delusions to our harm. I also had a thread on ignoring babies a while ago that came to mind. Babies can't give supply, so pwPDs have no use for them. What a terrible example for your DD!!! And I agree, a preview of things to come unless you protect those children.

A bit of a scattershot response, but I hope my perspective is helpful.

[candy]

Call me Cordelia,
thank you for your response! As so often you're spot on what is really worrying me: I do not trust them. The abuse and manipulation is already happening. I see it. DH sees it. He thinks he can handle it, manage his PDparents AND protect our children. I think that's wishful thinking.

Just to clarify: You never dealt with the stalking DD at daycare?

DH did in fact address the stalking. Prior to the meeting he announced some red lines the IL's will not, not now, not ever, be allowed to cross. One was ,,(MIL), you will never again stalk our FOC. You will not contact or try to contact our child without our knowledge. We are the parents. If you cross that line, we'll be out of your life without second thoughts."

DH's service to the community has nothing to do with any of this.

   I'll print that on my mirror!

[SparkStillLit]

Your ILs are like a mix of my PDmum and my PDMIL.
Were it me, I'd stick hard to twice a year. None of this twice in a month shite. That's my mum, and she'll push hard for more, and more invasive (since you've already dealt with extreme invasiveness, and mine would act like that, I'm just imagining some parallels here). You don't need to be dealing with anything like that. You and your dh are already maxed out, and quite frankly, your attentions need to be focused there, work and FOC, not on keeping the ILs in line. Ain't nobody got time for that, as they say.
The favoriting and the ignoring baby (except I bet posing for pics) is much my MIL. This is just appalling, and again. The less of this in your lives, the better. Your mental health takes precedence, no need to insert known stressors.