Younger Kids Reaction to PD

[ToAudrey]

So lately uNPDH has been spending hours most days on the phone with friends. As in 5-8 hour conversations. He barely spends time with our young child. Pre-pandemic I went to the office to work and H stayed home with the child so I get wanting a break but it has been like vacation time from responsibility since March now. Interaction is not 0 but it is very low. I hang out with our child most of the time and well am not ignoring the kid to be on the phone for nearly 8 hours.

Well it isn't surprising that our child is starting to favor me a bit and sometimes now says things like "I just want to talk to mom" or "I don't want anyone watching me play this game" or other things to indicate he notices that dad never has time for him. This is not all the time. He also will ask for family hugs and ask to play with dad. Sometimes they play and sometimes dad plays a little then doesn't want to.

H hasn't gone on a screaming rage in a bit but did comment over the weekend that I "never" discipline the child because my go-to for when the kid doesn't make to the the bathroom in time is not to freak out and scream and say I'm going to physically destroy devices.  My approach is less extreme and has been helping like using timers and being firm with how things can be earned back.

Anyway on to my question. If my child was older it seems it would be simple to allow those two to have whatever relationship they will. With my child being younger (just now school age) should it be any different? Kid really seems to notice that dad would rather chat on the phone than interact with family. I do what I can to ensure my child knows I'm there and am willing to play (poor kid hasn't seen friends except for zoom for 5 months, that is hard for a little one!) and do say to be kind and to not say hurtful things. I do not speak negatively about his dad to him nor in his earshot. I do not contradict punishments or yes/no answers.

uNPDH is starting to notice that our child is not always keen to hang out with him on those now rare occasions that he will decide that the rest of us exist. So not sure if the MC I do for myself needs to alter like do I need to intervene or smooth things over.

[ToAudrey]

Seems that at least for now unPDH has seen the light a bit and is interacting with DS more this week. Will monitor and see how it goes, especially over the weekend.

[Penny Lane]

Hi ToAudrey, sorry for the delayed reply. I've never been in your situation. But my advice would be: Don't smooth it over. If your H asks you why your son is acting this way, you can tell him or give suggestions. But don't try to make it OK for your son - it's not really OK, after all. You are allowed to say to yourself "I can't fix this" and just focus on being the best mom you can be.

[plainwords]

How can you spend 5-8 hours on the phone! I don't know what you could talk about for so long!
Aside from that, how was he looking after child when you were working?

My ex partners used to do this - not ignore because he was on the phone, but ignore and spend the day in bed and then go out with friends at night. He is a teacher and so would have to look after our child while I worked in the holidays. I'd come home and the house would be a mess, they wouldn't have got dressed and stayed in all day watching films. He would become the doting dad when people were around he needed to impress.

He once dropped everything to go and help his mate move house (it wasn't organised) above collecting our child from nursery when he was poorly. I had to leave work to collect him when there was no reason why he couldn't. His priorities just weren't there.

On the other hand, my sister had once organised a long weekend away. My ex wasn't able to go due to work. I decided to go without him and he accused me of taking his child away from him (It was Friday to Monday and he barely interacted that much anyway). There was this big drama of crying, clutching hold of our child and I was made to feel like the worst person ever.

He would also get jealous that our child would instinctively go to me and he would say things like 'x likes you more than me'. It was like dealing with another child.

I was always the one to smooth things over. I didn't understand personality disorders. I blamed depression. After he left, I further enabled his behaviour as I wanted him back (not really sure why now - Haha).
Anyway, I understand the need to smooth things over as it just makes your life incredibly difficult if you don't. Focus on looking after your child as best you can and be the responsible adult for your child. In time, the kids realise who is the adult that is reasonable and rational and will naturally be drawn to that person.