Step forward

[frustratedanddiscouraged]

For 15 years I've been stressed, trying to change things, change him, get him to see that he is controlling. Trying to just get him to admit lying. And all that time wondering if I should leave. There were so many reasons not to: we wouldn't see our kids get married or have grandkids as a couple; I have biases myself against divorce that I have to get over, and see divorce as a failure on my part; it is so much work and such an ordeal, the status quo is the easy way; my parents will be heartbroken; I have other toxic people in my life who will hold it over me that I am a divorcee; it is SCARY...  all of these are valid in some ways, but are they what is the most important? No.

This summer I have really come to see what his behavior has done to our kids. I say kids but they are 18 and 22 now! But it isn't too late to model functional behavior to them. He gaslights my daughter (22) in the same way as he does to me, and my son (18) is starting to act in that same disrespectful way to his sister. Reading Why Does He Do That really opened my eyes. If anything, the book made me think he DOESN'T have a PD, he is just like that without a disorder behind it, and I have been almost excusing his bizarre manipulative behavior and playing the victim by telling myself all this time that if only he could get help, or see what he is doing, things would get better. But if it is a PD or not doesn't matter, what matters is that he exhibits the same kind of behavior that is unacceptable, and he will not ever change.

This morning I hit send on an email to a divorce attorney. It that final? No, of course not, I could chicken out and cancel; decide not to file. I've been going back and forth for days working up the courage to send this email. 

What strikes me is how I feel now. I feel relief! I feel excitement and peace.  I think I am ready! I don't have much of an in-person support system- I don't have many friends because of his jealousy, so thank you everyone here for being an important part of my support system.

[GettingOOTF]

Contacting an attorney is a huge step. I think Why Does He Do That should be required reading for all women. That book allowed me to see the situation for what it was. It was so eye opening.

When I left my marriage I had no friends of my own due to my exes controlling behavior, and I was in a foreign country so had no family support. It wasn't easy but it was so worth it. You can do this!

[lifebalance]

And thank you for being here to be a part of ours. So much of what you said is relatable to me. I'm in the place of wondering if I've held on for too long. I hope you find the path that's right for you.