feeling hurt and frightened

[desertpine]

Hi - It's been a while since I've posted. No news has been good news - things have been overall going well with my family. Until last week.  In my opinion, uOCPD runs in my family; and a family of extreme perfectionists is frightening to grow up in.  There is an unspoken rule that shortcomings are not to be openly acknowledged, especially not my mother's.
I've been in a lot of therapy and share posts about recovering from childhood trauma and helpful mental health articles on my social media. I've been very careful to censure what I post because of the unspoken family rule. Breaking that rule results in punishment ranging from viscous name calling to the silent treatment.
I shared a post about using art in therapy for developing dialectical thinking. It gave an example that people can be doing the best they can and still do things that hurt the ones they love. My uOCPD sibling raged on social media and via text -said she's going NC because I'm such an awful (a f.b., specifically) person. Then I got an email from my dad accusing me of criticizing my mom in public. He emphasized he was the 'bad' parent, and mom was the 'good' one. I responded that I didn't post anything about her and didn't know it was triggering for her. I suggested they could change their settings so they don't see them. Then I got an email from my mom saying she wasn't hurt by the post but by a conversation we had last month about her career. And she agreed to change the settings so she didn't see posts that could be triggering.
So, now I feel like a hurt and frightened child again, like this is all my fault. But it doesn't make sense - and so I don't know what to do. Fortunately, I don't live anywhere near them so I don't have to worry about running into them. But it feels like I'm being attacked by a 3-headed dragon.

[guitarman]

Abusers are all about power and control. It seems that other people are controlling what you post. If they don't like what they read then as you say they can block your posts. That is their problem not yours.

I wouldn't like other members of my family to read what I post so I do so anonymously or I set it up privately so I know that they won't be able to read it.

Maybe you could set up something that you know your family can read and have something else which is more private or anonymous.

[desertpine]

Thank you Guitarman -
It's hard for me to take that in - that their hurt feelings are not my fault. It's been drilled into me since I was a kid that my family's hurt feelings are because of me - that I'm too selfish, critical, judgmental. It's so ingrained and automatic. The idea that they could be responsible for themselves - to take care of themselves if something is triggering, sounds like such a healthy dynamic! Boundaries right? I am trying to figure out my boundaries with them. And what you said makes a lot of sense.

[nanotech]

I struggled in the same way. I thought I was responsible for all of my family's feelings. Either I'd caused them
and had to fix them, or I hadn't caused them, but still had to fix them!

Ignore the 'selfish' tag. They love accusing us of that old chestnut. They use that one like a psycho-trap to hold us in place, ready and able to do their bidding.
Enough already of the 'selfish' tag. 
Boundaries work. 
Once we try them, they up their game for a while. Eventually they have to subside and accede to the boundaries.

Critical and judgmental? You are merely stating your truth.
Every day is a day nearer to freedom. Keep keeping on.

I put something on social media - it described, in idealised and syrupy terms, my family. It contained a lot of Magical Thinking.
I was still in the fog then.  I thought the family would love it. I sat back and waited for some approving comments from them.
Nothing......
My sister then sent me a message, saying it was making her far too emotional and she was very upset by it, so please remove it!
So I did!
Just like that.
It goes to show, that post was all high praise, yet i was still criticised and I felt like the bad sister.
And my sister wanted to show that she controlled my social media. At that time she clearly did.
This has happened to me a lot. They enjoy disapproving of us, and they are the ones who are judgemental and critical.

[guitarman]

I am not responsible for how my sister behaves or reacts. It has taken me a long time to learn that. In the past she blamed me for her feeling suicidal. She blamed me for inducing an asthma attack and her having to go to hospital because of what I had said to her. I had dared to calmly challenge something that she had said that was wrong. It's all very controlling behaviour. I get that now.

Often we don't realise that we are being controlled after years of conditioning. We can get used to expecting abusive behaviour so learn not to criticise, challenge or bring up history, fearing the consequences if we do. So we let the abusive behaviour go unchallenged and it continues.

[desertpine]

update - I got another email from family that they want to go NC for a while. I feel so hurt and I feel ashamed of myself. I don't want to lose them. I know this cycle - I'll do/say something, they take great offense and blast me, so I take the hit and apologize in order to maintain a connect. It is such a strong cycle.
I deleted the posting I made on social media and wrote an apology. I think I should own my part - that I made a mistake in sharing it to my personal page rather than in a private space where they would not see it.  It's hard for me to know where the boundaries are in my family, let alone on social media.  I am not comfortable re-engaging with them right now though - maybe down the road, but not right now.  I just don't want to put myself in a position of being treated like that. Even if what I posted caused offense, how they reacted is not ok. 

[guitarman]

This is the discard phase. You probably pointed out the truth and they didn't like that you told everyone. So they took their revenge and have disconnected contact with you. That's all they have left to play with as they know they can't abuse you. You are not playing that game any longer. They want to punish you for daring to speak out.

Whatever happens, stay calm. They are trying to push all your buttons to get you to comply and capitulate. They want you to apologise, over and over again for their conduct and behaviour. They want to control what you communicate with others about them.

You need to educate yourself about all the moves that will happen. It is all so predictable if you know what to expect such as love bombing, devaluing, discard, smear campaigns, hoovering, etc

You may like to use this quiet time productively to learn more about narcissistic abuse. Doctor Ramani is very good on YouTube. She talks about narcissism. She is also taking part in the "We Are Healing Trauma, Free Virtual Summit" starting today Wednesday, September 2, 2020 which you can watch online free until Friday 4th September. You can register here for free www.cptsdfoundation.org on the CPTSD Foundation website.

There are 18 speakers to watch! That will keep you busy and you will learn a lot. I am watching it now.

I hope this helps.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Pine, I'm so sorry you feel frightened and scared. Those feelings are normal and part and parcel from this type of family treatment. I feel it some days too. But if you keep up your boundaries, you'll realize it is just a feeling, and it always passes. And it can no longer be an emotion your family can use to control you if you stick to your guns, and it will get easier.

Did you directly reference your family in your post? Did you directly refer to your mother or anyone else in your family by name or anything, for that matter? If that's the case then you've really done nothing wrong. And it would seem instead like your FOO was just champing at the bit to call you out for any little thing....but really, the way I see it, they were seeing too much of themselves in what you were doing, and it's on them. (And which is, pretty much, the definition of narcissism.)

[desertpine]

Distance- You may be onto something here, that this has been brewing for a while and it was just a matter of time before they found something to punish me for. It sure feels like there is a lot more to this than a reaction to a post. Maybe that's why the emails from them refer to the 'family issues' that need to be resolved. Whatever that means - I have no idea.
And no, I did not reference my parents in any way on the post. In fact, in the past I've specifically told them that the posts I share are not directed at them or about them , and to respectfully talk to me about it if they take offense to something because they think it is some kind of passive aggressive post about them.
Thank you guitarman too - that looks like a really good resource to check out.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Desertpine - that's just my read of the situation but it's similar to how my FOO deals with things. And the fact your FOO dragged other "issues" into it too is a big indicator to me too! Like they were just looking for a small reason to take bigger (unfair) things out on you they have been holding on to for quite some time.

[desertpine]

thank you Distance -
This really helped - the idea that this was bound to happen. I had a light bulb moment with that - and a lot of confusing parts of my childhood fell into place as I realized how controlling my mom has always been - how cunning her lies are, how sophisticated her manipulative behavior has been over the years. omg - so much is making more sense now. Suddenly I see the gas lighting in this situation, the stonewalling, the splitting. omg. My sister's PD has been apparent for years, and my dad's mental illness has been openly talked about in the family,  but to finally see how my mom is abusive feels so validating, and freeing.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Desertpine - that's so good! And I'm so glad. It's a really, really hard thing to see. Why it's called FOG after all. Despite having clarity on these types of revelations myself, I still struggle with shame and guilt. It'll happen. But once you start seeing the patterns of their behavior - that disordered/unwell/controlling FOO kind of set you up into a "no-win" situation, even of it's so subtle as to be undetectable - it's like suddenly the whole situation comes into crystal clear focus. Yes, a light bulb moment! I realized there might be nothing I can do, but I still gotta be me, so I gotta figure out how to do that despite FOO.

And then you realize your only option is to protect yourself, to disengage. You're free to do whatever you like, desertpine, to heal in the way you need to heal, when it comes down to it, and to do it in a way that shields you from how your FOO thinks and reacts to it. That's freedom!

[Andeza]

You've got great advice so far. I just want to add a little something to encourage you. The more we heal, the more abhorrent it is to them. The more they will insist something is wrong... with us. It's because we've stopped responding in the unhealthy manner they prefer. Ultimately, healing from your past trauma wounds, and changing your own behavior to be more aware, more healthy, and more emotionally intelligent, is bound to cause friction. Resistance from the pwPDs in our lives is just one of the ways we know we're doing a good job working on ourselves.

They will always want things to be the way they were. They will always want free reign to use and abuse. It's where they get their energy from, from us, really. But they can sense when we change something, and they will protest. They like easy prey.

I would encourage you to look at this period of silence from them not as a punishment, but as a gift of peace and quiet (silent treat, rather than silent treatment). If you can re-frame it in your mind, you'll find your outlook start to shift. They are trying to punish you, but you are an adult. You have power now. And the more you learn about their patterns, their end goals, and the disorder of their minds--the more power you hold. One day, you'll hold all the cards.