Why is leaving so hard?

[WantingBetter]

I've made some other posts in the Co-parenting forum but thought this might be the appropriate place for this post. Why is leaving so hard when you know it's what you want and what you have to do? I swear I'll be so ready to just grab the kids and leave on the spot with formula and a bag of clothes, but then he will have his calm moments and want to be dad as soon as I feel like I've had enough. It's like he can sense I'm getting ready to go. ExBF is NPD and PPD, and he's so good at arguing and is so charming when he wants to be that I start thinking I'm just imagining all the crap we go through. I'm finally leaving this time, and I have such a solid plan, family to move in with until I get on my feet, stability and a real life to look forward to and to provide for the kids, and no real reason to stay except for the few times he shows the man I fell madly in love with and that my daughter just started Pre K and absolutely loves it. So why am I sitting here questioning if I should really go now? Why am I here wondering if I should tell him I'm not just visiting family but moving? It's not safe to tell him I'm leaving until I'm gone already but his manipulation over the years of telling me how terrible and sneaky I am is eating at me. I can hear him saying see, see I've known it all along. You're just a liar like I've always said! Why are his cruel words holding me back when that's what I'm trying to escape? He's cut up and destroyed all of my belongings before because he was upset with me and having an episode where he thought he saw me getting out of a car when I was hours away from him sleeping at my mom's house. He thinks I work for the government and am getting paid to experiment on him, and there have been multiple occasions he doesn't believe I'm myself. It's not safe for us to keep going on, but why do his words still stick in the back of my head telling me I'm being the bad parent by moving the kids away from him? Does anyone else know what that's like? Has anyone else had such trouble leaving a dangerous situation? I'm definitely leaving, I just wish I knew how to quit feeling so guilty about wanting better for myself and the kids. I know it's the right decision and thing to do, I just wish I felt like it was. I feel like hiding my intentions for fear of our safety is making me out to be the liar he's tried to convince me I am.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Wanting better, I feel the same. Leaving is so hard, when to anyone looking from the outside it should be so easy!! In my case there are a few other issues holding me back (I will have to move in with my mum for a while.. she is pd too but less severe. I am dreading moving in with her, but maybe with pdH out of my hair I will be able to handle her better).

I totally get it about the cycle - the 'good days' that leave us hoping that the pd has changed. I am planning to leave soon and my pdH has been really nice for the last week or so. I nearly feel like I have to wait for him to crack and show his nasty side again before I can leave.

Years of gaslighting makes you doubt your own perception of reality. That has definitely happened in my case. I can only hope that when I am away from pdH, I will be able to regain my sense of perspective, and I have no doubt I will be glad I left.

Do you have old diary entries, texts or posts on here you can look back on? Sometimes that helps me to remember why I'm leaving.

The guilt is real for me too. I left once before. I followed exactly what all the DV advice centres told me - I left and then phoned to tell him we had gone. At first he was distraught, and he said he totally deserved it... but very quickly within a month that turned into playing the victim and berating me for walking out with no warning. He even brought it up in couples therapy, crying and telling the T how I left with no warning. He got his family to call me and make me feel guilty for the way I left, to the point where I felt I had to apologise to him!! (Don't ask why I went back.. stupid I guess, just falling for the tricks and lies).

So this time I'm trying to avoid leaving with no warning, thinking is there another way..  But there isn't!! It is the only way to leave safely. Making a plan to protect your children does not make you a liar. It makes you a strong, brave person who is doing the right thing.

I'm sure others who have left will have more advice for you, but j just wanted to say I'm in the same position. Stay strong x

[ChillNow]

Dear WantingBetter,

May I suggest that you focus more on the word practical than the word sneaky?  If you have a clear conscience that you are not sneaky in life in general, then it is only what you have had to do due to his PD.   

It may seem more honorable to have a conversation about leaving and why, but that would be in a 'normal' relationship.  You are no doubt wanting to spare yourself and your children being exposed to the drama and trauma of such a conversation. 

Him expressing that he thinks you are working for the government and getting paid to experiment on him (and doesn't believe you are yourself) is alarming and seems beyond PD imho.  What kind of father figure can he be on an on-going basis until that is dealt with? 

If it was me I would: take several deep breaths and repeat to myself 'practical wisdom, no guilt!' and then proceed to make even more preparations.

[WantingBetter]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I'm sorry you understand where I'm at tho, it's terrible to feel this way. And thank you for the encouragement. I wish you the best in your journey too. He came in and tried to cuddle with me last night and I had to put our son between us to keep distance, if I'd let him I would have made another excuse to stay. Maybe he's going to love me this time or see I'm just being unfair. But no, not this time. I've left a few times and still come back so don't feel bad about going back after you got out once. And I understand the PD parent. I had a chance to move with my dad but it would have been the same tearing down and keeping me low, plus he's an alcoholic so I would have got sucked back into bad behaviors. I just got back in touch with some trustworthy family so I finally have a chance to get support I need and get away. I pray you find your support too. It's so hard. I wish it was as easy as people on the outside think it is.

[WantingBetter]

ChillNow thank you! I needed to hear this. And I've wondered this everyday how good he will be as a father figure with all of the jumble he has going on in his head. He needs help I just have to realize I'm not it. I hope he will get it someday. I did fall in love with him for a reason.

[11JB68]

I'm feeling stuck too. Just had coffee with a friend who is so insistent that I should leave. I agree...but... I'm worried about finances, and worried about how reactions, and worried that I'll be seen as a horrible person...
I also have a lot of confusion about whether to tell him ahead of time or just leave...

[Kat54]

Wanting better, I remember my ex calling me sneaky, and said he had never trusted me. I was hiding things. He was and still is very paranoid.
Truthfully, maybe I was sneaky and Also truthfully I never felt safe with him. There was no normal relationship with him.