Just want to vent - she accused me of taunting her!

[Cassandra T]

I have been getting groceries for my uNM since the lockdown because she has an immune disorder and can't get exposed. I really don't mind, but every time I talk to her she says something like "I think getting my groceries is getting to be too much for you," or "Maybe I should start ordering my groceries," or "Any time you get tired of doing this, just say so." Really I prefer to get them, because when I drop them off it counts as a "visit," so that way I don't have to go sit on her hot enclosed patio and sweat buckets and breathe in strong-smelling black mold that's growing on the beams (she won't let us in the house because of germs). This way I can see her for two minutes each week and she seems satisfied with that.

So I called her today to ask for her grocery list, and she said "I'm fine. You wanted me to start going to get what I need anyway." Last week I had urged her to get out of the house, because there will be a stricter lockdown soon (so they say) and she won't be able to. I told her if she has something she needs to do, she needs to do it now before this fall. I was thinking things like doctor visits, personal clothing items that she wouldn't really want someone picking up for her, or coming over for a visit, that type of thing, especially since the isolation is unhealthy physically and mentally. Even going for a car ride would be beneficial. I wasn't talking about going grocery shopping, which wouldn't be a good idea due to the amount of people there.

Of course, she took it the worst way possible and thought I just wanted her to go get her own groceries so I wouldn't have to, which is the furthest thing from the truth. Then she accused me of taunting her! I had tried to use logic with her last week and said "You believe masks work, right? Then it should be safe for you to go out if you wear one, right?" To her, that was "taunting" her. Logic has never worked with her though. She's the most unreasonable person I've ever met.

Last week, when she was telling me her grocery list, I mentioned that I might have to make two trips. Normally I buy hers and ours at the same time, separately. I was just thinking out loud. That offended her and she yelled "MY REFRIGERATOR IS EMPTY! Because YOU say things like 'I might have to make two trips.'" In other words, she was saying it was my fault she doesn't have anything in her refrigerator because I had just said something that, she thought, indicated I didn't want to get her groceries and she didn't want to ask for too much.

So today she said "I'm fine." I said, you don't need anything? Did someone else get your groceries? Or did you order them? She said "Not yet." I said well, if your refrigerator is empty, and I'm going to the grocery store today, I might as well get your groceries. She then claimed that she didn't say that, she said "You should see my refrigerator." But that's not what she said, and I tried to tell her the exact words she'd said, and she kept talking over me and wouldn't listen. Then she accused me of taunting her last week. That made me laugh because it was so ridiculous, and she said "DON'T YOU LAUGH AT ME!!" I kept laughing, and she hung up.

It's almost as if she WANTS me to stop getting her groceries. Surely she's not really being that considerate, afraid to ask me for a favor. I'm wondering if she wants to be able to complain and tell everyone about how I never come over there, and that I don't want to get her groceries. I don't know. It's just an ordeal anytime I talk to her.

[Andeza]

Any time my uBPDm said I never called, or visited, I always had to bite my tongue. The thing I wanted to reply was to inform her if she wasn't such a negative person, and could talk about something other than her medical problems for three hours straight without pausing for breath, maybe I would actually enjoy talking to her...

I tried medium chill instead, but she kept badgering me to know what was wrong, what was I hiding.

Point is, they will never be happy. Either we do too little and they complain, or we do everything right and they decide we're unhappy helpers. And it's absolutely true, logic just doesn't work with them in most cases. There's no winning, sadly.

[FromTheSwamp]

She probably DOES want you to stop getting her groceries, but not because she's considerate.  It's more satisfying to be mad and disappointed with you than to be beholden to you.

Of course, if she can get you to keep getting her groceries while being mad and disappointed because she thinks you don't want to get them for you, she can lose the feeling of being beholden without losing her free grocery delivery.  Win/win for her!

[Cassandra T]

Of course, if she can get you to keep getting her groceries while being mad and disappointed because she thinks you don't want to get them for you, she can lose the feeling of being beholden without losing her free grocery delivery.  Win/win for her!

Yes! You're probably right, because she really hates being beholden. If I tell her to just wait and pay me next time for something, she can't stand it; she has to pay right away. Thank you, that explains it.

I also think that she feels a loss of control about the situation. It's me who decides when I go, when I drop them off, what brand to get, what store I shop at, things like that. Usually when I call and say I'm coming with the groceries, it becomes an issue. She starts gasping and sputtering, saying she was about to take a shower, or she has to make a phone call. I say well, I'm just going to drop them off because I'm very busy today and there's no room in my freezer for your stuff. When I call and tell her I'm going to the store tomorrow and ask if she has a list, she will yell "TOMORROW????!!!!!!!!" Like it's the most ludicrous thing I could have possibly said. Like she can't find time in her tv-watching schedule to make a grocery list in the next 15 hours or so. She needs days of advance notice before she can make a list? I tell her that I have already told her I was going to go sometime in the next few days.

She's not doing that as much now and has switched to acting like I don't want to get her groceries. I guess there's always going to be a problem, when dealing with her.

[freedom77]

I can so relate CassandraT....

My BPD/N mother is, and uN grandmother was, the same exact way. I saw a meme on Facebook that really hit home for me, something about not getting caught up with the drama of people who are committed to misunderstanding you.

That's how PDs are, they are committed to misunderstanding us. They most certainly do understand logic, and use it daily with their own activities that require their own effort. I really believe they deliberately set us up for "issues". It's a source of supply for them.

It's funny how it often involves mundane chores such as grocery shopping. My uN grandmother had never learned to drive. She was a housewife all her life, dependent on her husband for everything that involved leaving the house. Then when he died when she was in her early 60s, she immediately turned to others. And the grocery shopping became the biggest, most frustrating ordeal ever. She too would act just like your mother and get all in a dither over the day, the time, she would fuss about the day. Like really?

You sit home all day, every day watching soaps and petting your dog. I, meanwhile, work a full time 40+ hour a week job, have my own life and am doing her a service, a favor. She wanted me to spend my ONE day off a week shuttling her around to no less than 6 different stores, taking up my entire day off into early evening. I tried to reason with her that we could go twice a week, break it up, after I got off work. Some days I got off work early. Nope, no no no...had to be HER way. I felt she was deliberately wanting to suck up my day off. And even if you did do it her way, there would still be flaws.

I GAVE my mother a brand new car to use at her own disposal. And she kept complaining about it, and how it can't be parked at her complex (not true), or how people were tampering with it (also not true), and then came up with an absolutely ridiculous "solution". I should drive the car over to her, presumably on one of my precious days off as I now work long shifts from literally dawn until nighttime. Then...she will drive me back to my place and drop me off. Then she will go off on her own to shop, etc. Then...she will return to my house, pick me up, and have me drive us back to her place. Then...I bring in all the stuff and help put it away. Then...drive myself in said vehicle back to my place until next time.

Can anyone say asinine? I figure it was to drive me nuts and cause inconvenience on my days off, which she knows I highly covet as my occupation is one of exhaustion. A way to chain me at home on my day off, since after all, I'd have no idea what time she would be returning with a car full of perishable groceries, so I'd have to sit and wait, and wait..... Her other "logical" solution was for me to sit in her studio apartment all day while she took her sweet time. I realized she was making a fool of me, and probably laughed all the way to the stores and back.

We are NC now for lots of reasons. She now either taxis to where she needs to go, or walks to the plaza (lucky there's a nice one right there!) by her apartment with a personal shopping cart she hung onto from the last time she acted like a fool and literally drove everyone away. She could have had a brand new vehicle to use at her will. I notice PDs shoot themselves in the foot. Because at some point, many of us, have had enough.

I find it interesting that you're forced to sit on a hot, mold infested enclosed porch, rather than be allowed inside. PDs are never worried about germs, or other evils, when THEY want to go somewhere or do something. Could it be that she's enjoying your discomfort and laughing at how you put up with it?

PDs are never satisfied, they are committed to never being satisfied, ever. There must always be a "problem", an "issue", and "accusation". They enjoy having "hurt feelings". Like From the Swamp said, it's a win-win to have you do her shopping and still get to stew in the hurt feelings she pretends you caused.