My head is spinning

[Lilyloo]

Hi Everyone! It's been awhile since I posted.  I almost hate to even start this post .   It's draining even writing it out

My stepdad  and brother(the golden child)  are in the hospital. Stepdad is 93. He is failing. I'm not close to him but feel for him having to put up with my controlling narc mother for 48 years. My brother had a stroke. He's doing ok. He's the favorite who does nothing wrong. He is an alcoholic. Has no job and my mother provides money.  I love him but only he can choose to give up the alcohol which surely contributed to the stroke.

The worst part of this is my mother has done nothing but talk about herself. She did it when my oldest brother was dying of cancer 2 years ago. She actually went to visit him and insisted on being in a wheel chair (was not even needed)  He called me so upset. He was dying and she had to be sicker. Shes doing the same now. She can't walk. She is in pain. She cant visit them in the hospital because she cant walk, Shes so tired. Shes so miserable. On and on and on. Then it was all her other problems. Her car. Her cats. Her this and that. Poor her, pity party when her husband and son are in the hospital. She threw a fit to my youngest brother about her car. He fixed it. Her reason is she must go to the nursing home  everyday after stepdad is released to the nursing home. YET SHE CANT WALK!!!! 

I knew exactly how to play the game. I emailed back and said I will talk to my brother and his wife about getting you in home care. I will call the nursing home and get recommendations from them.  I also said make a grocery list and asked her which day should I come clean your house?  I've done this many times knowing the exact answer I would get.  And yes, it happened!!

It goes like this in her next email..... Linda, I can walk, just not on stairs or in the hall of the hospital. (Now remember she told me in 3 emails "I cant walk") " I can drive my car"  (Now if you cant walk how do you even get to the car..LOL!!)  "I can get groceries and clean my house" LOL!!  "I don't need in home care, I can take care of myself" 

Such bull she feeds me!! I know now what to do, but it's the last time I give her one minute of my time. The total selfishness of having 2 in the hospital and ITS ALL ABOUT HER  .

It's also been told in the community that I do nothing for her. None of us do but golden child. 

For me I will never understand such selfish behavior. She gets nothing from me anymore. No listening, no offers to help NO NOTHING!!  I am waiting for the day that she goes into a nursing home. I can only imagine what the staff will go through

Thanks for listening. I never talk to anyone anymore about her, not even friends. They just never got it.  I'd come away feeling angry that they could not understand. I keep to myself, but I know each of you do understand. Grateful for all of you

[Adrianna]

I can really relate to what you are saying. Heartbreaking to read about your dying brother and her treatment towards him, however, it falls in line with the disordered behavior. You can't expect empathy from them.

My father did not visit my mother for the entire 3 weeks she was in the hospital. Didn't visit even when he knew she was going to die. Didn't visit her on that last day when I had to make the decision to take her off the breathing machine. Just sat at home watching tv waiting for the call from me that she was gone.

I have no siblings so it was just me and the nurse in the room that Christmas night. I got more compassion from that nurse, a stranger, than anyone that day.

My father's reasoning for leaving it all up to me? He said "It's too hard for me." All about him. No compassion for what I was going through. None. He also at first agreed to have a service for her after she died, but later (it was delayed for several valid reasons), he changed his mind.  I had to fight him to allow it, as her ashes were sitting on a shelf in the nursing home and the funeral director was going to start charging him monthly storage fees.  He finally agreed to have the service, after much arguing and refusing, then the day before the service he was in the hospital with chest pains. He ended up not going since he was admitted. He didn't want to go anyway so he got out of it and her service turned into a "how is your father? He's in the hospital?" event. Again, all about him.

My father doesn't leave the house because he needs a walker and he's too vain to let people see him like that. So he hasn't left the house in almost 4 years except to the ER. I don't visit unless absolutely necessary and have as little contact with him as possible.

I know the feeling too of people in town being told you do nothing to help. My grandmother would tell anyone who would listen that I didn't do enough for her, even when I was calling her every single day and coming down on weekends.

My father tells people in town that his daughter doesn't like him. He's not wrong.

[nanotech]

Hugs to you Linda and Adrianna too.
I've experienced this with my dad.
He was there for mum in the hospice, but complaining in front of her about, among other things, how long it was since he'd had a hot meal.

On the last night I was the only one sleeping next to her. I settled on a chair bed and waited for my  dad to return from showing brother where to sleep.
Um nope. Golden child UNPD brother had arrived that night, and dad decided he needed to sleep next to HIM in one of the visitor rooms. Next to him, a fit 40 year old man, rather than his dying wife. . This is how they always treated brother. Like royalty. Like a VIP.
It was his first and only overnighter  there.
Mum was unconscious by then, so no supply available for dad, presumably.🤷‍♀️
Earlier, when she was comatose  he had started to confess certain lies he'd told her years before, confident in the knowledge I guess, that she was too weak and too far gone to answer him.
With dying people it's believed that the hearing is the last sense to leave. The staff  kept reminding us of this. If she'd heard and had not been able to answer, that would have been unpleasant for her.
It wasn't earth shattering stuff. One time when dad was working, he had lied about where he had to travel to, because it was a place that could be viewed as risky. Mum had forbade him to travel there. Mum saw danger everywhere she looked, so he knew she wouldn't agree to it.
But dad thought he she tell SOMEONE where he was actually going, in case of an emergency.
Guess whose doorstep he turned up on before the trip, to tell the real truth to ( just in case) and to order me to keep it from mum?  Yup. Muggjns here. I had to worry all week that something might happen to dad while abroad, and I had kept where he was, from my mum.
Now I was getting evils off my auntie for keeping dads secret all of those years ago. And maybe my mum could hear it too.
(I couldn't believe he hadn't told her eventually. once he'd retired! They have to be perfect though.) 

I don't know why it was just me sleeping next to mum  when she began to pass away. There were four other family members in the hospice.. For the last three days there had been two of us at all times. This had been agreed as a family.
Later, I got blamed ( of course!) because apparently I'd ' sent everyone off to bed early'.
It was 1am and my UNPD sis wouldn't stop talking loudly on the shared ward we were on. I'd been up since stupid o' clock caring for mum.
This 'problem' , this 'regret' came up in almost every conversation I have had since, with UNPDsister.
'" What a pity. If you hadn't shoved us all off to bed then we would have all been sitting around mum when she passed."
I was busy mourning, so I didn't really take it to heart.
But really? Was that necessary?
The staff themselves didn't expect mum to pass that night. That was why were on a ward, and not yet placed in a private room. 
Everyone  was there when mum actually passed, because I woke up and I raised the alarm in time. 
My UNPD sister later repeatedly tried to gaslight me into believing that she had already passed when I pressed the bell, and the nurses were ' just pretending' she was still with us when dad and sibs arrived

I think it fitted her narrative -

"All  the better to blame you with, my dear."

All I can suggest is be aware that they are going to approach this selfishly. They always do. They know no better. And it's going to be upsetting. But it isn't going to overwhelm you.
Because you have a choice on how to respond.
You don't have to get drawn in. Don't offer to clean her house. Just don't. She's gaslighting you. Gray rock and medium chill it all. Focus on your family who are ill. Any histrionics from mum, don't react . Observe don't absorb. If she complains say 'That's a shame.' or ' Feel better soon.' Then move on either verbally or physically. Don't wait for her demented cue or for the other dysfunctional  shoe to drop. She wants you dancing around her and she then will lash out, that you are doing it all wrong! Or that she never asked you to dance!
Don't dance!

[Lilyloo]

Adrianna and nanotech, Thank you so much.  Your stories are so sad.  I send you both     It seems these parents of ours are all the same. I often think of how it could have been. I'm sorry for your losses. You both were good children. You gave of yourselves completely .  Sad your fathers were totally self absorbed. How can one be that way??  So very heartbreaking. It saddens an angers me all at the same time 

I only offer to  do things for her to keep  her quite. She loves to complain, but would never take help. It happens over and over. I play the game. She whines, shes so bad off.... She only tests us.  It's really very sick

I offer knowing it's how I can get her off my back. Sure enough worked again!! I have not heard another word other than shes ok to drive, get her food, etc etc..  LOL  

[nanotech]

Adrianna and nanotech, Thank you so much.  Your stories are so sad.  I send you both     It seems these parents of ours are all the same. I often think of how it could have been. I'm sorry for your losses. You both were good children. You gave of yourselves completely .  Sad your fathers were totally self absorbed. How can one be that way??  So very heartbreaking. It saddens an angers me all at the same time 

I only offer to  do things for her to keep  her quite. She loves to complain, but would never take help. It happens over and over. I play the game. She whines, shes so bad off.... She only tests us.  It's really very sick

I offer knowing it's how I can get her off my back. Sure enough worked again!! I have not heard another word other than shes ok to drive, get her food, etc etc..  LOL

Thanks for the hugs and big hugs back! 


Ahh ok I see that if works for you to offer things. It sort of calls her bluff. This is kind of like my UNPDsister .When you offer to solve their issue, they decline. The pleasure is in the complaining. They don't want the solution.
Sigh.
Illness and death are hard enough without  all these histrionics.

[Adrianna]

Adrianna and nanotech, Thank you so much.  Your stories are so sad.  I send you both     It seems these parents of ours are all the same. I often think of how it could have been. I'm sorry for your losses. You both were good children. You gave of yourselves completely .  Sad your fathers were totally self absorbed. How can one be that way??  So very heartbreaking. It saddens an angers me all at the same time 

I only offer to  do things for her to keep  her quite. She loves to complain, but would never take help. It happens over and over. I play the game. She whines, shes so bad off.... She only tests us.  It's really very sick

I offer knowing it's how I can get her off my back. Sure enough worked again!! I have not heard another word other than shes ok to drive, get her food, etc etc..  LOL

Good that you know the pattern with her but sad that you have to endure the mind games! This is not how normal healthy human interactions should work. It's so very draining.