My Mother's Behaviour

[Hepatica]

I am trying hard to get myself Out of the FOG. This past few weeks I am in so much guilt about distancing, pretty much going No Contact to my elderly parents. I live in the same small town as them and the whole extended family, so I feel people breathing down my neck.

Today I went for a hike and was talking about this FOG and remembered one specific example of how far my mother went, fairly recently, meaning not just when I was a child/teen but even as I am an adult.  This happened about eight years ago. My mother was in her early seventies and my sister bought us all tickets to go to see the a museum tour of this old prison where I live. I took my son with me and met my parents there for the forty-five minute tour. They were about ten other participants and a tour guide.

It was cold. It really was, and my mother had made a poor choice about what to wear. It began with her complaining very loudly about this and as we moved on with the tour, the complaining (to me and my father) grew louder than the tour guide's. I would have offered her my jacket, but it was way too small for her.  I didn't know what to do except go stoic and try to endure, praying quietly she would do the same. But she didn't. This is her. When she's unhappy, everyone is unhappy. She did not listen to the tour guide even once, continuing to ramble, loudly about how awful the cold was and my father said and did nothing. Soon I began to see the other tour participants turning to glare at her and I was waiting for someone to say something to her. My blood pressure was through the roof. Finally I whispered to her, 'Mom, I can't hear the tour guide when you're talking.' In front of everyone she shoved me and she told me to never tell her what to do. My poor son had to witness this.

I cannot believe this to this day. I cannot believe how much of a bully she is and little control she has. Later when she went into hospital a few years after this, nearly dying from sepsis, her behaviour continued, at its worst. She screamed and yelled constantly and that is when the lights went on for me that she was disordered. Finally one of the nurses said that they had put in their chart that she had a personality disorder. Still, I went daily to see, always with my husband for protection, and still my father held a grudge against me, because i didn't stay every evening till she fell asleep. One of my aunts actually left a scathing message on phone saying I was going to kill my old father - because I was not going in the later evenings - and therefore he did it when he was so tired. Now my father goes from giving me the silent treatment to telling me I am crazy.

They are both in their eighties now, and my father and sister feel I should be doting on them, because they are poor old people, but I have a rational fear of both my parents. I keep fast forwarding, imagining that if my dad drops dead and I will have to take my mother to appts. I feel like I am forced to have a relationship with abusers while trying to recover from a lifetime of trauma. My father hates me for distancing from them. He uses his sister to torment me. My sister has tried to force me in the past into helping them, saying she can't do anything bc she suffers migraines. Basically the whole extended family sides with my father and sister, painting me the scapegoat and there are some days I feel strong to weather it, and other days I am floored and tired and begin to believe that I am selfish.

Feeling this FOG is so hard and I can't seem to get a handle on it.  I am up and down worrying about one of them dying and what others will do to me, as they judge me for keeping my distance.

But for goodness sakes, they did not grow up with these people. I am so tired.

[SunnyMeadow]

My sister has tried to force me in the past, saying she can't do it bc she suffers migraines. 

I'm hoping you can't do it because you have some sort of medical issue as well!  (not that you actually have a medical concern! just a convenient way to get out of caregiving ) Not to make light of your sister's migraines but pretty crappy of her to elect you because she can't do it.

I understand your feelings with your elderly parents. My story is very similar to yours. I really do have a medical issue that I'll be whipping out as often as possible when I'm expected to do for her. I have that same feeling of people thinking I'm a terrible daughter because I don't dote on my parents. In reality, there aren't many people left for her to tell. She has run everyone away with her mean ways.

Keep reading here and read some of the articles in the toolbox above. I've gained strength by reading about the strength of of people here. I still have a long way to go but I'm taking baby steps through this mess.

[Thru the Rain]

If my dad drops dead and I have to take my mother to appts.

I feel like I am forced to have a relationship with an abuser who I know will be loud and aggressive if things don't go her way.

My sister has tried to force me in the past, saying she can't do it bc she suffers migraines.

I pulled up the lines in your post that jumped right off the screen at me. The "O" in FOG stands for Obligation.

For what its worth, you DON'T have to take your mother to appointments. And you can't be FORCED to have a relationship with anyone.

Coming Out of the FOG is hard, and a continuing work in progress. And one of the biggest hurdles is in our own minds.

You could start by considering what would your parents do if you just weren't there. Maybe if you lived far away or if they didn't have children. What would their options be? An outside caregiver? An assisted living facility? Those are valid options even with you alive and well and living nearby.

Also consider that you are assuming that you need to solve your parents' problems. You don't. Unless they are legally incompetent, they can make their own decisions and manage their own lives - and the solutions don't need to involve you at all!

And if they ARE legally incompetent, then realistically are you the right person to take care of them? Would they be better served in a facility that's geared up to help incompetent adults?

These are probably uncomfortable thoughts, but just sit with them for awhile. You don't have to share them out loud with anyone, just you with your own thoughts.

[lkdrymom]

I know easier said than done...but you have to get to the point where you no longer care about the opinions of others.  My aunt would give me the stink eye for not cleaning my father's apartment.  He is retired and capable of cleaning. NOT MY JOB.  You visited your mother every day at the hospital.  That is above and beyond in my book.  Didn't stay until she fell asleep....why did she need someone to be there every moment?  And if she did, that is your father's job.  Stop worry what others think. If they call, end the call.  Distance yourself from people who look to make you miserable.

[Hepatica]

Thanks everyone. There is some great practical advice here, thank you Thru the Rain, bc I hadn't thought about hiring a caregiver if it comes to that. That's good advice. Also good reminder that no one force me to have a relationship with anyone. Isn't it strange how the psychological stronghold keeps its hold over the mind with such a vice grip? I guess it's the social structure that says 'take care of you elderly parents' that continually nags at me.

Also, lkdrymom, that's right. I did go above and beyond and I did my best. Nothing I did was good enough. I felt like the sacrificial lamb at times and the entire time I was being abused by my father with his silent treatments and pouting - and finding out what he'd said about me to the extended family - so I felt betrayed. I have distanced myself, thank goodness, and I feel better but now it is about cleansing my own mind of the pressure and I will work on that.

SunnyMeadow I had to smile at your comment about a medical issue. You know, at the time my mother was in hospital for six months, I did actually have debilitating back and neck pain. Since she's gotten better and I saw how badly they behaved then, I have distanced extremely from them, and like magic the back and neck pain have resolved. Whenever I said to my sister then, though, that I couldn't sit for long, and there were days walking was hard, she seemed to not even hear me. I think she thought that I was making it up, because she is so very good at using her illnesses to get out of things. (She's been dying of something since her early twenties - always going from doctor to doctor and never having a root problem.) She loves pity and she'll talk about her illnesses till the listener is blue in the face. That's another reason I backed away from her. The unawareness of her need for pity drove me round the bend. I think she suffers C-PTSD but she refuses to admit it, and says God has healed all of her pains and that it is our duty to honour our parents. But the migraines she has usually get in the way and nobody can challenge her about her magical thinking. She's a slippery, slippery fish. 

[WomanInterrupted]

You've gotten some really great advice, and I want to remind you that the only person you're responsible for is YOU.   

If your parents need help, such as Meals on Wheels, rides, caregivers, housekeeping - the ONLY thing you can do is provide a list of resources and *walk away.* 

You *cannot* force them to do anything - deep down, you know it.  They expect YOU to take up all the slack.

Well, guess again.  Perhaps you caught your sister's "migraines."  Perhaps you just don't WANT to because they're such awful, horrible, nasty people!   

That's OKAY.  You are not REQUIRED to do a bloody thing except start blocking numbers of people who want to call and blare the FOGhorn - and that's not even a requirement.  That's just a helpful hint from me, to make your life more Zen. 

I was the only child of an unNPD "father" (Ray) and unBPD "mother" (Didi) who thought I should be there curing ALL life's ills for them.  First Didi popped up on the radar, wanting a full-time slave and whipping girl, and after she died, Ray didn't learn a thing and thought her playbook would work. 

Eh, guess again.  And I lived 3 miles away.

I figured out *who* controls my life and finances - why, that would be me.     I control  what I do with my time, who I spend it with, and if I WANT to be any sort of caregiver  to Didi, who'd been convinced she was  dyyyyyyyyyyyyyying most of my adult life, and wanted to regress to infancy.   

No ma'am!  I did NOT!  And our cats appreciate me more!

Any time Didi or Ray pulled anything -  Doctor's appointment!   MUST go to ER or Hospital!  "Somebody" should come over and cook and clean for them - I'd refer them back to my list or resources:  call  Uber.  If it's an emergency, call an AMBULANCE.  Call Merry Maids or Meals on Wheels.

For some reason, they never could, not wanting to BOTHER those people - so I'd tell them I really didn't know what else to tell them, but Didi and Ray were both smart, and I'm sure they'd  figure it out.   

I'd hang up - or get the phone slammed down on me, most likely and guess what? 

They always figured it out - including those mysterious pharmacy errors that only seemed to happen at 8:50PM, when their doctors were out of town and they needed the meds  NOW.

Me:  Call the on-call doctor.  Tell them what happened.

Didi or Ray:  They'll want to SEE me!

Me:  Well, you can go to the ER  and explain it to them, but otherwise, I don't t know what to tell you.  I don't know what to say.   

They always figured out THAT, too - but boy, were they getting pissed off at NOT having an on-call concierge robot nurse daughter, who never tired and never got sick of taking abuse.

Sorry - she was 3 miles away, rolling her  eyes. 

Eventually, Didi  died in Hospice - where she belonged - and Ray wound up in a nursing home, where he belonged about 10 years ago!  They're both gone now and there has been nothing but relief - and gratitude to the people on this board who helped me stay strong and held my hand, every step of the   way when I needed it.

And that's what we're here for now - to hold your hand.  To  smile and nod and point the right way out of Hell - and keep holding your hand and pointing as long as you need until your parents problems are their own (and they're probably blocked) , your ever  SO helpful sister is blocked, and all flying monkeys are also blocked -  probably while you silently tell them to take a hike.

You CAN do this.  You were NOT born to serve - and you were NOT born to serve  your ABUSERS!

[nanotech]

I just want to add my full agreement with everyone here! I've been through similar.
My mum was dying and there were judgements flying around about who was doing what. I was in the fog still and I tried to live up to it. I made myself ill doing that, and guess what if still wasn't enough.

In the past I've been used as a flying monkey  by mum, then hung out to dry when golden child complained to my parents about it.

I've been excommunicated twice from my family, once at 17  then again in my 50s when mum was dying. The most recent one was probably the hardest to bear, but it opened my eyes. Normal families don't need to lash out on one person when things are going badly.
I've had scathing phonecalls too. One from my dying mum, telling me I was killing my dad  by upsetting my brother.
It got so that panic symptoms would start every time the phone rang. I wasn't able to answer the phone for a long time following that ordeal,  and I had to go into therapy.
My therapist explained that the shaking and the racing heart were my fight or flight nervous system kicking in.
They were my family. 

Then later, I'm supposed to forget all about it.  I'm supposed to get back in line again until the next time I might be required for service.
A few years ago it was expected that I have my elderly dad come live with me. I said no.
They were seething, but my lot don't admit their need, they just plot creepy revenge
( haha 😂 these days it makes me laugh)-I   so I simply removed myself from their grasp.
For me it was blocking them in social media, and stopping going to family ' parties' . 
I'm NC with toxic siblings and VVLC  with dad.
Just limited phonecalls right now with dad. And I have boundaries. There are certain things I won't discuss and I tell him so. It's surprising how much he has given in to my boundaries. He's had to. He knows it's either that or no contact. He tries now and again to challenge them, so no contact could happen still with him.

It's under constant review!  We are actually quite powerful once we realise it.

The pandemic saw them try to guilt me into reconnecting. They saw a huge problem approaching, and  boy, did they need their scapegoat to be available, so they could could dump all their fears, blame and worry on me.
Ermmmm no.
I had an arm -twisting messsage from their flying monkey. I told her politely that nothing was going to change, that I only keep healthy relationships with me now, and that those relationships were unhealthy. She didn't even acknowledge the content of my reply ( on text) and instead changed the subject!

Remember, no one  can force you to do anything. You are an adult. 

My UNPD. brother  was born last into our family. He was the much wanted boy after three girls, and mum let him be the boss at age four. I kid you not.
He's now pushing 50 and he's a raging narcissist. He's labelled me insane to other family members ( and who knows who else) for breaking off contact with him.
Before this I was low contact, but that suited him too, as long as he felt in charge and felt he could cause pain when he wanted to.
He would send passive aggressive messages, he would often bait and ghost by text, and he would triangulate criticism of me through dad.
I was still taking it, I realised, by not stating my truth. So I stated it, and I told him - I'll only answer texts if they relate to dad being seriously ill. He went a bit bananas (by text -big deal!  ) but what can he do? He's too much of a coward even,'to ring and rant. He's wary I think of my husband's  reaction to that as well.
Your life is too important to waste it! Live it. Don't allow them to hijack it.
Read 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Foreward.
That book was the start for me. Then this forum!

[blacksheep7]

Your life is too important to waste it! Live it. Don't allow them to hijack it.
Read 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Foreward.
That book was the start for me. Then this forum!

I agree!   The book validated all my questions/thoughts about my Pd parents.

We are Adults and Free to choose how we want to live our life.....without toxic behavior and demands.

[Adrianna]

Lots of good advice here. I might add that learning about emotional abuse, for me anyway, was a key part of this process. Emotional abuse takes many forms:

Manipulation
Gaslighting
Belittling
Triangulation
Guilt tripping
Smear campaigns

I grew up thinking this stuff was normal. It's not.

This is a good article which goes into detail. Most articles about emotional abuse are targeted to people in romantic relationships, but when dealing with family, many of the tactics are the same.
It's not uncommon for children of narcissistic parents to end up with narcissistic partners because they grew up thinking that emotional abuse was normal and that abuse = love. It was a familiar scenario to them, although incredibly unhealthy and dysfunctional. This is how the pattern carries from one generation to the next until someone breaks the cycle.

https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#emotional-neglect-and-isolation

Researching narcissistic abuse is a good start to wrapping your head around the mind games you've endured with them. There's a big community of survivors out there and we have all suffered the same thing, in slightly different forms, depending on the nature of the relationship (parent or partner).

Many children of personality disordered parents become codependent, which is what really kept us in the fog. We were taught that it was our job to serve, and were never taught to value our own needs, feelings or desires. We weren't supposed to have any of those.  Society of course fuels this, and parents seem to get a free pass for continuing the abuse.

When a person's romantic partner is emotionally abusive, society (I think anyway) seems more likely to somewhat look down on that victim, with the implication of "why would he/she tolerate that? Why didn't he/she walk away?" I assume this is because the romantic partner is not "family". However, when it's a parent who's abusive, it's a different story. We are told "they're old, you need to have more patience, you're too sensitive."  This keeps us chained to them through the fear, guilt and obligation FOG which is the title of this website.

People saying such things, and believe me most if not all of us have heard this garbage, have not lived our lives. They are not able to understand what we have gone through. You will receive no validation from them. Don't try as it will only make you feel worse.

Once you fully grasp the level to which these people have manipulated and emotionally abused you, you will get to an anger stage. That's where the real boundary setting becomes easier as you fight for your own wellbeing. That's when you start not caring as much what people think about you when they judge you for not catering to these people anymore.

Once you get the whole picture, you will likely realize you need to distance yourself from all of them, as many of us have had to do. You may surprisingly find other relationships in your life falling apart, as you become stronger and learn boundaries. I had to end a few friendships which I realized were unhealthy for me. I changed but the friend didn't, and the friendship wasn't sustainable anymore.

It's really a life changing journey. I hope you stay on the forum and can benefit from all the posts of us who have been where you are.

[Hepatica]

Wow! I don't even know what to say. I cannot thank all of you who have responded enough.

WomanInterrupted: "And that's what we're here for now - to hold your hand.  To  smile and nod and point the right way out of Hell - and keep holding your hand and pointing as long as you need until your parents problems are their own (and they're probably blocked) , your ever  SO helpful sister is blocked, and all flying monkeys are also blocked -  probably while you silently tell them to take a hike.

You CAN do this.  You were NOT born to serve - and you were NOT born to serve  your ABUSERS!"

I am so moved by your supportive comment. Thank you. Reading your story is incredible. You are spot on.  All the wisdom you have now is hard won, I'm sure, but so helpful for us here. Two monsters you had to deal with!!! It boggles my brain.    I too have two monsters, each corrosive in their own way. And a sister whose tried to adapt to them in an almost opposite manner than I choose to do, which totally puts us at odds. I sense that I will feel relief when the parents pass on. Just very reluctant to consider how I'll manage the funeral. Ugh.


Thank you also to Nanotech. I agree with you, that these relationships are under constant review. That really helps to remember that. I have back slid in the past year in some ways in terms of this odd amnesia I have about my mother especially. My father inserts himself into my life by showing up here, so I can't forget him. But my mother is in the background and I forget the things she's done that are terrible because time has passed. I said to someone months ago, that I'd consider having her live with me if my father died, and now after coming this support forum, I remember everything. I have to stay vigilant with my feelings and thinking at all times. I back slide into co-dependency.

Thank you Adrianna for the link. I will definitely take a look. I am immersing myself in a big review of a lot of this information and it is immensely helpful, bc I have slid back into the FOG big time.

Thank you blacksheep7. I have to keep this at the forefront constantly lately, that as Adults we ARE free to live our lives.