On The Face Of It -The Enabling Sibling

[nanotech]

Enabling Sibling ( A short poem by nano)

On the face of it, she's nice.
She's never mean. Well, almost never.
Only when the Others are looking.
In dead-muted replies and iced rebuffs,
Silver shackles glint.
Love compares sorely to the
Fear of Them.
She must dry my heart in the sun till it cracks,
Split sinews to
Tenderise
Injure
Beat
Crush.
Over and over.
Look how she attends me! 
Sweetly spoons in their slithery bile.
Implores me not to gag.
Hush now
Take it.
Her lips bow
But on the face of it,
She's nice.

[LemonLime]

That is a very insightful and dare I say beautiful poem.  About a tragic subject.

[guitarman]

Thanks for sharing.

I write poems as well. It's helps to get your feelings written down.

Please be aware about not publishing this writing anywhere else online as it could be tracked back to this site if you duplicate it elsewhere. This is not a private forum. Just thought that I should remind you about that.

[nanotech]

Thank you Kat for your kind words,  and guitarman
That's such a good point.
Thank you
I'm ok, I don't have a life blog or a website.
It's the first poem I've written for a while. I was trying to express something that happened recentlywith her, and this came out. It really, really helped me to write it.

On privacy, I did notice, and it happened recently, that I googled something to do with narcissism, and lo and behold, a relevant post from a thread on Out of the FOG popped right up!

When I first began to visit this website, I was. very undisclosing. I was so nervous about being 'found out' . 
So I didn't really start my own threads. I just disclosed a little, and always on other people's threads. Then I began to realise that at times I was hijacking their threads. 
I had a really good think. How would I feel if my FOO discovered me on here? What would happen? 
With all of the recent boundaries put in place with them, I decided that it would be ok.

If I were to get an angry message or text, or phonecall, it would be the cue for me to go completely no- contact.

I don't have to discuss these things with them. I don't have to confirm/ deny anything for those people.

Those people don't know me any more. I have no relationship to speak of with any of them. My name is pretty much mud with them anyway, because I no longer react to their mind games.
Passive -aggressive insults and point scoring is my FOO's idea of communication. They have no idea how families actually work.
They gaslight, invalidate, mock, bully... all the classic PD weapons. A lot of it is in Passive aggressive form, and it's deniable. At least, it used to be.
If you don't 'go along', then you are smeared and scapegoated and thrown away.
Enabling sister keeps  her emotional distance. She's scared? of the other two PDs. She stays on the dark side, sometimes she enjoys it, and she does their bidding. At best, she's neutral. I've realised, that's unacceptable. I see now that one word answers to texts and fb messages is so shd can show the others she isn't being that nice to me. That she's only in touch because they want a link that they can perhaps Hoover me with or gain knowledge about me that they can use against me.
For years she accepted presents from me and she didn't reciprocate.  I convinced myself  that I was 'the bigger person'. She was on a low income after all.
I shouldn't mind the two word thank - you text.

'You don't give in order to receive,' 

It was all was ok, because I was 'looking after her for mum.'
In fact, I was playing the role of the servile scapegoat, still looking for approval.

For her milestone anniversary, I sent her a   sweet silver necklace. I spent a long time choosing something I knew she'd like. I knew that  her marriage had cooled ( she told UNPDsis) and I was concerned that her husband wouldn't buy her anything.
For my milestone wedding anniversary (same year)  she forgot it was a milestone, then she sent me a card which she had made herself. It was a drawing of me and hubby as animals, but with me glaring at hubs saying '
I'll get my coat!'
Inside , she had written,
'Not meant to be representative!'
Oh really.   
There was a massive, HUGE dig in there.
It harked back to the year me and hubby had problems.(decades ago ).  She was trying to say that because of those issues it was not such an achievement in her eyes,
but here, have the card. 

This has happened before. I've had my past marriage problems flung in my face as a proof of MY inadequacy in an unrelated argument? A suggestion that I was somehow 'damaged by events'.
I'm very happy with hubby. We had a few problems. I did change after them, because I began to put him first, and not my FOO.

I've stopped with the presents for her .

I've also told them all, that I've moved away from them, I've lowered contact,because I no longer welcome unhealthy relationships.

All they can do, is disinherit me. But I'm thinking brother will try that anyway, Before my dad passes on, probably, as he gets frailer and easier to lead by the nose,I think he will start to turn him so against me, that I'll be written out. Being POA and legally trained, he's  in pole position to do it.
It's a price worth paying for finding my voice. 

[DistanceNotDefense]

Thank you for sharing your poem, nanotech. Reminds me a lot, a LOT, of my own enabler sibling. Same personality. Bubbly, fawning, kind. Doesn't realize she allows patterns to thrive and continue aided and abetted by her kindness, though. And enough reason for me to keep my distance.

[nanotech]

Thank you for sharing your poem, nanotech. Reminds me a lot, a LOT, of my own enabler sibling. Same personality. Bubbly, fawning, kind. Doesn't realize she allows patterns to thrive and continue aided and abetted by her kindness, though. And enough reason for me to keep my distance.

Yes, good for you. It felt so good to share this though a poem. It seemed easier to convey my feelings.
It's a terrible shame, but in the end, enablers can be every bit as dangerous and damaging as the PDs. And we don't see it to begin with.