And the cycle goes on...

mamato3 · August 04, 2020, 09:20:05 AM

I haven't spoken to my NPD ex's wife in 3 years, since I stopped DS's visitation with his father and took away his custodial rights. We were friends (sort of) once upon a time, but she broke my trust in the incident that precipitated the ending of visitation/custody. This morning at 2 am she called to tell me she'd been taken to the hospital in an ambulance and that she had a concussion and black eye, as well as cuts and bruises from an assault by ex. The whole thing was kind of surreal, as 10 years ago I helped her get a restraining order against him which she then declined to follow through on. The sad thing is that even if she moves forward and leaves him, the cycle will continue with someone new.

mamato3 · August 04, 2020, 07:05:39 PM

And now she wants me to testify. I don't know if I can. I don't know if I want to. I don't know if it's SAFE to do it.

Associate of Daniel · August 04, 2020, 08:00:50 PM

Wow. This must be dragging up some stuff for you.

It sounds like she has enough evidence without your input. Would your testimony make much of a difference?

AOD

GettingOOTF · August 04, 2020, 08:15:43 PM

I am so sorry. This is awful.

You are under absolutely no obligation to involve yourself in this. I too have an abusive ex and I know he's doing the same to her that he did with me. I have wondered what I would do if she ever reached out for validation/help and I've decided it's not worth my peace of mind or my safety.

I also know my ex would spin it that I was the bitter ex who poisoned his GF or some such nonsense.

Yes it's very sad that the cycle will continue but nothing you do or don't do will change that.

Your peace and safely is worth too much. She needs to find her own and not drag you into this. You left. You are at a different stage in your journey. I'd stay well out of it.

I know I probably sound really harsh and uncaring but I know how rash, vindictive and violent an abusive man can be. It wouldn't be worth it to me.

Another thing to consider it it won't be a one-off thing. She will lean on you to get her through this and this will drag up all kinds of stuff from your past. Are you ready for that? Do you want to open yourself up to his wrath and possibly risk your custody arrangement?

If you do decide to step in I'd strongly advise consulting with an attorney to see what your exposure is here.

mamato3 · August 04, 2020, 09:12:07 PM

I helped her get a restraining order 10 years ago and within 3 days she had it rescinded. 3 years ago DS and I filed an ex parte motion to stop his visitation due to his father's abusive treatment of her and her son. She denied in court that it happened. She had her son deny that it happened even though he was a witness. I just don't feel like I can stick my neck out for her again. She called DS a liar in court. Ugh. It all hurts and brings up bad, bad memories. (The judge believed DS btw) It's not about punishing her though. I want her to be ok. I just don't think I can get back on the stand and relive it all again. It's taken me 17 years to get some measure of healing. I want to preserve it.

Associate of Daniel · August 04, 2020, 09:45:07 PM

Mamato3, I think you've pretty much answered your own question.

But as Getting Out of the FOG suggested, it might be an idea to get legal advice.

You could then respond to her that you've taken counsel and decided against giving testimony as a result.

You may find she changes her mind before you've managed to get legal advice anyway.

Perhaps you could forward a list of phone numbers for her to call and wish her all the best.

AOD

mamato3 · August 11, 2020, 11:41:09 AM

I ended up testifying via letter. Waiting on results now.

mamato3 · August 14, 2020, 12:53:05 PM

Quote from: mamato3 on August 11, 2020, 11:41:09 AM
I ended up testifying via letter. Waiting on results now.

She's trying to get back together with him.

GettingOOTF · August 14, 2020, 01:01:00 PM

This is not surprising.

You have done all you can for her. You cannot make people see the reality of their situation. It’s important that we focus on our own lives, on our own healing and don’t let ourselves get dragged in to other people’s drama, and that is what this is - drama. She doesn’t want to let go. I was the same way with my abusive ex. I was trapped in the drama of the situation. I’m sure I caused all kinds of damage to others before they walked away from the situation.

Eventually I found my out. Many women don’t and nothing anyone else says or does will change that.

mamato3 · August 14, 2020, 02:59:33 PM

Quote from: GettingOOTF on August 14, 2020, 01:01:00 PM
This is not surprising.

You have done all you can for her. You cannot make people see the reality of their situation. It's important that we focus on our own lives, on our own healing and don't let ourselves get dragged in to other people's drama, and that is what this is - drama. She doesn't want to let go. I was the same way with my abusive ex. I was trapped in the drama of the situation. I'm sure I caused all kinds of damage to others before they walked away from the situation.

Eventually I found my out. Many women don't and nothing anyone else says or does will change that.

I've blocked her. I'm done.

mamato3 · September 06, 2020, 05:19:36 PM

I'm not sure anyone actually reads this thread, but just in case: DS has been getting an onslaught of texts from npdex asking to talk so he can "explain" what happened. DS told him he has no interest in being gaslighted. So, you know, the cycle won't go on - at least with my DS.

athene1399 · September 17, 2020, 06:50:19 AM

Quoteo, you know, the cycle won't go on - at least with my DS.

I am glad. I am also glad you decided to block her. That must have been a tough decision to make. I cannot imagine what you must be feeling after being dragged into this. I am sorry.