Not A Two-Way Street?

[DistanceNotDefense]

Hi all - the main PDs I deal with in my life are FOO; however, my husband (ADHD) has what I would call "impaired" empathy issues, and straight up narcissistic tendencies can come out from time to time (which is a comorbidity/crossover with ADHD at times, I've learned, and the two can get confused).

I do believe that society at large grooms women to be enablers and men to be the enabled. And that all men have some internalized narcissistic tendencies in heterosexual relationships thanks to misogyny, even if they don't realize it and are the most feminist-seeming men you know. Some part of them has been conditioned to be catered to and it's infuriating. Men aren't taught to cater to others emotional needs, or even their own - when they're little boys, mommy does it all for them. And then when they get married, wife becomes new mommy. I still love my husband immensely. But....

My husband can get into emotional pits that I set aside all distractions for so that he feels supported, so he has a sounding board, advice, has physical and emotional comfort, etc. which he clearly wants (a.k.a. a mommy). He gets stuck on peoples' actions and behaviors and what they might mean, he gets insecure, he gets in his head. So it's definitely not an issue that he just doesn't deal with emotions this way -- because he clearly illicits my empathy like a lost child from time to time, he wants it and needs it, he can even be clingy.

But when it's my turn, he's checked out. Eyes glaze over. Scrolling through phone. Walks out of the room with no explanation. Changes the subject. And when I say "hey could you be more attentive, you're not as attentive as I am to your stresses" it's almost always an explosion of anger and shock in return.

I'm going through an extremely hard time with my PD FOO right now (NC) and need support, he doesn't understand the subtlety of this abuse (he tries to) but *really* doesn't get how damaged my support system is right now and how maybe he's got to step up, and not center my issues around him so often. But whenever I talk about it he mostly just disconnects and it's like I'm talking to a wall (with a smartphone). And when I ask him if he could be more supportive, he claims that I talk about family ALL the time and is supportive every time I do (not true, I literally avoid talking about it sometimes because I expect his apathy/"checked out"ness and can be afraid of it - then I take a chance to talk about it thinking he'll be receptive, and he'll more often than not shut down). Sometimes he's supportive but it's always for an extremely short burst. (ADHD of course).

I'm just exasperated right now. He wants this "mommy" out of me and wants me to comfort and hold his hand when he's bewildered, and then he can't do the same for me when my issues are 1000% bigger, more serious, and just downright worse, and he even knows it - "when mommy cries it's scary make it stop, where'd mommy go?" We'll argue and he'll just buy some ice cream and make me dinner like it's all better, and that's sweet, but right before all that he was yelling out loud and gaslighting me that I'm just not in touch with reality and that him lifting a finger to even support me is "so much work" and that he does it all the time and its too much. What the ****?!???

Anyways, just venting I guess, I think this dynamic is inevitable sometimes in a lot of marriages and I have a great perspective about it most of the time, I'm just at the end of my rope with my emotionally underdeveloped husband today.

[Penny Lane]

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. This is so tough, even without the added stressor of PDs.

It doesn't sound like he's being a very good partner, both the unsupportive was and the bad reaction to asking for what you need.

What if you applied some of the tools from this site to your relationship with him? For example, he is not fulfilling your emotional needs. What if you went elsewhere to get what you need? A therapist, friends, journaling, etc? There are two ways to look at this. On one hand, this can take some pressure off your relationship and it's certainly possible that during a crisis you need more than any one person can provide. But on the other hand you don't want to permanently relieve your partner of any emotional caretaking duties - that's not fair to either of you. But I think trying it as a sort of experiment would be overall good for both of you.

I'm sorry I don't have a better answer for you. Like I said, this is very hard.