For scapegoats how is your relationship with GC sibling?

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I have been NC with my GC sister for two years and feeling great with no plans to change my boundary. The only reason I remotely have any idea what is going on with her is that I am attempting to see if I can have any degree of VLC with our elderly parents.         
       
My relationship with my GC sibling is done due to a lifetime where she has triangulated with others and damaged me in many ways. I suppose this is common, right?  It does  not stop her from still trying to wreak havoc though. 
   
Last week my parents told me my sister informed them that I had seen my sister's teenage daughter at a store and that I completely ignored her. They were all hurt by my poor treatment of her. I actually did see a girl who looked like my niece, but since we are all wearing masks now I was not sure it was her. We did not exchange eye contact, did not speak to each other nor was there any interaction.  However, it did not stop my sister from making up a story in which I would look bad, be accused of wrong-doing, and found guilty.  I recognized the familiar pattern. I said nothing further to my dad, just said this was not respectful and said goodbye. Since then, dad called and left me a voicemail asking me to do him a favor and call my sister to wish her happy birthday and mend fences. How twisted is this?  I am not responding to any of this. Just wondering if this is the way it usually goes and how common this is.  Thanks.   
 

[Starboard Song]

I've always thought the golden child designation was about the parents: that they treat one child with undue harshness and the other with undue gentility. While a GC can jump into the game, I guess, I know of GCs who are in no way toxic at all.

But common or not, it sounds like you are dealing with a toxic and possibly PD sibling, and that is terribly hard. You are right to keep your distance from drama.

Be good. Be strong.

[desertpine]

oh my gosh - I can really relate to this dynamic! I've been NC with my brother for years and just went NC with my NPD sister for the 2nd time. She is the GC and lives very close to our elderly parents.
I see my sister and parents as a 3-headed dragon. They boundaries are so blurred and each one will rage at me for perceived slights to one of the other two.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hmm. So your niece recognized you but also didn't speak to you? But they ALL (including niece?) were so hurt by you doing exactly the same to her, completely assuming YOU did it on purpose. And now it's a whole big deal, and this non-interaction between you and your niece is now an impetus for your DAD to ask you to do HIM a favor and make things "right" with your SISTER. Sounds like enmeshment and scapegoating and triangulation as usual.

I am also the family scapegoat, but there isn't really a golden child. I'm just the biggest scapegoat if that makes sense. I'm NC with both my siblings too. I was NC with the parents first, and the sibling relationships quickly crumbled in the aftermath.

What boundaries do you think you need in place with your parents surrounding your sister if VLC with them is going to work?

[Hepatica]

What Call Me Cordelia wrote is exactly right. She saw you and recognized you, but they don't check in kindly to say, hey, you missed your niece the other day. They spin a story to make you look bad, making up that you knew.  I am so angry for you!!

I am definitely the scapegoat and my sister the GC. It is because I thought that setting boundaries with people was okay in a reasonable world, finding out quickly that in disordered world, saying no, even very nicely to people, puts you in the very very bad books. One of the biggest reasons I have gone pretty much NC with my father is bc he will not let go that I have distanced from my sister and always pushes me to get back in contact with her. He uses every form of pressure and manipulation tool he can think of, often reminding me of their impending deaths, to the last time, his most brutal, telling me I need to see a therapist. (Hmmm... I have seen a therapist and she's the one who suggested backing away from my FOO.) But that comment was the last straw for me. Especially coming from him, a hoarder and manipulator supreme, who didn't talk to half his siblings over the years.

I think you're right. There's no use in responding. They are caught in the love of drama and no matter what you do, they will create more. You cannot win.  I don't know how common this is, but it is exactly what I am going thru right now and I'm done. I want nothing to do with any of them anymore.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

But common or not, it sounds like you are dealing with a toxic and possibly PD sibling, and that is terribly hard. You are right to keep your distance from drama.

Thank you Starboard. Yes, keeping my NC with GC sibling for two years running. The sad reality is that my life is so much better without her in it.   

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thanks for replying everyone. 
 
Desertpine - Good to know I am not the only one NC with siblings. Nobody understands how you could do that, and the only place I can share is on this forum.  Thank you for understanding.     
         
Cordelia - Thanks for sharing your NC with your siblings. Thanks also for your reflection on the dynamic about my niece. Accurate that instead of assuming I missed her, they created a scenario where I deliberately ignored her, etc. Sadly I think it shows how such dysfunction and scapegoating can be "taught" to younger generations and it carries on.  As for boundaries with parents under such conditions, this particular scenario is a breach of my boundaries I clearly communicated so it only leads to me going from VLC to NC. It is just inevitable that I be NC with my whole entire FOO. 
   
Thanks everyone.   
   
 

[GettingOOTF]

Abuse, addiction and family dysfunction is inter generational as children learn from their parents. They learn based on what they see growing up.

My niece, who I love and think is a good person, said the most horrible things to me when I went to visit them. She hardly knows me as we live on opposite sides of the world.  She got those things from my sister and father.

I am the scapegoat and I’m NC with my siblings. I eventually went NC with my father. Dysfunction doesn’t happen in a vacuum and I see that my parents are responsible for for the dynamic between the three siblings.  While on an intellectual level I understand this on an emotional level I will not subject myself to their treatment of me. I don’t see us having a relationship while my father is still in the picture.

It’s funny because I am clearly the scapegoat but I don’t see any of my siblings as the GC as we were all treated so poorly. My younger sister can do no wrong in the eyes of my father but I’d say that she has suffered the most.

I have come to see that the GC has it the worst in a dysfunctional family. I think it’s harder for them to break away as they have less to run from. There was nothing for me in my family so it was easier for me to leave. I have some compassion for my youngest sister but she is a vicious woman and I won’t allow that in my life. I hope that one day both my siblings can make it out but I won’t let myself get pulled back in.

To add I have been NC with siblings for 2 years as well. With father for one. 

[nanotech]

My UNPDBrother is and was always the golden child. I don't see or speak to him. He's horrendous to me when he gets the chance. So now he doesn't get the chance.
I'm not looking forward to my dad passing. We are both executors in the will so we will have to work together.
After that I'm never seeing any of them again.
Golden Child used to triangulate through our mother. UNBPDMUM died several years back. Since then he's tried, but without mum he just can't have the same impact.
My two sisters are both like the elephant who thinks the rope is still around their foot. So they carry on the codependency and compliance. He can't rage directly so he's  taken to keyboard warrioring instead. I've blocked on social media, all three of them are blocked.
Big big sigh for the family we could have been.   
I remember teaching him to walk as a baby(there's 11 years between us) and him being smiley, cuddly and lovely.
Then he got to  2 or 3 and his tantrums started. Mum struggled with him, then just gave in to him all the time. She called it ' giving him as much love as I can.'
For love, read Power. She directed us to do the same. By the time he was four he ruled our home. That sounds impossible? I'm really not kidding.  He would walk into a room and  shout at/ order my very timid sister (aged 7) to get out of her chair so he could sit there. She would move very very fast. I saw this behaviour, and complained to mum,  who would stay in the kitchen and just yell back at me to be quiet and stop fussing, that he was 'only little.' Even my sister would  worriedly  whisper to me to 'leave it!' when things like this happened.
It was so wrong. I was not yet a parent but I knew it was clearly wrong to let him get away with it all. I was a mid -teen and I knew I was below my four year old brother in status. It's no wonder he never respected me. Still doesn't.
Why did my little sister allow herself to be abused? She didn't tell us for 40 years, but if she didn't comply straight away, even to the point of defending his abuse of her, then he would pour physical abuse on her when no one was around.
There was nothing cute about him at 4. I mean really nothing.
Nor is there at 50. He's a raging narcissist who tells people( including my own daughter)  that  he's 'concerned' for my sanity.
This was after I put up boundaries re his P/A texting. Basically I said to him , no more texting unless dad is dying.
He likes to bait and ghost by text. I woke up to it finally, that he was taking my medium chill responses as a kind of tacit agreement of his abuse.
This isn't to say that medium chill isn't brilliant. I use it. It just became inadequate for this relationship. I don't lose anything and I gain a lot, by going NC. with him.
When  I was teenage, I used to go babysit other people's kids, and my experiences and feedback would be so different. My mum couldn't understand why these kids liked me, and the parents too! 
She thought I wasn't good with children. She would tell me this.
I guess I criticised my brother. Enough reason for mum to conclude that.

Younger sister developed an autoimmune disease and  has remained timid. She lives much like a hermit. Another ruined life.

This is a good thread. Hugs to  you Blueberry, 
Your description of how you are set up to fail  so that they can shame you, resonates with me. 

I'm VLC with my dad.- works okay because he's had to accept my boundaries.
I thought he might disown me when I started  self differentiating, but he hasn't. I was ready for it though.
From what I've read on here, I think I'm in the  minority in terms of getting VLC to work.  I'm lucky in that he doesn't  care to ring me that much himself. (My mum was addicted to the phone and she liked all sibling contact to travel through her. She liked to gossip and spin ).
Also, I'm one of four, so my dad still gets plenty of supply from the other three.
And brother has enlisted a niece as a codependent and flying monkey. I think she's a replacement for me - possibly.  (?) poor girl.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Hi Blueberry Pancakes - this is a great thread! It's dawned on me this past year that I'm my FOO's scapegoat, and my older sister is uNPD and the GC.

Any (well, healthy) person hearing you recount your story would find this behavior bizarre on the part of your family. I do! It's funny how we're caught and conditioned so deep into our family dysfunction that we need a little sanity check with others - to ask "seriously, this is messed up, right? I'm not alone here!" Our FOOs have trained us well... I find myself needing validation for being driven bonkers by my FOO's behavior every so often, but people don't understand...

When very young my relationship with GC uNPD sib was either non-existent or controllingly abusive. My other older sibling, I suspect since he was the only boy, had a similar GC status as well. Looking back I think a lot of abuse was triangulated through the three of us, my brother acting out my older sisters whims onto me along with his own, though I think he was controlled to do it, I think. As a teenager developing depression and anxiety, my uNPD sib mocked me for these, even though she had them herself, and has spent a lifetime suppressing evidence of my childhood abuse while keeping the spotlight on hers (though all my siblings were abused)

As adults my uNPD sib and I were actually really close and things were good for a time, for maybe four years, but I was deeply fooled. My covert narc M was traveling and out of the picture those years so my SG role took the back burner and she found a new supply in me and no reason to abuse it. I supported and talked with her about just about anything she wanted, including her mental health issues. She seemed kind, healthy, and concerned with my own life. When my M returned into the picture, I was quickly discarded. She used my (and my husband's) challenging her about a racial topic as her fuel and cue to ramp up a slow building smear campaign against us - first it dragged in friends, and over the past year she's finally brought the rest of the family to her side, and my best friend as well (my younger sib). It's clear I'm the problem in my FOO, and not her.

Last year (exactly a year ago) I had a conversation with her that I realized would be our last and final conversation. I wanted to address why she discarded me. (She had started texting and getting back in touch with me 3 years after the discard like everything was normal, I needed an explanation). Instead of explaining that she launched into an interrogation about my marriage, poking and prodding to get evidence to support her fantasy narrative that my husband physically abuses and controls me. It's an easier reality for her than accepting that our FOO has some issues with race (and of course our traumatic past!) and a lot of other problems, and that my husband (a sign of my individuation/healthy separation from family) was an influence that woke me up to it.

I'm actually really sad for her, as she will never have that healthy individuation herself (she's too frigid to date, she pushes friendships away, she's unemployable and has a job right now only thanks to a family friend), though I'm still working mostly through rage and hurt right now, as I've lost my whole family in a short period of time. I'm permanent NC with her, and with my other FOO rushing to her side, I'm going NC with them as well.

Some part of her has seen me establish a healthy separate life, and knows this. And instead of being inspired to heal like I did, she sought to instead damage my relationships not just with her but the rest of the family, too... I guess it was the only thing that would help her feel better, to get all her licks in before I sever ties and build my happy life, and to make 100% sure the door hits my butt on the way out.

It's the only thing she knows how to do, is to be real charming and endearing for a short while before you find out what she really feels about you: you're just an object to her, a toy doll she can toss out the window when she's sick of you. So, permanent NC forever, and an enemy to my own blood for as long as they refuse to understand why.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thanks for sharing your stories everyone. I am both saddened, but heartened by our common experiences.
Hepatica - One of the reasons you are NC with your father is that he pressures and manipulates for you to get in contact with your sibling, reminding of their impending deaths. My dad does that too. I wonder if they just can only see me as a primary source of support to his GC and cannot fit me into any other slot.     
     
GettingOOTF - To see the behaviors passed onto the next generation is chilling. I had hoped my sister's kids would figure it out, but it is too easy for them to stay fogged in. I am appalled by behaviors in young people toward "grown ups" because I would never have addressed adults in such accusatory ways but I think they feel safe doing it and likely are encouraged. The mobbing just increased by one more player. Two years NC is easy when these are the dynamics.     

Nanotech - I am glad you can make VLC work. I think it might be easier if you do not have an engulfing NPD family member. When I look back to childhood, my sister displayed NPD behaviors and parents encouraged her frequently also telling me to "stop fussing".  It was there in childhood, it just took me several decades to figure it out. Thanks.     

Distance - Thanks for the validation which is one reason I am here. You say NC forever and an enemy to your own blood for as long as they refuse to understand why. That exactly sums up where I am too, and I do believe they "can" understand but they "refuse" so they do not have to make that leap. 

[SparkStillLit]

Hello,
I'm NC with my GC brother. He doesn't really do anything, but he's a moocher and an alcoholic and he never contacts the family unless he wants something. Then once you give it to him, he's gone (and you'll never see it again) till next time he's in the hole. My nephew is fairly similar, but I've never given him anything, I'm vvvvlc with him. He's pleasant when I see him. My brother is... very awkward when I accidentally see him. I guess we do text on holidays and birthday. Merry Christmas, Happy birthday. That's it.
My nmum tries to force contact, but I won't have it, and neither will he, apparently. She probably doesn't force him. She probably trash talks me for not doing it. When we used to talk, he would tell me all the trash she said about me.
As I said, he's fairly benign toward me (I mean as far as my family goes) but I can't handle his mooching and dysfunction on top of what else I got myself into and the rest of the FOO. Trying to back off the FOO, tbh.

[Hepatica]

Why is it that so many of the disordered parents want the scapegoat and the GC to be close? My uNPD father is nearly maniacal about this. It is driving him crazy that I have distanced from my sister. I think it's about control. I am no longer his chess piece. The sick part of it is, it was he who told me something about her that woke me up and was the last straw for me. I wanted nothing to do with her after he told me. He said it and I started crying. Tears filled my eyes because I knew I'd never see her the same way. He sat there with this psychopathic smirk, did not mention that I was wiping away the tears, just kept talking without missing a beat.

When I distanced from my sister he could not and can not stand it. But if he hadn't told me that, I might not be any the wiser about her. He orchestrated his own misery in many ways.  He divided us and now he blames me for breaking everything, saying I should just let things go.

[blues_cruise]

I have been NC with my GC sister for two years and feeling great with no plans to change my boundary. The only reason I remotely have any idea what is going on with her is that I am attempting to see if I can have any degree of VLC with our elderly parents.         
       
My relationship with my GC sibling is done due to a lifetime where she has triangulated with others and damaged me in many ways. I suppose this is common, right?  It does  not stop her from still trying to wreak havoc though. 
   
Last week my parents told me my sister informed them that I had seen my sister's teenage daughter at a store and that I completely ignored her. They were all hurt by my poor treatment of her. I actually did see a girl who looked like my niece, but since we are all wearing masks now I was not sure it was her. We did not exchange eye contact, did not speak to each other nor was there any interaction.  However, it did not stop my sister from making up a story in which I would look bad, be accused of wrong-doing, and found guilty.  I recognized the familiar pattern. I said nothing further to my dad, just said this was not respectful and said goodbye. Since then, dad called and left me a voicemail asking me to do him a favor and call my sister to wish her happy birthday and mend fences. How twisted is this?  I am not responding to any of this. Just wondering if this is the way it usually goes and how common this is.  Thanks.

In a dysfunctional FOO it seems giving the scapegoat the benefit of the doubt the way you would try to do with anyone else is just not the way, they always seem to be trying to "catch you out" on imagined slights. I think this keeps us hypervigilant and constantly questioning ourselves so that the rest of the FOO can continue writing their own narrative and remain feeling superior. I don't see how you were any more at fault than your niece in that situation, though why anyone has to be "at fault" in that scenario is the real question. It's just one of those awkward things which naturally arises when wearing a mask and I'm sure so many people have been there.

I am also the family scapegoat, but there isn't really a golden child. I'm just the biggest scapegoat if that makes sense. I'm NC with both my siblings too. I was NC with the parents first, and the sibling relationships quickly crumbled in the aftermath.

It's the same situation with my FOO, except I'm very low contact with my siblings (their choice sadly) rather than no contact. It seems to be the way it goes unfortunately. 

[LemonLime]

Blueberry, your story about your niece makes me mad.  Why are you responsible for how that interaction went?  What about her role, and why can't they give you the benefit of the doubt?

I probably have the opposite issue.   My uPD sis would undoubtedly call me the GC and her the SG.   I was a compliant and polite and emotionally regulated child and she was not.   For better or for worse.   So she did have a different "experience" of childhood than I did, no doubt.   My parents were generally good parents but didn't have the chops for my sister's temperament.

You might think that my sis would blame them for that, not me.   Especially since I was the younger child, so she had them all "to herself" for several years before I was even born.  Then for the next few years I was a baby, so not sure what I did wrong to her there except take up all my parents' time and attention I suppose.   Not sure how that is my fault.

But she has recently said that we (I) see her as "always the Villain".   Ummm.....OK.   I don't see her as a villain.  I see her as emotionally immature with emotional dysregulation.  Dysregulation that comes out in rages, especially at me.

So being the "GC" has really sucked,    After all, who likes the "GC who can "do no wrong?"   I guess nobody does.   
But it has not at all been a fun role for me because it has been a title foisted upon me by my sister, who apparently despises me for no clear reason.  I do think she's displacing her anger toward my parents to me, because I am younger and and I don't give her financial support.   Maybe she feels I make her look bad?  I'm not intending to do that.   She is playing a game that I am not playing.

So, our relationship sucks.   Each of us has a good relationship with our parents.   But not with each other.
I do not like being the GC.   What is feels like to me is that I have been made into her personal SG.

Not trying to hijack your thread Blueberry.   I feel for you.   I wish there weren't these SC and GC roles at all.

[Jolie40]

how is relationship with GC?

always thought that I had a decent relationship with GC sister & GC brother

when GC was pregnant, I bought her groceries, massaged her painful back, & then later
babysat, etc

sadly, as she has gotten older, she has taken on some traits of PD parent
started blaming me just as PD parent did

GC brother has taken on traits of other parent & gotten more aggressive & dismissive as he ages
last time he saw me, he yelled at me & then apologized saying it was a misunderstanding

[Mintstripes]

What manipulative, guilting and table turning tactics they use! It's always the SG's fault, after all.

I've gone through periods of LC and NC with my GC brother, but have been NC for a year now. I met with him in person for the first time in about 5 years, last year. He was 2 hours late. His mannerisms reminded me so much of my UnPD father. He even showed up wearing his old sweater from the 80's. I cannot make this stuff up!

Anyway, I gave him a chance and he blew it, proving that he was still our parents' puppet, lying and trying to get information about me and LO. I caught him in the lie. He never apologized or admitted any wrongdoing. I decided it was best for me and LO to cut contact.

The sad thing is that I really, really loved my brother when he was a baby/kid. We were far enough apart that I took care of him as I grew older. I remember being such a proud older sister. But toxic family dynamics changed that, over the years. He was coddled and still is, I'm sure, as a grown man.

[blacksheep7]

Why is it that so many of the disordered parents want the scapegoat and the GC to be close?

Imo, they just want a big happy family, the gc can do no wrong and appearances are so important for the narc parents. It depends on the history of each family, each sibling even though  were all treated unfairly growing up. I also believe that the age of each child  reacts differently.  My sister who was only six is a perfect example.  She was helpless and in her adult years she had episodes of depersonalization when confronted with stressful events.  The first time was when she got married. 
Her dh brought her to his doctor and without knowing her background told her to grow up.  

Gcb is the eldest and we are only 15 months apart in age and were close in our teens. We were frivolous, had built a defense mechanism/a sheild to which the actions/rages and words or threats from NF slided off us like water to a duck.  It was our daily life to live, this is how we coped.  Emotions were cut off.

Gc left home at 17 because of a physical altercation with nf.   I always had his back.  He got married and moved away due to his work and would hardly ever call or visit even though he was in town. Saw him not more than five times in 35 years.  I would have expected that he would at least call me, nope. Didn't show up for important milestones, even as a godfather to bro2 son.  Came back when his wife died.

We all forgave and felt sorry for him. We reconnected (just us two) for a year. It was superficial just like our early life.  I did not know that he was  an alcoholic, it was just weed in his teens. I can understand because of our past but at 60 with careless actions and no remorse I put an end  to our relationship. 

That is where NM threatened (emotional blackmail) me again for going nc with bro. I also believe because he is the opposite sex, less of an extension for her.   Gc did not talk about the past, all was forgiven as well as my other siblings who just went along with her fake persona as a victim/waif being a widow at that point. This was the final straw that made me come Out of the FOG.
He comes once a month to visit NM, buys her groceries and everything is fine in lala land when they are together.