Haunted house

[Call Me Cordelia]

This weekend my family and another family we are close with went to an amusement park together. My son and his best friend went with his dad into the haunted house ride.

When I was a kid, similar in age to them, I went to the same park and went on the same ride. The first spook was exactly what I was afraid of as a young child-a skeleton coming out of the closet. (How's that for a dysfunctional family metaphor?!?!?) I closed my eyes and kept them closed the whole rest of the ride. My dad who was riding with me shamed me the whole time. It's not that bad, you're Only making it worse for yourself, you wanted to go on this and now you're just wasting my money by keeping your eyes shut. The whole. Damn. Ride. I was ashamed of myself for years, and every time we went back there it was cast up to me that no way are we getting tickets for the haunted house. It was so embarrassing. He tore me down over this two dollar ride for years.

Well, these two boys reacted the same way. First spook was more than they bargained for and nope, not gonna do it. Our friend was fine with it. "Ok, I'll tell you when it's over." And that was all that was said about it.

I'm blown away by this perfectly normal non-incident. Part of me wishes I had gone on it too but I would have had to make a special point of it the way the day went. Maybe next time. It doesn't really matter whether I ever ride the thing with my eyes open or not. But I'm so glad for my son that he has normal and kind people in his life!

[GettingOOTF]

It's incredible how non-dysfunctional, non-PD people deal with things. This really struck me when I started dating. Things my ex would make such a big deal about were nothing to other people. I'd ask someone not to do something and they'd simply stop doing it and move on.

[TwentyTwenty]

Narcissistic parents are only concerned with the impact to them, not to anyone else. They will even go so far as to invent an issue if none is present, so it's no wonder that $2 would afford an @ss h0le of a father a lifetime's worth of material. Great that your kids had a positive, different experience!

[Free2Bme]

 

Every small victory like this moves us another step away from the dysfunction.   

[Adrianna]

Interesting that you talk about this because years ago I as working at a haunted house with my friend who was running it. The experience was not pleasant.

I saw a child, middle school age, not want to go in. His/her (can't recall) father basically forced the kid to go and was yelling. 

What's wrong with you?
Are you a baby?
You're going on the ride.
I'm not putting up with this.

That sort of stuff.

I was sooooooo upset over it, I literally told my friend no can do on future events and I will not volunteer again for this. I see now it was triggering for me, seeing that child be bullied by a parent. It really stuck with me.

My father was like that, and I have a vivid memory of him berating me for falling and skinning my knee because I was crying and he was embarrassed.

Lack of empathy takes many forms but when we see it, it resonates and not on a good way.

[jenlem]

Wow, this kind of reminds me of a time my parents wanted to take me and my tiny (about 2 year old) son to the theatre. There was an interactive performance for kids with actors dressed in elaborate costumes and makeup. My son (who I didn't know then has sensory processing issues) screamed the place down and wouldn't go near the actors. We had to leave within seconds and trying again clearly wasn't going to work for him.
NPD dad: well, you didn't like our 'treat'. That's the last time we try to treat you to something...
Shaming a 2-year old for god's sake. And wouldn't shut up about it.

I started to realise then that there was a major mismatch in what he and I considered appropriate parenting.

You are so right that these things pass without drama and recriminations in non-PD families. I have thankfully experienced this with my family in-law.

I hope revisiting that bad experience in a new light gave you some sort of release.

[nanotech]

Interesting that you talk about this because years ago I as working at a haunted house with my friend who was running it. The experience was not pleasant.

I saw a child, middle school age, not want to go in. His/her (can't recall) father basically forced the kid to go and was yelling. 

What's wrong with you?
Are you a baby?
You're going on the ride.
I'm not putting up with this.

That sort of stuff.

I was sooooooo upset over it, I literally told my friend no can do on future events and I will not volunteer again for this. I see now it was triggering for me, seeing that child be bullied by a parent. It really stuck with me.

My father was like that, and I have a vivid memory of him berating me for falling and skinning my knee because I was crying and he was embarrassed.

Lack of empathy takes many forms but when we see it, it resonates and not on a good way.

Saddening
When my son was 8 he had a friend who asked if one day he could spend the whole day at our house. I said yes and he  could have lunch.
His parents and sisters were going to be out all day. I asked where they were going?
It was to a Mega sized water park. I was surprised that he hadn't wanted to go with them.
My son whispered to me not to question it, that the reason was- his father.
His father would apparently have forced him to go on the biggest slide, which he hated.

[freedom77]

This reminds me of my BPD/N mother who would growl in my ear, "stop embarrassing me", or "you're making a fool of me" and even clench or pinch my upper arm if I cried in public or expressed some type of discomfort that others could overhear. I remember sitting on the door step of our front porch waiting for the school bus on what I believe was my 1st day of kindergarten. I was very nervous and dropped my lunch box, all of its contents spilled out and tumbled down the steps. Just then, the enormous yellow school bus (I'd never been on a bus before) came roaring around the corner. I began to whimper because now, not only was I anxious about getting on a bus alone, going to school for the 1st time, but now I had no lunch. Mother whisper hissed into my ear to stop it or people might think she beats me.

What I worry about is if I ever act this way with my own DD. I know I've whispered at her to knock off spectacle type behaviors or to quiet down in public.

[athene1399]

Kind of reminds me of my dad teaching me to ride a two-wheel bike for the first time:

You're such a baby. Stop crying. I'm going to throw this bike out since it is useless because you can't ride it....

All he did was make me feel worse and worse the whole time. Instead of building me up, he just tore me down. Learning to drive was the same way. So I taught my younger sister to drive because I didn't want her to go through what I did. He made me cry almost every time we drove together. My anxiety was through the roof and he made it worse.

I generally treat SD the way I wished my parents treated me (which is basically understanding that she has her own feelings and that they are important to validate). 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh my gosh, athene, it was the same way with me and riding a bike and driving! Did we talk about this before? Truly, it took me years to drive without being nervous. Merging onto a highway was especially bad. I could hear in my head, "Accelerate, damnit! It's an acceleration lane, not a hesitation lane! Go, go, go!" As a teen I would not be sure at all it was safe to merge in but I did just because of the screaming. He never taught me how to LOOK.

My dad is a very unsafe driver. Road rage caused accidents every few years.

I was not allowed to teach my younger sister to drive. Reason: I was such a bad driver. 

I wonder if they just can't handle our (very natural) fear.

[nanotech]

I learned  to ride a bike on my own, at a friend's house, on her little sister's  bike. Then and only then, did they agree to buy me one. I was 9.
Mum had never learned, and I don't know why my dad never taught me. I had to ride a scooter before that.
Now my dad is elderly I hear all about his amazing bike rides as a 12-15 year old. So why wouldn't he teach his kids? Or did I have a lucky escape? Maybe so.
My older sis never learned to ride one. Never taught. We weren't taught to swim either. Out of four kids I'm the only one who can swim,  and that was down to school.
Mum wrote sick notes for the others and would have for me, but my teacher was one of those gems, and she made me think I could do it.
It wasn't valued. Neither parent could swim. Not that that's bad on its own, it happened in those days. But many would have made sure that their kids had lessons.
Not taught to drive either.
He did try and teach me golf. But I don't think I was interested enough.
Hmm I nearly deleted this from this thread, because my experience was different, yet on second thoughts I don't think this is off topic. It's either they engulf, or they ignore. I got ignored.

[athene1399]

It's either they engulf, or they ignore. I got ignored.

Yup. My sister is enmeshed and always looking for validation from my FOO and I couldn't care less. I learned to take care of myself. Nanotech, I am glad you had others who were positive influences. Like you gym teacher and your friend. I know my FOO has that "if it isn't important to me, then it shouldn't' be important to you" mentality. Sounds like a bit of this was maybe going on for you. Your parents couldn't swim so figured there was no point to teaching you. Like you said, it wasn't valued.   

Cordelia, I think we did talk about learning to ride bikes before. I couldn't believe there were so many with the same experience. 

"Accelerate, damnit! It's an acceleration lane, not a hesitation lane! Go, go, go!"

I'm pretty sure dad used this line too. My dad doesn't really have the road rage, but he's usually drunk/drinking.  I stopped getting in accidents in the winter when I stopped listening to his voice in my head yelling "why the hell are you slowing down? It's just a little snow".