How much should I assert my rights?

[TheEscapeArtist]

I'm two months separated from my uNPDx (full story on the Welcome Mat) but I feel like I'm still letting her control too much.  She's dragging her heels through mediation so we haven't even got close to any settlement yet.  In the meantime she's dictating how much I see DD5 and where I can take her.

She is still in the family home with DD and I am in a short term holiday let until I can move into my new home next month (where I am hoping to have DD live as much as possible).

I think DD is still a bit confused about where I'm living but my ex has asked me not to tell her where I am living because she thinks it will confuse her more.  I really want to tell her but I guess I'm still under the control of my ex.

I think it would be better to be honest and say Daddy is living here just for a few weeks and I would like to let her come here on my next contact day, which is for 6 hours on Saturday.   I think it would help her process what's happening if I did. And also I have to take DD back to the family home for lunch and all day if it's raining (ex goes out) but at the end of the day I always get an email telling me off for doing something wrong. Last week I moved the clothes rail to let DD get to her toy cooker to play!  So I'd like to avoid that.

So I know I have every right to bring DD here, but I also know my ex is collecting evidence of my 'unreasonable behaviour' and will try and use the fact she has asked me not to as evidence of something I do wrong.  Further if I bring DD here without telling her first she will be livid and it will make her up the ante and be even harder to deal with.  If I inform her of my intention in advance it may cause her to not allow the handover and just not answer the door when I knock. As we haven't got to a settlement yet there's nothing I could do to enforce it.

It's really frustrating that she's still got so much control over me.  I want to ask my solicitor if she thinks bringing DD here is something ex could use against me later but can't get an appointment until Monday.  All my family say I should just bring DD here on Saturday and hang the consequences.  But I think I'm still too scared of my ex to do it.  And maybe she could use it against me if I do? It's a quandary...

[Starboard Song]

I think DD is still a bit confused about where I'm living but my ex has asked me not to tell her where I am living because she thinks it will confuse her more.  I really want to tell her but I guess I'm still under the control of my ex.

If your x was opposed to telling DD where you live on some type of moral grounds, like, you live at a brothel or over a bar, or with a new girlfriend, I'd encourage you to respect that.

If DD already understands that you are living somewhere else, telling her where doesn't seem remotely confusing. "This is where I live."   "OK, Dad."  It's pretty straightforward.

That said, doing anything secretively at this stage is dangerous. I'd explain to x that you intend to visit with DD at your place. If she objects again, I'd be very sweet and sunny and point out that there is nothing at all confusing about renting a home. It's just like going on vacation for a while. And soon you'll move to a home where you stay for a long time. Any healthy 5 year old can understand that.

But stay relaxed. Don't be angry. Don't be pushy.

Good luck.

[TheEscapeArtist]

Thanks for the validation. I need people to keep telling me this. I know rationally that there is nothing wrong with bringing DD here (her latest objection is it's not Covid safe - I've been here two weeks, use disinfectant wipes and nobody else has been here in that time so it's as Covid safe as you can get) but I still doubt myself.

Bottom line is she's still trying to control me and I'm still letting her because I'm not mentally strong enough to keep challenging her. I need to work on that.

Thanks again.

[athene1399]

It is very hard to challenge the ex when you know what the consequences could be. It takes a lot of work to work through that trauma. SO and I eventually worked out a system where we would both discuss the pro and cons of if it was worth ruffling BM's (BPDxw) feathers. Sometimes it was worth it to put our foot down and other times it was something small so better to just let it go. It takes time to find that strength.

I agree with Starboard. I see nothing wrong with you bringing DD to where you are staying. I am not a child expert, but in my opinion it would be less confusing for her to explain to DD that her parents have separated and you are finding a new place to live instead of not telling her you are living elsewhere. There are children books that explain divorce which may help. I've not read any of them, but maybe someone on here would know of a good one.

[Penny Lane]

Do you have a temporary order that lays out what the rules are? Or are you operating under an informal agreement?

[TheEscapeArtist]

Do you have a temporary order that lays out what the rules are? Or are you operating under an informal agreement?

Informal at the moment. Its early days and she postponed our mediation session. Again. So I can't even get to an agreement I just have to work with what she offers at the moment

[Penny Lane]

Hi, so, here is a glimpse of your future if your ex is anything like my husband's ex (and I think she is).

Starting now and going until forever, your ex is going to try to make a lot of outrageous and absurd demands that are NOT in your daughter's best interest. If you don't comply, she is going to escalate the bad behaviors and try to put your daughter in the middle of it in order to force you to concede. It's like the worst game of chicken. However, if you concede to her demands, they will just get more outrageous and terrible, and in the end you will be constantly making decisions that hurt your daughter in order to appease your ex (who, spoiler) will never be appeased.

Your job is to get to a place, emotionally, physically and legally, where you don't have to cave to her demands. Emotionally, you need to be able to see them for what they are, and have the strength to say "I'm sorry you're choosing to behave badly but that is not my fault." Physically you need to be away from her. And legally you need protection in the form of a court order that lays out parenting issues.

Physically, you're good. Emotionally, it sounds like you're still dipping in and Out of the FOG which is totally normal. It's great that you're getting a gut check about whether she is being reasonable and what you should do. Confidence in your decisions will come in time.

My concern is that you're not there legally and that you don't have the right protections lined up if she does something REALLY erratic, like saying that you can't see your daughter for a spurious reason. Do you think it's possible that if you took your daughter to your house that your ex would try to withhold visitation the next time? Or would she just throw a temper tantrum? And if she did refuse to let you see your daughter, and you had to call the police, would they back you up or would they say they can't do anything without an order? A temper tantrum you can live with; not seeing your daughter for months, that should be avoided at all costs.

Ultimately, my goal for you would be for you to say "what you are asking for is not reasonable and I am not going to accept your restrictions on my parenting time with our daughter." But depending to the answers to the previous questions, it might be prudent to do what she wants this weekend and then see what your solicitor says on Monday. Under no circumstances should you accept this as the status quo - but pushing off the fight until you get more information is strategic.

On her documenting your "unreasonable behavior": This is a manipulation designed to get into your head. If anyone is behaving unreasonably here, it's her. Eventually you will get to the point where, when you hear things like that, you can think to yourself "she's trying to manipulate me into doing something I don't want to do." Get clear in your own mind what behaviors are OK and what aren't (your solicitor should be able to tell you) and pay no attention to what she thinks is unreasonable. I guarantee you a judge will have a very different definition of unreasonable than she does.

At least in my jurisdiction, courts expect separated parents to file a temporary parenting plan with the court pretty much immediately. And if the parents can't come to an agreement, they court decides. If I were you I would ask your solicitor about asking the court to put something like this in place. (Usually in your motion you would include a proposed plan. She might come back with a different proposed plan, in which case you would have a hearing and the judge would decide). Much if this will likely be boilerplate language and schedules. At best this would force her to come to the table to mediate it. At worst, you end up with a plan that a judge has assigned which is better than no plan at all. If this is an option for you I really think you should pursue it. It turns out that any kind of legal issue with a PD is a long, drawn out, often pointless slog which decisions happen very slowly and they throw up roadblocks constantly. Anything you can do to expedite the process will serve you well in the long run. And anywhere you can get a measure of certainty will help you as you're navigating this process.

Good luck!

[TheEscapeArtist]

Do you think it's possible that if you took your daughter to your house that your ex would try to withhold visitation the next time? Or would she just throw a temper tantrum? And if she did refuse to let you see your daughter, and you had to call the police, would they back you up or would they say they can't do anything without an order? A temper tantrum you can live with; not seeing your daughter for months, that should be avoided at all costs.

I honestly have no idea how she would respond. I don't think she would withhold contact forever but she certainly might try for a day or so.  Also I want to avoid her temper. Having just escaped 12 years of it I feel like i need a break. I know I need to find the strength to deal with it forever though, don't I?

Not sure what police would do without an order unless it was a safeguarding issue (X isn't physically violent). I'm in the UK (I think I'm allowed to be that generic with stating my location). The legal system here isn't interested unless someone has actually filed. And you can't file if you haven't attempted mediation first. And she's dragging out the mediation process....

Anyway I'm not going to risk it tomorrow. What's one more weekend without her seeing where I am?

I have a solicitors appointment then the mediation (assuming she doesn't cancel again) back to back on Monday. So I'll see where we are after that.

Thanks for all your advice everyone. Very helpful.