Sh!@#$% my mother said to me over this past 2 weeks

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frogjumpsout

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Sh!@#$% my mother said to me over this past 2 weeks
« on: September 08, 2020, 03:32:35 AM »
Hi friends, Just putting this here so I don't abuse-amnesia it away (also, thanks to people on this board for helping me through #1.)
1. You're a failure but it's my fault: please comfort me about how I was a good mother.
2. Defy Covid restrictions and come see us in person!
3. I am so hurt that you are not in my life (I am not NC...yet -- had offered a Zoom meetup as a replacement for 2)
4. I am bored and sad; you used to be such a good therapist when you were a child. Do that again now! (Friday of Labor Day Weekend)
5. You are a user of people. (Saturday "")
6. I miss you! Kisses! (Sunday "")
7. Hey, did you have a fun Labor Day weekend? We did -- we went to the beach! (Monday "")

Somewhere in there were also: "I am so good to my abusive mother -- I'm like an angel, emulate me!" and "We need to forgive each other and move on."

I gray-rocked it all but am now feeling the after-effects  :stars:

Thanks for reading!



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Blueberry Pancakes

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Re: Sh!@#$% my mother said to me over this past 2 weeks
« Reply #1 on: September 08, 2020, 12:10:34 PM »
Sorry all of that happened Frog. I am amazed at how much S@&^%# they can pack into even short calls, messages, or visits. When you look back over the past couple weeks, it is no wonder you say you are now feeling the after effects. There is a lot of heft to those words. They pack a punch and being on the receiving end takes its toll. As for #3, I kind of question how they say they are hurt you are not in their life anymore, even as they are talking to you which means you are clearly still in their life, but I suppose it is just not to the degree of their liking. 
I am glad that you can recognize this as harmful to you. I really feel like that in itself is a huge step toward healing. With awareness it will be easier to maintain your healthy boundaries and do what you need to take care of yourself. Your happiness matters and you deserve to feel good about who you are as a person and to have a good life.   
   

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frogjumpsout

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Re: Sh!@#$% my mother said to me over this past 2 weeks
« Reply #2 on: September 08, 2020, 01:12:59 PM »
Thank you, BP, for this kind, healing message!

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frogjumpsout

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Re: Sh!@#$% my mother said to me over this past 2 weeks
« Reply #3 on: September 08, 2020, 01:40:30 PM »
Oh, and I forgot 2A: You must be some kind of hypochondriac if you don't want to break social distancing for us. I'm worried about your mental health!

(Then she called my partner's mother to talk about how crazy I am.)

Thanks again to whoever's reading -- I know this is sort of rant-y.

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Boat Babe

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Re: Sh!@#$% my mother said to me over this past 2 weeks
« Reply #4 on: September 08, 2020, 01:51:47 PM »
I'm worried for your mental health. Holy Brown Stuff.

It gets better. It has to.

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frogjumpsout

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Re: Sh!@#$% my mother said to me over this past 2 weeks
« Reply #5 on: September 08, 2020, 03:40:11 PM »
Thanks, Boat Babe. My thoughts exactly! It's great to have other people's affirmation here and to get it all down in writing.

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Psuedonym

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Re: Sh!@#$% my mother said to me over this past 2 weeks
« Reply #6 on: September 08, 2020, 04:55:45 PM »
They are all so similar it's spooky, frog! I'm an only child (not sure if you have siblings) and I too would get that whirlpool of contradictory statements. I would get from uPD M either:

1. You seem so strong (used as an excuse for: using me as a therapist, calling me 'mom', it's your 'job to cheer me up', lack of any sort of sympathy when my dad died because it was all about her, etc.)

– or –

2. There's always been something wrong with you (usually said behind my back to anyone/everyone she could think to call, including my husband). This line of thinking extended to my being crazy/a liar/unstable/selfish/childish/ungrateful/etc. This happened whenever she didn't get what she wanted, I set a boundary, or finally went NC.)

The most logic defying example of this was when she'd say all of 2. and then follow up with how she was the 'best mother in the world'.  :stars:

And yep, I also heard about how great she was to her mother (whom she despised) even though her favorite story to tell was how, when my grandmother (another definite PD) refused to go back to the place she lived and started having a meltdown, my mother slapped her. I heard this story dozens of times growing up, with the spin that it was all about her protecting me and how selfless that was, and not about how she hated her mother. Bananas, I tell you. :)

It's great to post these things here, both as a reminder and to realize that other people have experienced this craziness. If you are like me and many others on this site, you probably go through periods where you think that your mother isn't as bad as others described on this site or maybe she isn't that disordered. Here's a great new video from the great Les Carter that will help you get past that: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fp4kyWg2DUM (The cliffnotes version is that someone who can't admit to ever doing wrong, apologizing, or changing their behavior is very far along the spectrum)


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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: Sh!@#$% my mother said to me over this past 2 weeks
« Reply #7 on: September 08, 2020, 05:20:07 PM »
That’s a lot of shit. The “I’m so good to my mother even though she hurts me horribly” was trotted out by my own uNF. I think that’s the closest to self-awareness I would ever get from him. But then it all was drowned out in how wrong I am to have boundaries. Especially since he’s NoTHInG like his mother although most of what he says is exactly what she would say. Again, it’s all completely crazy and yet they are all so much alike.

For someone not in their life you have an awful lot of communication with them. Looks like daily! Is that typical?? If you’re feeling those after effects, (and no wonder,) I too worry about your mental health. Even if you are the queen of grey rock PD craziness is a relentless barrage that takes constant energy to defend ourselves and to recover from. If the next assault is coming before you can recover well it catches up to you in your body and overall well-being.

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Blueberry Pancakes

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Re: Sh!@#$% my mother said to me over this past 2 weeks
« Reply #8 on: September 08, 2020, 05:37:19 PM »
Even if you are the queen of grey rock PD craziness is a relentless barrage that takes constant energy to defend ourselves and to recover from. If the next assault is coming before you can recover well it catches up to you in your body and overall well-being.
I totally agree. It is a relentless barrage. Your well being takes a hit. That is why sometimes grey rock is not sustainable as a tool to remain in frequent contact or sometimes not even VLC.

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Duck

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Re: Sh!@#$% my mother said to me over this past 2 weeks
« Reply #9 on: September 09, 2020, 02:55:12 AM »
I agree with others who point out that words can be toxic even when you are doing perfect medium chill or gray rock. It makes me think of a person absorbing radioactivity. Perhaps we should have personalized radiation tags like people have at nuclear workplaces calibrated to our individual tolerances for radiation. When the tag changes color, it is a reminder to take time out!  You took some rads for sure, frog.

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SparkStillLit

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Re: Sh!@#$% my mother said to me over this past 2 weeks
« Reply #10 on: September 09, 2020, 11:14:12 AM »
I love the tags idea. I'm afraid most of ours would be black, though!

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frogjumpsout

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Re: Sh!@#$% my mother said to me over this past 2 weeks
« Reply #11 on: September 11, 2020, 12:55:30 AM »
Thanks, everyone!!! It's been an overwhelming couple days (more messages after the ones I quoted above!) but I've been thinking about all the advice, watching the videos (even the grannon one that scared me! he's nicer and more self-deprecating than I'd thought!) and smiling at the thought of the rad-tags. Very glad to have this community here.