Same Stuff, Different Day

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BuzzyBee

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Same Stuff, Different Day
« on: September 09, 2020, 04:35:15 PM »
Hi Everyone, it's been a while... same stuff different day.. my NPDmom sucked me back into her web.. and it bit me again as usual.

It was my son's birthday on Tuesday, and we planned a small gathering at her house over the weekend (she offered) because she has a pool and more room outside so we can all "distance."

I knew in my heart I'd regret it but we honestly don't have our backyard set up yet and our house is small and out of sorts due to having a new baby and so many toddler/baby things in our house we need to purge.. I thought I was doing ourselves a favor but my mom and I of course, got into it the morning of the party. Although I tried to make it a non-issue, she went ahead and decorated about 70% of the party and she KNEW it upset me and all I said was mom you didn't have to decorate all this I could've helped (I bought all the decor) and she started over dramatically crying and storming around like I had said something horrible to her.. Then she said she was just trying to help me and she didn't realize she did anything wrong and she actually apologized which was strange, but she made it known she was pissed. I said I was sorry too, and I didnt want to fight it was my sons party lets just move on and forget it and have a good day. I had bought her breakfast over too, but she refused to eat after that and became distant and cold... I just tried to continue moving on it was too late to change anything my son and guests would be there in a few hours... She then "stopped" helping and said "I don't want to do anything without your permission" and was passive aggressive like that for a while.. i just bit my tongue and kept doing what needed to be done.  I'm sure she was talking about me to my aunt but im used to it.. i just ignored it.

I paid for all the food cake and drinks, she bought snacks, everyone showed up for the most part and had a great time. My son was happy.. that was the most important.

The party ended and no one else fought or said anything. I honestly thought *maybe* she forgot about it and we were on ok terms. I thanked her and we cleaned up, hugged goodbye and that was that.

She bought something for my son for his birthday online but said it wouldn't get there until Sunday and she would bring it by sometime. She also said we could come over sometime to swim over the long weekend. I thought my son would enjoy to see them the day before his birthday since we were all off and took him to go swim, which she said was OK.

My son loves my mom and step-dad btw, they are unfortunately the only grandparents that give him any attention.. and although they're not perfect, and can be quite cruel to me, they are always good to my son and he loves them so much I feel that it's mean to keep him from them. They have made their house very fun with a pool and all kinds of toys for their grandkids. My sons other relatives don't really give him the time of day which is their loss...

But anyways, we go back there and my mom and I were visiting while my son and the rest of the family were swimming. I thought we were totally fine just talking about any topic at hand. Then I mentioned that my stepsis told me she saw a text I sent to mom, and I had no idea she forwarded it. It was an embarrassing pic, funny but embarrassing of my 7 month old who had a really bad accident that I didn't expect to ever be shared (I was alone watching him and he had a horrible mess in his bouncer and was venting to my mom) well she shared it with stepsis, and she shared another embarassing pic with stepbroinlaw that my husband had built a temporary cover out of plywood for his grill,  well it was leaning and shoddy work and I was showing my mom how funny it looked in the yard and she shared it unknowingly.

I honestly was just venting to her I thought 1 on 1, no one else was in the texts..... well she shared everything with them. All I said was "oh stepsis said she saw the pics of DS2" and she immediately got defensive and said "well I didnt know I wasn't supposed to share it! You make me feel like s***!" And started crying..

I was just talking normal, not screaming, and didn't mean to set her off i was just mentioning it.. Then she said "she needs to know what she can share and not share..." and she didn't know she needed my permission..... The funny thing is I'm the one that feels like crap because of the crying and the defensiveness and I start apologizing...

Even though all I did was say the truth.. she shared a pic.. or that hey I'd like to decorate my own son's birthday party.. thats how it all goes.. well fast forward to DS1 birthday on Tuesday, and she never called. She said previously they were going to bring his gift over that day but never did.... So I know she is being passive aggressive and is still mad. That's not like her at all. But anyways they are going out of town this weekend thank goodness.

I tried to make my lil guys day the best I could and took off to be with him.  We had donuts for breakfast, went to 2 indoor play places since it was raining, got a cookie and lollipops, stickers, saw his fav cousin, opened the gifts i got him, and did whatever he wanted to do. I love him so much... i can't fathom being so cruel to him like my mother is to me.

She's never in my life took the day off to be with me for any reason, let alone spend a whole lot of time with me on my birthday. I'm so glad that I get to be the mother I never had to my son and love him with all of my heart.

I *knew* I shouldn't have trusted her with his party but with COVID and everything we just didn't want everyone to go out in public if they didn't want to, and its hard to have a group out anyways with all the rules.. Otherwise I probably would've gone that route..

I know now that pretty much all of my texts are being shared... which I figured maybe she shared things with her BFF sister or something but didn't expect my stepsis... So I just lose more faith and trust in her.. She is the only immediate family I have here... my dad and brother are out of state... and they don't really care about anyone but themselves either... never visit.. tell us they hate it here..

I just feel like I have no one besides my husband who I can trust..

My own family down here (moms side) they're either alcoholic, PD, or drama or stuck up.

I have a really hard time trusting anyone because my whole family dad bro mom and extended fam down here have all more than once turned on me my entire life and I was like the black sheep...

I was sexually abused as a child.. disowned practically by my mother when I was very young and my brother knew about the abuser and hid it even though I told him what happened and no one else... my whole family was against me so I never told another soul out of fear they wouldn't believe me.. I still live to this day knowing my abuser is free and my brother never believed me and no one else knows anything....

No wonder I dont trust a soul.

 Id lean on a friend but I have a hard time making friends. I used to have them when I was younger, but they were always a revolving door. I'd lose one then make one then they'd disappear without a reason and then luckily I'd make a new one or two and repeat the same thing again no matter how hard I tried to be a good friend.. Ever since marriage I have had such a hard time making friends... its quite sad. I try to hang on to whatever acquaintance I can, but I'm not fooling myself.. Usually lose those people too somehow.

Sorry for the rant this went from something trivial to some thing's that have been bothering me deep down.. Getting it all out feels like a relief... I try to act strong, and that this is all ok, but I do wish I had a circle outside of my crazy FOO i could have fun with and confide in.. Dont get me wrong I love the life I have my job, my husband, my children and wouldn't trade anything for them. I'm blessed beyond measure with them. It's just times like these i wish I had more people besides them...

At least I have this forum!


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freedom77

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Re: Same Stuff, Different Day
« Reply #1 on: September 09, 2020, 07:12:26 PM »
Hi BuzzyBee...
It sounds like your mother is doing a DARVO, which basically means, if you don't already know, taking on the role of the victim and making you the bad guy because you dared call out her untrustworthy behaviors. It's a form of gaslighting, very commonly used by PDs. My own BPD/N mother lives by it.

As a mom it is your right and entitlement to decorate for your own son's birthday party, regardless of whose house. And as adults we hold a reasonable expectation of privacy when we are conversing with others, whether it be verbal, text, etc...that's why ALL people get upset when they've found out something was shared that should not have been. You have every right to feel as you do, and you did not by any means owe your mother an apology. Yet you gave her one because she pulled a successful DARVO on you.

My mother is not the crying type. If I'd call her out on something, she would definitely DARVO, but she'd get mad, and hold a grudge forever, and usually seek revenge or exact some type of punishment, as your mother is doing by withholding your son's gift. That's the thing with PDs, they have no remorse really, or empathy to give consideration that not only were you right, and she was the one in the wrong, but it's totally okay by her to also punish a little boy for your daring to call her out on bad behavior.
 
You and I actually have a lot in common. I'm not close to my father's side at all...never even met one half-brother from him. The half-sister from him is a PD and we haven't spoke in years. Father, dead now, was a raging alcoholic then an AA 12-stepper. Trouble is, even after getting sober, he was so enamored with sobriety and the AA program that it became his life in a very unhealthy sort of way, like he was obsessed or something. He also picked and chose what steps he was going to complete, which is actually not the way of AA. As you can guess, he hopscotched right over steps 8 and 9.

I also suffered a lot of sexual abuse growing up, by multiple offenders, and my maternal half-brothers also knew about it, and chose to remain silent. Needless to say, we are not close.

I too have always been considered the black sheep by all. My BPD/N mother was far from a great mother to any of her children, but I was treated the worst. Like she just couldn't stand me. Resented me. I'm also the only female child, so maybe that had something to do with it. She'd try to compete with me when I was a teen.

As for friends, same. I'm naturally a bit introverted and somewhat of a loner at times. I definitely like my alone time. When I was young I did have a knit of friends, but they all scattered like seeds, one by one. Some moved, got married, what have you...just moved on. And I've had a revolving door of acquaintances too. Right now, I really don't have any friends. At work I get on well with my co-workers and superiors, a good rapport, and often we share insightful conversation and bitch to each other about our jobs, our lives. For now that has to suffice I guess. I have one neighbor who's been quite kind to me. She's agreed to take me to my upcoming surgery.

I have a 10 year DD who is my closest companion. I'm okay with it. I like my alone time, especially after all I've been thru in this life, and now in my mid-40s, with some emerging health problems and still have a young child to raise, I do sometimes long for a BFF, but I don't have one. I get lonesome, I understand how you feel. I have trust issues too. At least, like you said, you have a good husband and your beautiful sons, and an enjoyable job.

As for your mother, well now you know where you WON'T be having bday parties at anymore. And you also now know you can't text her anything you don't want the whole world to know. Kinda like the internet lol. Once you post it, can't get it back.

Just keep an eye out for PD abuse toward your kids, especially as they get older. I also thought it was good for my DD to have a grandma, especially since she has no paternal connections like your kids also. Well that was all well and good until DD got around 7 or 8, mother started treating DD just ever so slightly different, nothing alarming but perceptible. At 9, things really changed. She began demanding inappropriate attention from DD, telling DD "you didn't hug me tight enough, you must not love me as much anymore, you have to prove to grandma you love her" psychologically abusive stuff like that. Or scolding her for not smiling wide enough, or saying thank you cheerfully enough. Or allowing her privacy, since at 9, DD was starting to change with the onset of puberty. DD requested the door be shut when she bathed there, but mother wanted to keep treating her like a baby. And then I found out mother was bad mouthing, trash talking me to DD, and trying to slowly turn my DD against me. We are NC now.



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BuzzyBee

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Re: Same Stuff, Different Day
« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2020, 02:56:46 PM »
Hi BuzzyBee...
It sounds like your mother is doing a DARVO, which basically means, if you don't already know, taking on the role of the victim and making you the bad guy because you dared call out her untrustworthy behaviors. It's a form of gaslighting, very commonly used by PDs. My own BPD/N mother lives by it.

As a mom it is your right and entitlement to decorate for your own son's birthday party, regardless of whose house. And as adults we hold a reasonable expectation of privacy when we are conversing with others, whether it be verbal, text, etc...that's why ALL people get upset when they've found out something was shared that should not have been. You have every right to feel as you do, and you did not by any means owe your mother an apology. Yet you gave her one because she pulled a successful DARVO on you.

My mother is not the crying type. If I'd call her out on something, she would definitely DARVO, but she'd get mad, and hold a grudge forever, and usually seek revenge or exact some type of punishment, as your mother is doing by withholding your son's gift. That's the thing with PDs, they have no remorse really, or empathy to give consideration that not only were you right, and she was the one in the wrong, but it's totally okay by her to also punish a little boy for your daring to call her out on bad behavior.
 
You and I actually have a lot in common. I'm not close to my father's side at all...never even met one half-brother from him. The half-sister from him is a PD and we haven't spoke in years. Father, dead now, was a raging alcoholic then an AA 12-stepper. Trouble is, even after getting sober, he was so enamored with sobriety and the AA program that it became his life in a very unhealthy sort of way, like he was obsessed or something. He also picked and chose what steps he was going to complete, which is actually not the way of AA. As you can guess, he hopscotched right over steps 8 and 9.

I also suffered a lot of sexual abuse growing up, by multiple offenders, and my maternal half-brothers also knew about it, and chose to remain silent. Needless to say, we are not close.

I too have always been considered the black sheep by all. My BPD/N mother was far from a great mother to any of her children, but I was treated the worst. Like she just couldn't stand me. Resented me. I'm also the only female child, so maybe that had something to do with it. She'd try to compete with me when I was a teen.

As for friends, same. I'm naturally a bit introverted and somewhat of a loner at times. I definitely like my alone time. When I was young I did have a knit of friends, but they all scattered like seeds, one by one. Some moved, got married, what have you...just moved on. And I've had a revolving door of acquaintances too. Right now, I really don't have any friends. At work I get on well with my co-workers and superiors, a good rapport, and often we share insightful conversation and bitch to each other about our jobs, our lives. For now that has to suffice I guess. I have one neighbor who's been quite kind to me. She's agreed to take me to my upcoming surgery.

I have a 10 year DD who is my closest companion. I'm okay with it. I like my alone time, especially after all I've been thru in this life, and now in my mid-40s, with some emerging health problems and still have a young child to raise, I do sometimes long for a BFF, but I don't have one. I get lonesome, I understand how you feel. I have trust issues too. At least, like you said, you have a good husband and your beautiful sons, and an enjoyable job.

As for your mother, well now you know where you WON'T be having bday parties at anymore. And you also now know you can't text her anything you don't want the whole world to know. Kinda like the internet lol. Once you post it, can't get it back.

Just keep an eye out for PD abuse toward your kids, especially as they get older. I also thought it was good for my DD to have a grandma, especially since she has no paternal connections like your kids also. Well that was all well and good until DD got around 7 or 8, mother started treating DD just ever so slightly different, nothing alarming but perceptible. At 9, things really changed. She began demanding inappropriate attention from DD, telling DD "you didn't hug me tight enough, you must not love me as much anymore, you have to prove to grandma you love her" psychologically abusive stuff like that. Or scolding her for not smiling wide enough, or saying thank you cheerfully enough. Or allowing her privacy, since at 9, DD was starting to change with the onset of puberty. DD requested the door be shut when she bathed there, but mother wanted to keep treating her like a baby. And then I found out mother was bad mouthing, trash talking me to DD, and trying to slowly turn my DD against me. We are NC now.

Hi Freedom,

Thanks so much for your post. I'm so sorry you suffered so much abuse in your childhood... I completely understand and relate to your story as well.

My mother loathed me, and loved my brother, he is the golden child. I still get to hear how bad I was as a child and adolescent, from everyone in the family. However most of them have no idea i was "bad" (acting out) because of my abuse and had no trustworthy adult to confide in because I was the black sheep... The person who abused me also threw my reputation to the wolves and they took the bait.

I often wonder if I have trouble making close girl friends because my own mother was so neglectful... I was in therapy at one time, and probably will go back to work on my leftover issues about my FOO.

Right now I only have my mother's family around, and they're all overbearing... I wish I could just get away from them for a while. I always forgive them and get sucked back in, totally forgetting how toxic they are. Its like getting bitten over and over again. Everytime I try to get away the FOG gets me. Hopefully when i go back to therapy, I can work on this also..

I won't tolerate her treating my son bad... luckily he is too young to understand much of her cruelties, and they're really aimed at me not him if she does have an issue, I can see through her. I don't leave him alone with her.. i don't trust her and there's always some kind of attitude from her towards me if I do... So i stopped giving her that satisfaction.

If you ever need to talk, PM me! I understand how hard it is and it sounds like we have alot in common! Thanks again!! Take care.




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Hepatica

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Re: Same Stuff, Different Day
« Reply #3 on: September 10, 2020, 03:27:31 PM »
BuzzyBee, I read all of your post and my heart goes out to you. There is so much there to unpack. I can look backwards at my life in retrospect and see so many similar scenarios to what you describe, but I was a young mom and just trying to get by and I honestly didn't understand all of the signs that things were really unhealthy.

First: The fact that you expressed a wish to decorate yourself and it was responded to so badly. In a normal, healthy family, a parent would have just brushed that off and said, 'go to it daughter' and go back in and start chopping the veggie platter. Why can you not state your needs? She is challenging your right to express yourself and playing the pity game.

Second: She shares private messages between you. What!!! She's a grown woman and should know better!  Why is she using your private family information for supply for herself? Does she not have a life? Does she not respect you? Is it all about her?

Third: Having been picked on before and put in the scapegoat role for speaking out. Toxic city. I have been in and out of the scapegoat role for various reasons. Someone always is in my FOO and extended FOO. As I've gotten older I really don't give a flying flamingo. They are all so starved for drama. I see them as pathetic now.

Fourth: I'm so so so sorry you were sexually abused as a child. I am so sorry you were then not given the support you needed to recover. I hope that you can find a therapist, who is trained in PD's, to explore this and get the right response - which is - believing you and helping you heal. You can heal. You can!! I promise you. But I'd revisit that because you could be mentally limping and not even know it.

I know it's also hard to feel if you shut people out you'll feel really alone. It's down to pretty much me and my husband now. I am building a new group of FOC but this is slow and I have trust issues big time too. But I took some self-compassion workshops and mindfulness meditation courses and I am finding it easier and easier to transform the previous self-abusive thoughts toward myself into very compassionate thoughts toward myself, like I am my own Good Mother finally. I switch to the positive much more easily now and catch the negative FOO voices in my head. If you have your hubby and yourself, you are starting in a good place. Start with working on being very kind to yourself in your head, and life. Start there. See what happens. I believe it can only be good. Slowly remove toxic people. It really is like swimming in invisible toxins. Toxic people really take a toll on us over time and unfortunately some of us have a whole family system of toxicity. I do. It's not easy but being away from them is much more peaceful.

I know it's a nice hope to have your kids have a relationship with their grandparents, but if your Mom is luring you over there with her pool and objects but shadowing everything with her inability to self-regulate and self-sooth herself, it might be time to allow the consideration of what kind of contact you're willing to have. How did you feel that day? Wouldn't it be better to have the entire day be as harmonious as possible? Is the relationship with her worth what you pay out in terms of how horrible you feel during and afterward?

I've been thinking a lot about abuse amnesia bc I too would go back to my FOO thinking that it wasn't that bad. But I began to print out some interactions and keep a journal so I wouldn't forget. I read it when I'm feeling way to naive about them. This really helps.

« Last Edit: September 10, 2020, 03:38:36 PM by Hepatica »
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