Advice needed please.

Started by Bella, September 09, 2020, 05:48:01 PM

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Bella

So like everyone here, I am trying to move on with my life.
But I have been talking a lot more this week with the Nmother because of admin stuffs,
Today's conversation ended in a fight with me getting angry while I started the conversation with telling her I did not want to get angry.
The thing is she asks for you to tell her what's going then get angry before you even finish the first sentence, then if you tell her about that, she says things like "I am always wrong with you".
Every conversation I have goes like this and sadly due to practical things I can't yet go no contact.
I have also noticed that if I say I am tired and need to go to bed she finds way to keep me on the phone for an hour or if I tell her I do not want to talk about something it always end up being the subject.
I know it does not matter is she does it intentionally or not, but I have been a bit difficult too this year, nothing near what she puts me through but I have refused to even attempt to understand her point of view.

Now she is saying I never put myself in her place and I am wondering if I should, and if I should be less untracktable and ruthless.

Anyway the narc migraine is starting so I will try to sleep earlier.

What do you guys think I should do ?
Is it a genuine cry for help or jus more enmeshing ?
Thank you.

Andeza

Sounds like enmeshing. Anytime you put up a boundary, pwPDs will attack it. They feed off of us, emotionally, and cutting off that food source is like taking cocaine away from an addict. It isn't pretty. In fact, it gets quite ugly. I've seen Woman Interrupted appropriately compare it to a vending machine. We are the vending machine, and when we stop giving them what they want, they start kicking to get it.

My best advice, is tell her nothing. "How are you?" "Doing just fine." "What's going on?" "Oh the usual, work/life." Volunteer nothing. In other words, put your mom on an information diet. Now I wouldn't advise saying "I don't want to talk about that" or "I won't talk about this" rather just don't. Change the subject if she brings it up. Talk about the weather, sports, a movie. Anything surface and boring and non-confrontational.

Boundaries work best when they are lived rather than stated. Don't tell her, just do it. :bigwink:

And don't feel bad. You're doing the best you can in the current situation. If you desire to achieve no contact, then list those practical things you mentioned and start tying them up or cutting them off. Whichever is appropriate.
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

Blueberry Pancakes

I also agree it sounds like enmeshment. You say "The thing is she asks for you to tell her what's going then gets angry before you even finish the first sentence, then if you tell her about that, she says things like "I am always wrong with you". 

Those words to me seem to be spoken from those who do not want to listen, do not want to understand, and are instead looking only to point out how you are wrong. It is difficult to have a two-way conversation and reach mutual understanding. The parent is in effect suggesting it is not them, it is you. It seems like projection. I also wonder if she is tugging on your ability to feel empathy for her by saying she is always wrong with you so then perhaps you reply by telling her good things about her instead of staying on your original course? (My mom does that.) Telling you to put yourself in her place would also be part of such behavior. Do what feels right in your heart, but I think it is alright to stay on your current course.
     
I believe we do not owe it to our parent to sacrifice our well being for their happiness. Mostly because we are all responsible for our own happiness and it truly does not depend on others, not even our kids. Also any happiness such a parent may feel from whatever you do or say will likely not sustain them for very long. 

Bella

Thank you for your answers.
It's funny it took the last episode for it to truly sink in that she does not have a trustworthy or good bone in her body. She Luke never had good intentions and the main reason why it's piling up on me now is because the half sister moved away.  >:(
I think until now I kept out some hope.

athene1399

It is very difficult to wrestle with the idea that our parents aren't trustworthy. Our society has this view that we should be able to rely on our parents, or share things with them, especially as we get older. Unfortunately that is not always possible. I know I wish I could have a better relationship with my parents, but I had to come to terms with it can't be more than superficial.

And you can understand someone's point of view without accepting the way they act. Like if your mom is upset about something that doesn't mean she can take it out on you. So if she's saying "understand my point of view" while being mean to you, then that's still no excuse. Like we can't choose what happens to us, and we can't choose our feelings, but we can choose our reactions. I want to point this out because often PDs feel that their feelings or their excuses ("x just happened to me so I am stressed and miserable") validate why they are acting the way they are ("therefore I am allowed to fly off the handle at you)". 

And I second this
QuoteI believe we do not owe it to our parent to sacrifice our well being for their happiness.