Having a hard time with grey rock and Mom's messages

[Lisa]

Hi All,

Thought I would post here because I find it really helps me to respond logically to my Mom instead of reactively based on my emotions!

Here's what's been going on...

I have had extremely limited contact with my Mom since about May, not really sure why, she hasn't called once and I have been trying to appreciate the quiet and as such have not called her.  There have been a few random text messages from her.. of her meal or a new purchase  I send a basic response like looks nice and she says nothing else.

This past week I made a really big decision in my life and sent this decision via text explaining how excited I was.  The response I received went a little like this...
I'm obviously out of the loop
I had no idea this was happening
You should have told me ahead of time
You need to pick a date for us to get together and let me know

I respond grey rock and get

good luck with every thing and nothing else said. 

Two days later (today) I sent another message as an update on my new exciting decision and some really big unfortunate things that I have been struggling with, basically this week although exciting has also come with sadness, scary things and a lot of stress!

Her response was something like:
I am asking you to pick a date for a visit, we need to talk and it's been ignored long enough.  give me an answer. love mom (and then maybe 20 xoxoxo's) 

[MamaDryad]

This dynamic is really familiar to me from before I went NC with my mom. In my case, even though I knew I should be grey rocking her, I would find myself telling her my troubles. When I sat down to try and figure out why I kept doing it, I came up with three reasons: 1) it seemed like knowing I was suffering appeased her in some way, that making vaguely soothing noises about it made her feel like we were close, 2) complaints are her first language, so it was the only time it felt like we were communicating, and 3) a tiny little irrational hope that surely, if she knew I was suffering, she would suddenly turn into the loving mother I needed her to be.

My mother cares a lot more about being able to tick the boxes on the imaginary Normal Person Inventory that say "on speaking terms with adult daughter" and "has recent photos of grandchild to show to neighbors" than about building any kind of relationship with me or my son. Your mom sounds kind of similar, from what you've shared here.

It might be helpful to examine what goes through your mind right before, and right after, you tell her something personal. It might help you figure out your own reasons.

[nanotech]

Familiar to me too, except that I never took the step Out of the FOG until after mum died. So it was never resolved.
I'm now distant from the rest of them, the PDsiblings and my dad, who is NPD ( undiag).
I used to pour my heart out to mum about my problems. Complaints were her first language too. And I too felt soothed by her soothing. But I think it was the drama she enjoyed. She also often gave me a lot of very bad advice about how to handle things at work, which I took on and actioned!
It was an awful mistake to do that and it did my career no favours at all. She knew zero about my job and hadn't worked since she got married, but I thought she was the oracle on what to do. She thought she was too, of course.
I cringe now when I think of some of the phone calls. I just wonder why I had that need. It seems now like it was some sort of an addiction. At that time it felt very natural and normal! 
I agree with mama  dryad about looking inward at what you are looking for from your mum.
It's hard not to spill to them when we've done this for years.
Well done on becoming aware while you have time to do something about it. 

[Lisa]

Great question!  Some good reflecting for me.

My initial reason was that my news is I am moving to a different country and I wanted her to know, that is important to me.

My second message a few days later was to share more about some things happening, I think I was worried how we ended the previous conversation with her "well.... good luck with everything" felt like she was saying goodbye so I was tying to reconnect AND I was hoping for her to respond with a typical mothering, supportive and caring response.

My biggest worry really is that she is gearing up for an argument.  Her messages of  we need to talk, it's been ignored for too long, you're keeping secrets from me and growing distant, set a date etc.  Makes me think she wants to have a blow out before I leave.  She is demanding I pick a date and let her know when this can happen before I move.