is this hoovering?

[desertpine]

I've recently gone NC with my sister and low contact with my parents. My dad, who rarely reaches out to me, has emailed me a few times over the past few weeks - to let me know there were 'issues' in the family, try to have 'discussions' about 'misunderstandings' in the family, and to clarify the specifics of low-contact.
Today I got another one - some kind of 'status update' about what is happening regarding covid in their area and asking me to send him similar updates from time to time. And he said my mom wouldn't be talking to me again for a while.
Feels like hoovering and it's confusing -
He usually has very limited contact with me - he's a loner and doesn't talk on the phone, text, use social media, write. Everything goes through my mom - its been that way for decades - and there is always an 'excuse' like his bad hearing or he's too busy doing data entry for the family's financial statements (he's got some serious OCD). 
Now that my mom isn't his source of info from me, he is reaching out - like he's afraid to lose me? And he is expressing an interest in my life when I rarely hear from him otherwise?
I wish I could have a relationship with him but he too is part of the trauma I'm trying to recover from, so it's taking some restraint not to respond to his message. its so sad...

[bloomie]

desertpine - that is really sad that you are at a place where you feel you just cannot engage with your dad. In my own parent's dysfunctional dance my dad would reach out when my mother wasn't speaking to me for some perceived wrongdoing on my part as well. It is really confusing and painful because I knew my father wasn't capable of having an independent relationship with anyone my mother was displeased with.

In my own case with my dad, I don't believe it was hoovering, but I still didn't feel safe to engage fully.

[desertpine]

Thanks Bloomie - yeah it's sad. And confusing. I feel guilty because part of me wants to apologize to him that this is happening and reassure him that I'll keep in touch. And to explain things or help him to understand what is happening. But then I consider the context - that although I feel sad cuz I think he is afraid he'll never hear from me again - it isn't really my responsibility to reassure him, especially considering that he is one of those 'flying monkeys' . He says he will work on being better at keeping in touch with me, but the reality is that he hasn't before and I don't believe he will be now.  I think that's why it feels like hoovering. It feels like desperation - as he realizes I can walk away and that he has been largely absent from my life.

[bloomie]

He says he will work on being better at keeping in touch with me, but the reality is that he hasn't before and I don't believe he will be now.  I think that's why it feels like hoovering. It feels like desperation - as he realizes I can walk away and that he has been largely absent from my life.

You know... recently a once beloved family member told me they would 'work on' staying in touch as well and they would 'do better'. If it is something our parent has to work at.. this staying in contact and continuing to have a relationship with us despite the disgard of our other parent, then I don't know if that is something worthy of what I have to offer in relationship and all of the emotional angst.

I think we are worthy of our fathers pursuing a relationship with us in an engaged, thoughtful, and considerate way even if it causes discomfort with other family members.

It can get so upside down for us as we expereince this unwarranted ostracizing for so long, but if anyone should be tender and reassuring us when we have been disgarded by our mothers and other family members I would think it would be, of all people, our fathers. Right?

[nanotech]

The most blatant hoovering I've experienced is when my UNPDdad suddenly decided he wanted to come live with me.
As someone who has been excommunicated from the family at least three times, I found myself wondering, when the time came around again to shun nano, how my dad would go about trying to throw me out of my own house!
You couldn't make this stuff up.
I also remember when UNPDbrother was being his typical PD self and shunning me.
(massive long story involving a toxic wedding) Yet, I somehow get a call from UNBPD mum
telling  me I MUST ring him and make sure he chooses ME as  future Guardian of his child, should anything happen to him and his wife! 
Hmmm mum! I'm not sure he's going to go for that! 
'Well, if you don't act she will go to to DIL's family.That's not a good thing.  Don't you care about that?'
You REALLY couldn't make this craziness up.