Does it get easier to send them?

[Bunnyme]

I'm separated and headed for divorce.  uNBPDh went to rehab after doing some dangerous things around  the kids (I had no idea he was using).  Since he has been out, one lie after another.  He has supervised visitation 2x a week at my in laws and no overnights. We are about to go to mediation (I know...  ) and I have this huge fear that he will get more time.  If not now, at some point.  It should be what I want.  I get so angry that he cancels visitation all the time and doesnt want to step up.  It is a double edged sword, though, because if he does step up, it means me losing more time with them.  Holidays.  It is the thing that makes me the most sad.  I already feel that with work and school I hardly get to hang out with them.  I already miss one weekend day.  How do you deal with the time away?  Does it get easier?  Mine are 2 and 5, and I get anxiety just thinking about being away from them.  Part of that is because I feel awful that I didnt do more to protect them, like not leave them alone with him.  Like a trauma reaction.   I also feel like it is wholly unfair that he is the cause of me losing the house, and losing time with the kids.  I know he is losing more than I am.  I know they love their dad.  I wont stand in the way.  I am working with a great therapist on this, but I'm having a down day and just cant fathom how this will get easier.

[mamato3]

In my experience, no, it doesn't get easier. It is unlikely he would get more time while he's canceling a lot of visits, though.

[Penny Lane]

 

I'm sorry. I don't think it is ever easy to send your kids to someone who you suspect or know is dangerous for them.

I do think in some ways it can get easier, though not easy.

I think there are two categories of ways that it's hard. One is what most divorced parents deal with: You are used to seeing your kids all the time, and it's sad that you have to miss out on some amount of time with them. The other is PD specific: It is scary to let your kids spend time with someone who's erratic and like I said potentially or definitely dangerous.

On the first category: I think you can do something about this now, and I think it will be easier with time.

One thing that helps is to take the attitude that since you have less time with the kids you will be more present when you are with them, and you will use the time they're with their dad to recharge and do stuff you need to do. Spend quality time with the kids and really enjoy it. Give yourself permission to get takeout rather than cook dinner so you can spend half an hour playing a board game with them. Make new routines in your new house together. Focus all your kid energy into the time you have with them. Then, when they're not with you, you can do all the adult stuff that you can't do when they're around. Take care of yourself, do a bath or spa day, take care of bills and errands and whatnot so you don't need to during your time with them. All parents need a break. Now you have a built in break, if you can get yourself in the headspace to take advantage of it.

On the holidays: I know this is something my husband really struggled with. What helped him was making new routines. We don't get the kids for Christmas and it's very easy to feel like we are missing out. But we have a really nice post-Christmas/New Years celebration that has our own spin on it. We don't make a big deal of Easter but we do have an Easter egg scavenger hunt every year. It doesn't have to be ON Easter but we do it around that time every year, and the kids really look forward to the surprise of waking up and finding the first clues on the table.

The second category is of course much harder. I do think there are some things you can do to make it slightly easier, but these are long term things and they won't solve the problem altogether. First, focus on making the kids resilient. As they get older teach them what to do if their dad is being erratic. Teach them to use a phone and call 911 much earlier than they would've otherwise. Hopefully he'll have supervised visitation for awhile, but at some point they'll be old enough to know to call you to come get them if they're in an unsafe environment. Your mind will be at ease if you know they can handle situations they will be in (even if they are situations that no kid SHOULD have to handle).

I'm sorry. The situation might not get better, but I do think you will get healthier and better at handling it. I'm sorry that you have to deal with it, but you are strong and you can do it!