coping

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desertpine

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coping
« on: September 10, 2020, 08:30:13 PM »
I made a sign and put it next to my computer - I wrote that "it's not up to me and now is not the time". That is helping me to resist getting into old co-dependency habits of apologizing for things that aren't my fault, trying to explain or defend my decision to go NC, provide reassurance that I still love my family, etc.
Anyone else put up notes to remind yourself not to engage with the PD parents?

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: coping
« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2020, 09:29:44 PM »
Not exactly, but I am in fact designing an embroidery pattern that says, “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”

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nanotech

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Re: coping
« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2020, 07:59:15 PM »
Notes and reminders are a wonderful help. Such a good idea to have those by your computer.
I’m VVLC  with UNPDdad. When I first started putting boundaries up, I had to start by deconstructing the enmeshed conversations we had, particularly those over the phone.

Before I rang, I had them written down and in front of me- things like
I am an adult
‘No’is a complete answer
‘I don’t know‘ is a complete answer
‘I have plans‘, is a complete answer.
Remember not to JADE.

This helped me begin to loosen the grip.
Over the last ten years I felt I had really asserted myself, had  self- differentiated. Yet....
 :unsure:
Recently, I left my dad a voicemail, and it was one of those that you could play back to yourself,  and see if you wanted to change it or keep it before you left it as a voice message.
I played it back.
 My goodness. I sounded about 12 years old. It shocked me! My voice had gone up so high, and I was very fawning in my tone with a peculiar child-like ‘lilt‘ going on!
Im 61. :blink:
I’m articulate, educated, a parent, a grandparent.
Here I was sounding like I was asking for my bedtime milk and cookies.  :stars:
 Here I was POST FOG, and yet I was still doing THIS!  :yeahthat:
without even realising it!
 :doh: :doh: :aaauuugh: :sadno:
I soon wiped that, and grew some balls for the second message!
This stuff is so ingrained in us!

We need  Notes 📝 Posters, Banners even!
Tattoo anyone?  :tongue2: :blush:

« Last Edit: September 11, 2020, 08:11:04 PM by nanotech »

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SparkStillLit

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Re: coping
« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2020, 10:00:37 AM »

My nmum leaves these open sentences, like here's an example: nephew was staying at her house, I did not ask why or for how long. He left the other day and she said to me "He's started on his journey!" And I blew RIGHT BY that nonsense "Oh ok, did you have some eggs I could grab when I pick up the veg?"
But I have to have running in the bottom of my brain "not my goats, not my rodeo" because she drops little zingers like that the whole conversation, or tries to catch you out by pissing you off, or makes zingers about your own family and you have to keeeeeep blowing by. Don't touch the goats, let them run around!