fake apology: "I'm sorry you're such a failure in life"

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nanotech

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Re: fake apology: "I'm sorry you're such a failure in life"
« Reply #40 on: September 10, 2020, 11:50:26 AM »
My favorite fake apology was from my uNPD sister after I told her how hurt I felt that she stonewalled for months and I had no idea why she was upset. Her apology was something like she understand that I felt hurt and if it hurt anything like it hurt her when I didn't go to church with her years ago when I was visiting from out of town, then it really must be painful. And for causing me that much pain, she was sorry but since I had offended her 6 months earlier when I told her I felt scared when she raged, she decided she didn't want anything to do with me ever again. 

I was like - wow--- that is the worst apology I've ever heard.  :stars:

Thatís not an apology desert pine. It reminds me of my lot. They  ĎexplainĎ their bad treatment by ĎremindingĎ me of some perceived slight I was supposed to have done to them months or years before.
I didnít even have a  clue Iíd upset them as they hadnít said at the time. One was a birthday meal that Iíd had impossibly late notice of (Iíd asked for months about this birthday and kept getting told Ď he hasnít decided yet.í
Then I got a garbled voicemail at 10.30 at night, about a meal (30 miles away) that was happening the following evening ( not his birthday). It was a midweek meal and I worked long hours then. Early mornings and and staying late. We would have to pay for ourselves- fine but we were not well off that month.  You might know how that goes.
 If I knew I had an event coming up I would save in advance. Iíd posted his gift in advance as I wasnít hearing about a get-together.
So.... we ended up not going. We believed them when they said it was just an informal meal- short notice so it was up to us.
What narcissists say thry mean, and what they actually mean, are eek different things entirely.
 UNPD sister was absolutely fine at the time,  but then abruptly and with obvious pleasure,  she snubbed my childís 21st party the following year (four months notice for ours and yes, free food!). She cited this apparently offence of ours as the reason.  No one from her side
came. We had an amazing party.  :cool2:

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Adrianna

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Re: fake apology: "I'm sorry you're such a failure in life"
« Reply #41 on: September 10, 2020, 08:57:53 PM »
Fake apologies are familiar, often mixed with guilt trips.

Actual Phone conversation:

ďNana, youíre not being nice to me. Iíd like you to stop being so mean.Ē

ďOh really Adrianna? You think Iím not nice? Ok, well how about this! You can feel however you like, and if I like, Iíll just swallow a bottle of pills.Ē

Click

Itís all about them.
Practice an attitude of gratitude.

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frogjumpsout

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Re: fake apology: "I'm sorry you're such a failure in life"
« Reply #42 on: September 11, 2020, 02:56:45 AM »
Thank you, BuzzyBee! I'm going to copy one of your sentences to reread if I start believing I'm a failure again. Desertpine, what a convoluted and frustrating conversation, and so full of self-pity from your sister's side!

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nanotech

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Re: fake apology: "I'm sorry you're such a failure in life"
« Reply #43 on: September 11, 2020, 08:44:58 PM »
Fake apologies are familiar, often mixed with guilt trips.

Actual Phone conversation:

ďNana, youíre not being nice to me. Iíd like you to stop being so mean.Ē

ďOh really Adrianna? You think Iím not nice? Ok, well how about this! You can feel however you like, and if I like, Iíll just swallow a bottle of pills.Ē

Click

Itís all about them.
My goodness.mAdrianna? And this is your grandmother? Itís appalling behaviour.

My UNBPD mother used to put the phone down if the conversation wasnít going her way too. She wasnít a suicide threatener, but UNPDSister was. Sister would
also put the phone down if the gaslighting/ baiting/ devaluing  wasnít having the desired effect on me. So would UNPDBrother. Heís a raging 😤 keyboard warrior who is a limp rag🥴 in person.
Everything is a sneak. Passive aggressive is his middle name! He triangulates through dad, who is scared of upsetting him.

My whole family dislike that I met someone
who loves me for me, and doesnít play mind games. So I get scapegoated. My marriage isnít perfect, you know, but itís authentic. Thereís unconditional love there - in buckets. They canít forgive me for that.

I think itís a sort of jealousy that weíve made it into real life and they havenít. Itís unconscious maybe, but if frustrates them that we are not troubled like them. They need us to need them. They need us to go along with the family ĎtraditionsĎ of shaming, guilting, name-calling, mocking, discarding. (us).
We are just NO fun anymore!
So when we call them out,they are astounded.
« Last Edit: September 11, 2020, 08:55:46 PM by nanotech »

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Adrianna

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Re: fake apology: "I'm sorry you're such a failure in life"
« Reply #44 on: September 12, 2020, 12:05:42 AM »
Thanks nano, and yes that was a conversation I had with my grandmother a few years ago. Appalling is right. Itís right up there with the day she yelled at me that if I came to the house and found her dead on the floor, then I know whose fault that would be. (In her opinion, mine obviously. Why you ask? Because I had asked her to stop threatening suicide.)

I should have reported it the first time but I let it go on for years until last year when she started to go off the rails with her behavior and I feared she might actually accidentally kill herself as an attention and pity ploy. Thatís when I decided enough was enough and asked them to bring her to the hospital. She did not know why she was there and when I told her ďwell, you told the Meals on Wheels driver you wanted to kill yourself Monday since it was a holiday and he couldnít bring you a meal. He reported it and they took you to the hospitalĒ the look on her face was absolute shock. I of course had told them when they called me, yes, bring her in. She was released that night against my wishes but the following Tuesday talked to the physical therapist about having swallowed some pills the night before (therapist reported it) so thatís what got the ball rolling to have her finally evaluated. She of course denied it and we donít know if she took any pills but it finally landed her a 3 day hold in the geriatric psych unit where she got diagnosed with dementia with behavior issues.

Sheís in a nursing home, has one friend (her roommate who I assume she bosses around) and is miserable and complaining as always. I expect her to be unhappy until she draws her last breath.

Itís hard when someone already has a pd then Dementia sets in. You donít know whatís the pd and whatís the dementia, but it surely was out of control. Before she went into the nursing home I was going to unplug the phone to avoid being harassed.  All her usual behaviors were amplified. It was torture to interact with her. Absolutely awful.

Iím sure itís no fun in her head though.  Thatís not a free pass for all the emotional abuse and manipulation sheís dished out but being physically apart from her makes it easier to see what a sad way to live. No appreciation, thinking everyone on the planet lives to serve you, not being able to really care or love another person because you canít see outside yourself. Sad all around for the person with the pd and sad for those family and friends who have to deal with the traumatic trail of destruction they leave behind.  Many of us are middle aged and we are only now, after all these years, healing from the experience.  The amount of therapy, research and soul searching involved in healing from narcissistic abuse is something no one who hadnít experienced it could ever understand.
« Last Edit: September 12, 2020, 12:15:06 AM by Adrianna »
Practice an attitude of gratitude.

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nanotech

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Re: fake apology: "I'm sorry you're such a failure in life"
« Reply #45 on: September 12, 2020, 01:42:56 PM »
Adrianna youíve been though so much.
Well done and well handled.

 I had the suicide threats off UNPDsis for years too.I donít think it was as bad though. Grandmothers really should know better.
 It was always left to me ( by other family) to do something about the histrionics of my sister. I also had to be her marriage counsellor for years. I spent a a long time thinking it was my  responsibility to save it for her!

Their pathology has nothing to do with us.

Mum often used me as a flying monkey to interfere in or respond to other siblingsí lives, to Ďfixí something she didnít like.
I did her bidding because I sought her approval.
Iíd end up xx with my fingers burnt and shamed. 
I was still in the fog then, but even then I knew it wasnít okay.
« Last Edit: September 12, 2020, 01:46:03 PM by nanotech »

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Adrianna

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Re: fake apology: "I'm sorry you're such a failure in life"
« Reply #46 on: September 12, 2020, 03:55:49 PM »
Nano we were raised to be fixers, and I still struggle with it now. I feel like everyoneís happiness is my responsibility but itís not. Itís so hard to break that way of relating to others.

This of course is because the pd narcissist canít accept responsibility and has to blame everyone else for their unhappiness. The closest people to this person end up people pleasers.

Itís dysfunctional but seemed normal to me.
Practice an attitude of gratitude.

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nanotech

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Re: fake apology: "I'm sorry you're such a failure in life"
« Reply #47 on: September 12, 2020, 08:18:20 PM »
Nano we were raised to be fixers, and I still struggle with it now. I feel like everyoneís happiness is my responsibility but itís not. Itís so hard to break that way of relating to others.

This of course is because the pd narcissist canít accept responsibility and has to blame everyone else for their unhappiness. The closest people to this person end up people pleasers.

Itís dysfunctional but seemed normal to me.
Yes so true Adrianna .
My FOO donít know what the heckís happened, Iíve got them all blocked on social media ( includes flying monkeys and FMs), They though the blocking was a hissy fit and that I would come around, but itís three years now.
Itís great. I love being away from them. No more of their baiting and ghosting. No more of their anything.
My PD sibs and dad think I should feel responsible for their wellbeing. This responsibility also means that I shouldnít have a life myself.
Iím now living my life, NC ( sibs) and VVLC
(dad) and they have no clue why or how Iíve changed.
Iíve seen them since Iíve blocked them( extended family funeral). I just gray rocked with them. It worked fine. They canít seem to discuss  things like that face to face, yet they were ruthless keyboard warriors. Take care everyone xxxxx
« Last Edit: September 12, 2020, 08:22:28 PM by nanotech »