I’m physically & emotionally drained from an event that hasn’t even happened yet

[Seven]

It's uNPDm 90th bday next weekend.  Of course all sibs and ILs, grandkids, etc will be there (minus 1 sib/SIL).  I secured the venue with a phone call and supplied a photo of uNPDm for Sis2 to make party favors with (which came out really cool BTW) about 5 minutes after she asked me for one. 

I feel like this whole thing is going to go over like a lead balloon. The idea was to bring a professionally made cake.  Then the thought was "make a cheesecake" (uNPDm is known for her outstanding cheesecakes).  Then the thought was do both.  I nixed the cheesecake idea.  Here's why:  uNPDm can't make them anymore due to her not having a stove in her ILF apartment (and her mental capacity, etc). That leaves me or Bro5.  Well Bro5 is still getting over whatever non-Covid with Covid symptoms he has plus...hey, brain tumor!  So that leaves me.  Me doing it will lead to one of two things: criticism that it's not like hers, or jealousy because it's better than hers, or in her reality, both (ie, she'd say it's dry when it's really not and then go home and be jealous that it's better than hers). Neither way turns out well for me.  So Sis1 will be bringing a cake from states away from a real Italian bakery (shit for bakeries around here).

I can see her criticizing the party favors that Sis2 is having made (Sis2 is the highest SG, even though uNPDm treats all us daughters horribly).  Sis2 (who is in her 60s) told me before all she wants is moms approval, and I told her none of us will ever get it so stop trying.  This is another way that this whole party will go sideways.   Sis2s ideas are very creative.  I wish I could be as creative as her,  I'm just not.  Her personalized party favor is an awesome idea, she's already had them made up and showed me pics.  And I can see uNPDm doing the same thing as she would with the cheesecake thing, blowing both Sis2 and me out of the water.  Her, because it was her idea, and me for supplying the photo.  And even if mom did praise the effort, I still think she'd go behind backs and talk nasty about it.  It's hard to take someone at face value who has been two-faced their entire life.

All the while she is financially supporting Bro5 even moreso than before.

So that's where I am.  A week away from the event and I'm wiped out.

[SunnyMeadow]

I think you're spot on thinking this is going to go over like a lead balloon unfortunately. These PD people can't see how much thought, caring and time are put into events honoring... them!

This reminds me of an anniversary party given for my parents. A few people put in a lot of work to get the venue and food ready, invite all the right people etc. My uNPD mother arrived and had a pinched look on her face plus she used that "I'm not having fun" smile the entire time. Later she let it slip that the venue wasn't up to her standards. Imagine that! I found out she talked behind the backs of the main people who set this up and spent considerable money too.

This was the ABSOLUTE LAST TIME she ever had a gathering/party in her honor because she's a

[nanotech]

If I were you I would do as little as possible and don't get caught up in sister's anxiety around approval.
There's always something, at LEAST one thing, they won't like.
I'm dreading my dad's 90th in a couple of years. I'm actually dreading it.
His 80th was horrific.
Is there a way you could leave early? XxxX

[WomanInterrupted]

Leave early?  Hell, I wouldn't even go!

Please look at it this way:  anything you do is WRONG.   

So you might as well be wrong at home, surrounded by loved ones, or binge-watching something cool on Netflix with your DH and a glass of wine, and your phones OFF.   

SUDDENLY!     I'd have to self-quarantine for 14-days because of exposure to Covid, whether it's the truth or not.

Any gifts or cards can be mailed *after* your 14-day quarantine because they won't be right, you know it, your mom will already be buzzing like a hornet's nest - or you can send *nothing * and let her stew about that. 

When all your choices are going to be WRONG, you have to make the ones you're most comfortable with - and mine would be doing absolutely but ignoring this farce and letting the rest of your  FOO figure out which one gets to be The Scapegoat in your stead.  They won't like it, but too bad!   

Nanotech - he's going to be 90?  Great - somebody else can take care of all the details while you conveniently go on vacation that week! 

I will not walk into a situation where it sets me up to be abused by others.  You want to abuse me?  You're going to have to try a little harder than that - but first you have to *find* me. 

[treesgrowslowly]

I get that emotional draining feeling.

If only we could cure PD with cake. If only serving the "right" cake would make a PD parent happy and appreciative and kind.

I've been there. Years ago.

It is painful to be someone who can put creativity and love into a birthday party, but because the party is attended by or for a PD, all that love and creativity is never appreciated by the PD.

I won't attend PD birthday parties anymore. Nope. That isn't something i can do anymore. I did it for a long time. It was always awful for me.

Use the forum here to keep posting about this. We get it. Birthdays and PDs have a long dramatic history together. Its right up there with planning a wedding around a PD family member. Painful and emotionally exhausting.

Whatever amount of time you end up putting into this "party", consider setting aside that same amount of time for something you yourself truly enjoy doing. That's my advice to you on this. You're not alone in feeling drained when your PD parent has a birthday. Lots of us have had that exhausting experience. And we found ways to help each other out with it. I'm glad you're here posting about it.

Trees

[tragedy or hope]

Isn't it amazing how one good intention can get to this point without anything ever happening!!??

IMO... think of yourself and your mother's moments only.
Whatever they decide will be fine, tell them so. Let go of results.

Suggest they  call one another, you are out of it from here on.

Make sure your mother get's the best bday from you and you celebrate her.
Be done.

It's a day, not a life. She will be 90. THAT is what you can focus on. Food etc...  inconsequential in all things important.

learn to tell yourself, "whatever." and walk away from crazy. You obviously have good intentions. This is the only thing you can control.

Cheesecake... no. no one can make them like mom did. "Sorry I have to say no to that in her honor."

"Let them eat cake!" ~ Marie Antoinette.

[nanotech]

Leave early?  Hell, I wouldn't even go!

Please look at it this way:  anything you do is WRONG.   

So you might as well be wrong at home, surrounded by loved ones, or binge-watching something cool on Netflix with your DH and a glass of wine, and your phones OFF.   

SUDDENLY!     I'd have to self-quarantine for 14-days because of exposure to Covid, whether it's the truth or not.

Any gifts or cards can be mailed *after* your 14-day quarantine because they won't be right, you know it, your mom will already be buzzing like a hornet's nest - or you can send *nothing * and let her stew about that. 

When all your choices are going to be WRONG, you have to make the ones you're most comfortable with - and mine would be doing absolutely but ignoring this farce and letting the rest of your  FOO figure out which one gets to be The Scapegoat in your stead.  They won't like it, but too bad!   

Nanotech - he's going to be 90?  Great - somebody else can take care of all the details while you conveniently go on vacation that week! 

I will not walk into a situation where it sets me up to be abused by others.  You want to abuse me?  You're going to have to try a little harder than that - but first you have to *find* me. 

Yes. Strike the 'leave early' and just don't go. WI is right. 
Thanks WI. I'm not gonna hijack here, but my dad has been planning this 90th gig already, and it's been giving me the shivers.
After his last 'party' which was appalling for a thousand PD reasons, I had a horrible flare up of my back condition so that I couldn't stand up straight or walk unaided for three months.
There's no reason AT ALL why we have to attend these parties. Where is it written that  we have to plan them, or go to them? 
I'm not doing it. Dad made me feel like I was the lowest of the low at the last one. ( long story).

Seven, sometimes with my FOO efforts such as cake are liked on the day, then they decide you had too much praise and so they rewrite history and decide weeks later to talk about how 'dry' that cake was. This was a cake that was loved on the day.
They let me buy it and they all wolfed it down with obvious enjoyment. UNPDBrother happily even took the last piece home.
But then come the next party, he wanted no  cake for dad. He changed my UNPDdad's view too.( he's the GC).
When he too said it had been dry, I reminded dad just how much he'd enjoyed it at the party. What followed was a spluttering of Yes/ No / But/ hmmm/ etc - which turned  nicely into word salad. They have no explanation, even themselves, for the inexplicable. And some of them often truly believe their own gaslighting.
So you can't really ever win. They are not normal! They are not happy unless unhappy!

After that I said I'd never make or buy  another cake for dad. They take acts of love and use them as sticks to beat us with.

[doglady]

WI says: " I will not walk into a situation where it sets me up to be abused by others." This! A thousand times, this!

To give an example: against all my instincts, I went to my father's 80th a couple of years ago. This was after he'd said some awful things to me and then at the behest of my uPDM he tried to Hoover and ask me to MC at the party. I gulped because they've never wanted me to MC before and in fact have always gushed about my uPDGCBro and how great he is at this sort of thing. Despite massive flight-or-flight symptoms kicking in when he asked me, I managed to say 'No,' and when they predictably asked 'Why?!!' in a tone that implied Agree Now Or All Hell Will Break Loose (TM), I resisted saying 'You really want to go there?' and instead answered 'because I don't wish to do that.' My parents were pissed off (to put it mildly) that I wouldn't play ball. My uPDM then tried to sneakily put pressure on my kids to say great stuff about Poppy and provide musical performances on the big day. Nope, not happening. They did not want to do it but were understandably scared to tell her, because she manipulates and nags and cries and becomes ill when others won't do as she wants. So anyway, I nipped that in the bud and my kids and I were, of course, conspicuously the only family members who did not arise on cue to fulsomely praise Father on the day or otherwise perform like dancing ponies. If I'd had my time again, I definitely wouldn't have attended, as my refusal to toe the party line also left me looking like the bad guy, as ever. I felt caught between a rock and a hard place.
Not that I care these days.

Needless to say, I will not be attending my mother's 80th next year, under any circumstances. This will cause a massive shitstorm in my FOO as not only are appearances of happy families everything, multiple 'fests' to celebrate my parents' birthdays and wedding anniversaries are also everything. It's pretty much a perfect storm of FOO ecstasy and self-congratulation.

And yes, I'm also familiar with being the patsy who paid for expensive parties and presents and food that was criticised while GCBro contributed nothing ever, except his godlike presence, but was always more than happy to lap up the all the thanks for his purported contributions and never owned up to never having actually made any.

In my experience, family gatherings and celebrations have only ever been teeth-grindingly tense and fake excuses to laud the parents and the favoured son while covertly abusing certain other family members. Or even overtly abuse them under cover of joking.
Except jokes are funny.

To summarise: Family parties - avoid them like the plague they are!

[Seven]

Doglady, I get it, though being from a large Italian family, that's all we ever did....large family gatherings. 

Unfortunately I can't not go.  All the sibs but one are from out of town and I rarely see them (I'm talking many states away). I will go, but I will sit the furthest away at the table or at a different table all together.

At my sons wedding last year, the seating chart had her sitting at my table, and I put a hard stop to that. I told him it's his day and my focus is on him and DIL and I don't want to be babysitting his grandmother...put her somewhere else.  And he did...and it was bliss. Until 2 weeks later when she told me how horrible she thought my hair and makeup was done for the wedding. 

[nanotech]

Doglady, I get it, though being from a large Italian family, that's all we ever did....large family gatherings. 

Unfortunately I can't not go.  All the sibs but one are from out of town and I rarely see them (I'm talking many states away). I will go, but I will sit the furthest away at the table or at a different table all together.

At my sons wedding last year, the seating chart had her sitting at my table, and I put a hard stop to that. I told him it's his day and my focus is on him and DIL and I don't want to be babysitting his grandmother...put her somewhere else.  And he did...and it was bliss. Until 2 weeks later when she told me how horrible she thought my hair and makeup was done for the wedding.

Why are they like this?
My dad told me, after, and many people on the day of my daughters wedding, that the speeches went on 'far too long' and he nearly missed the firework display that was outside (and wasn't connected to the wedding).
After the speeches we were mingling happily and we couldn't find him- he'd rushed out to watch the darn things instead of staying with family. I had GC UNPDSIL suggesting we go outside and look for him!
Well, no, I'm entertaining  my guests. 
I figured that if he's wandered off then he's a grown adult who doesn't have dementia. So he will be fine. I also had two two year olds ( gorgeous grandkids) to keep an eye on, so I had enough to be going on with!
It's just that he's rude.
The other PDs were worried about him and required some drama over it. (Not me I knew he'd be fine. Also I'd had rather a lot of Prosecco by then and that had had a lovely effect on me!) I didn5 respond to their worried faces looking to me to do something.
Dad came back. Guess what? Such luck! The display kicked off late so he didn't miss them. He told me this  so happily!  It's just all so self -centred.

He was also VERY annoyed that he didn't make the top table after dropping HUGE hints.
Then he asked me if on the wedding day he could ' say grace' before we all ate, which would have been the first speech of the afternoon.
Errrm no dad. He whinged about this. I told him that not everyone attending, said grace before a meal. ( slight JADE there)

I should have just said, 'Because I don't wish it.'

He would have turned it into a speech.
About him.

He moaned about other things too- he couldn't get a coffee from the bar at 12.30 am in the morning. (They were about to close). He kept saying that it was 'ridiculous' in a four star hotel. I had to point out that the reception venue itself was partnered with but wasn't actually the hotel, it was NEXT to the hotel and he could have jumped  sideways a few feet into four star land and ordered coffee.
But of course, he couldn't leave the reception! Oh, only for the fireworks then dad?
The venue was kind of attached to the hotel by an internal walkway and lift. A lot of us including dad were staying at the hotel which had 24 hour room service as well as the  room facilities having plenty of coffee.
In his 80s, and one of the last to leave the disco!

Dog lady wrote;

"In my experience, family gatherings and celebrations have only ever been teeth-grindingly tense and fake excuses to laud the parents and the favoured son while covertly abusing certain other family members. Or even overtly abuse them under cover of joking.
Except jokes are funny.

To summarise: Family parties - avoid them like the plague they are!"

My dad arranged himself three parties for his 80th. One on his birthday, another big one later in the year and another one just for his friends. He can do this again for his 90th but he won't see me at the two I will be invited to. It will cause a stink. Just not going to these parties.

What Dog lady wrote is a spot on description of our family's parties.  Who would want to attend those?Amen to that! 🦩( I love flamingoes so I've added one!)

[Seven]

Sis1 FaceTimed me today to talk about arrival logistics.  Her hair was wet.  I said, "you got a cut?"  She said "nope.  Last time i was down (3 weeks ago) uNPDm said my hair was too gray and should dye it, because 'when you don't have gray you look younger'".  Sis1 turns 64 in 2 months.  Sis1 and I are very natural women.  Makeup very rarely/wash and air-dry the hair, etc.  Matter of fact there are almost 16 years between us and uNPDm calls us by the others name constantly.

Now Sis1 knows.  She is not in the FOG.  She didn't do it because mom made her feel bad.  She didn't do it for approval. She could give two shits honestly. She is catering to uNPDm dementia. 

I rebought up to Sis1 it's "always about the way people look". Like DS looking pregnant in his wedding photos (yes, uNPDm said that in front of a group of us while looking at the photos on a big screen TV) or having dyed his hair blond for shits and giggles a few months ago because quarantine.  Or younger DS for having a goatee, or Sis1 not dying her hair, or me and my bad professional makeup and hair, or that i'm Too skinny (I have worked my ass off literally to lose 150lbs). 

I mean, she is a true narc and I swear she'd be proud of it if she even understood what it meant.

DH asked me later if I had planned on wearing makeup for the party.  I said yes, but not for her, or because I need her approval, but for me because I want to.  He said "you're beautiful just the way you are". He's so awesome!

[SparkStillLit]

PAAARRRTTIIESSS oh my gross STARS.  I have not learned properly. Nmum hovers me like a spy drone and hisses things incessantly in my ear, either about people, or about me. I have taken to loudly saying "WHAT??? DIDN'T HEAR YOU?? WHAT WERE YOU SAYING???" to stop her hissing 😁😁😁😁. This has been an excellent ploy. It doesn't stop her hovering, though. For that, I'll generally go by people she doesn't like, and *stay there*. Those people like me, and forgive my origins 🤣. They know I'm not like her. She has stopped attending a lot of the parties I want to attend, anyway. Ones for my step family. THANK THE LORD. She made everything horribly fraught.
Her birthdays are a whole 'nother goat rodeo. Also, here's something she's always been weird about. You have to celebrate ON THE DAY. Can't save it over to the weekend or what have you. Oh and I pissed her the eff off by getting married on her birthday. HAHAHAHA. Now she has to share her day with my anniversary.

[nanotech]

For me it's a relief knowing I don't have to attend family parties any more. What kept me going to them, was being in the FOG.
There's honestly NOTHING  pleasant about these get togethers. Not even the food. ( they all love a certain restaurant that I don't happen to love😐)
Now that we've stopped catering family parties after years of doing this, ( I know, I know, idiot compassion) - no one else has wanted to take them on ( of course not). So it's the local carvery.

The times when the get -together hasn't been as bad, have been those occasions where our  very far-extended family have been present. When they are there, I've noticed that the PDs have kept their masks more or less in place. The addition of cousins and second cousins, plus their partners too, also had the effect of diluting the general toxicity.
PDs  enjoy their sport best when everyone present has been programmed in their childhood either to initiate/ enable or accept the abuse, according to which role they were ascribed.
My family work through presenting coldness, aloofness, slyness, baiting, mocking, to shame, wound and guilt. They then move on to on to overt shaming and undermining, all dressed up inside a bunch of faux- affection.

It's scary that I have to rely on family I don't know that well  to keep me safe from the inner circle if my birth. It's bizarre and
dismaying that those who should have my back come what may, have instead pinned a great big target circle on it and put arrows in their quiver. 
But it is what it is.
I'm woken to it, and that's far far better than being still in the FOG, insisting that everything is fine and dandy.

[Seven]

Well, the event was yesterday. I had picked the restaurant. They went above and beyond. My family of 6 was sort of away from the rest of the group just because of the layout of the area we were in, which was fine.  We're a fun group in our own right. Only thing I was bummed about was I really wanted all the grandchildren/cousins (all same-aged adults) to sit together and that didn't get to happen.

I was around uNPDm only with  other family (never by myself). Her dementia is getting worse. Like really bad. I feel bad for her. Some of them are trying to chalk it up to her refusing to wear her hearing aids.  Again, I am not being heard, but oh well.  She did bring up my weight, even though I've been at maintenance for a year. I did get on her scale because she wanted to see if it was accurate (it is).  I just wear better-fitting clothes and got my hair cut in a new style, so I look like a completely different person.

I stayed more of of an observer than a participant. Sis4 all worried that Sis2 (who is literally just like uNPDm) is mad at her because texts weren't returned. I reminded Sis4 "you are not responsible for other people's feelings"
Sis2 getting butthurt that DH and I are flying to Sis4 city and not her city for vacation (although she didn't come right out and say it, but you could tell by the look on her face). Plan A was to invite Sis2 to stay at Sis4 for the weekend at the same time. Or Plan B for us go to Sis2 for a day.  Bro5 started secretly smoking again even though he was told he has some fibrosis in his lungs that may or may not be scar tissue from his Covid/not-Covid illness, residual pneumonia, or what. He still has a brain tumor that he sees a neurosurgeon for this week, and was told he has a heart chamber issue (don't know if it's congenital or caused by his recent Covid/not-Covid illness).  Again, not everyone knows this, and he is hiding his smoking.  So now with lung fibrosis and a newly diagnosed heart issue, he may not clear pre-op for brain surgery. All I can do is shrug.

But like I said, I sat by and tried to observe the best I could.

I also threw all caution to the wind and ate what I wanted. Hopefully the scale will reward me in a few days (I know it sounds wrong, but sometimes when you carb-load after doing standard keto for the week, you'll actually drop weight in a few days)

[SunnyMeadow]

She did bring up my weight, even though I've been at maintenance for a year. I did get on her scale because she wanted to see if it was accurate (it is).  I just wear better-fitting clothes and got my hair cut in a new style, so I look like a completely different person.

My goodness, she really is concerned about your weight! 

Glad to read you stayed more an observer than a participant. Sounds safer and more calm that way.

[nanotech]

So you go to a  party where there's lots of goodies/ carbs on offer, alcohol and cake no doubt- and you are asked/ told to weigh yourself in front of your mum. 
Not pleasant.

With my UNPD sis it's always about food and weight too. I think it's used a lot by PDs as some sort of judging criteria.
If I gain weight, they are negative. If I lose, they look for a reason that's negative.

Next time ( if there is one) only weigh yourself if every single other person
gets on the scales too.
Don't worry about whether you lose weight or not in a few days.

[Seven]

Sorry, I should have made clear...
A bunch of us went to her ILF pre-party because most are from out of town, so the scale incident happened in front of half the people (my sissies and BILs) I've been morbidly obese for a good part of my life.  I am now the lightest person in the family.  All natural. I have a lot to be proud of. 

But it is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS about looks.... weight, hair color, clothes, men's facial hair, you name it. She internally compares everyone else to herself at our age. Usually around her I wear the most baggiest of clothes.  Yesterday I was looking pretty hot if I do say so myself. 

I go girl!

[nanotech]

Sorry, I should have made clear...
A bunch of us went to her ILF pre-party because most are from out of town, so the scale incident happened in front of half the people (my sissies and BILs) I've been morbidly obese for a good part of my life.  I am now the lightest person in the family.  All natural. I have a lot to be proud of. 

But it is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS about looks.... weight, hair color, clothes, men's facial hair, you name it. She internally compares everyone else to herself at our age. Usually around her I wear the most baggiest of clothes.  Yesterday I was looking pretty hot if I do say so myself. 

I go girl!

Good for you!  😊