Back were I started

[Spirit in the sky]

I can't believe hubby has fallen for NMIL nonsense again. I really thought we had turned a corner and he could see just how bad and manipulative she is. But he's falling under her controlling spell again, I want to grab him and shake him to see sense but if I say anything he this I'm just being mean about her.

He actually believes she's changed! He doesn't give me too info these days because he knows I don't believe a word she says, and I look like the bad guy. In my previous post I wrote about how his behaviour changes after he's spent time with her, fleas I think it's called. It's getting worse and somehow she has managed to persuade him to go to a family get together which we haven't done for years, obviously he's going alone. My days of fake smiles and small talk is a thing of the past.

I really see this damaging our relationship but when I try and talk to him he just thinks I'm having a go at his mother. I can't believe he's so insecure she's still desperate for her approval even though she's manipulating everyone around her. I'm sure she's using some line about she could be dead soon. She's an expert at emotional blackmail.

[Penny Lane]

I'm so sorry, this sounds very hard. It is so frustrating to watch a loved one go back INTO the fog as we're coming out.

[Spirit in the sky]

I'm so sorry, this sounds very hard. It is so frustrating to watch a loved one go back INTO the fog as we're coming out.

Thanks Penny Lane, whats even worse is he's deeper in that he was before !

[Leonor]

Hi Spirit,

Yes, it's hard, like one step forwards, two steps backwards.

Good for you for standing in your truth and taking care of yourself rather than be dragged along to the gathering.

If you guys have been NC for a while, there's a reason for it. Eventually, mil will make that reason crystal clear to dh too.

In the meantime it just sucks. Take care of you ... Can you plan something super awesome for you while dh is at said gathering? Something for you to look forward to?

[bloomie]

Spirit in the sky - I am really sorry there has been backward movement in your H's journey Out of the FOG with his mom. I will say this:

when I try and talk to him he just thinks I'm having a go at his mother.

is an unfair accusation and shaming of you as you attempt to address a relationship that has/is negatively impacting you and your H's trust and unity. And this works to shut down honest communication and creates disconnection in your most important relationship - your marriage.

You have many choices in how/if you respond to your H moving closer to someone who has caused division and strife, but one thing I have learned is there are unintended consequences when our H's have a divided heart and are not settled in where their priorities are and how their choices are impacting us and the connection we share with their FOO.

I apologize for not knowing this I'm sure you have shared this in the past, but have you ever worked through this stuff with a neutral third party? It might be time to get another person's perspective that has no history with any of this.

If your H is not willing to talk with you one on one or with a third party and find a workable agreement around the amount of time and the level of influence his mother wields in your home and life, I would suggest that you do so for just yourself. You need a place in real life (or at least I surely did) to talk about this without the specter of being shamed for honest and valid responses to someone (mil) who is not safe and poses an emotional threat at the very least, to our marriages.

How are things going today?

[Spirit in the sky]

Thanks Bloomie,

Hubby won't have anything to do with 'therapy' or a neutral third party because he doesn't think there's a problem. He thinks I'm the problem but I don't believe his mother has changed.

I have had therapy and I know his mother's behaviour triggers issues I had with my deceased father. He only died in April so I'm still working through some issues after witnessing how bad a narcissist behaviour can get when they are dying and have no control. It's scary.

I have two close friends who also have issues with mils so I can talk openly to them. Both husbands are still in the fog and just struggle on, accepting what they can't change.

My biggest concern is my grown up step-daughter who hubby has no contact with as she also have a undiagnosed pd, is expecting a baby next year. SD has formed an alliance with mil and I can see signs of hubby getting drawn into ending nc with his daughter with mils influence. Mil likes to control the entire family and creating drama for her own entertainment.

Spirit in the sky - I am really sorry there has been backward movement in your H's journey Out of the FOG with his mom. I will say this:

when I try and talk to him he just thinks I'm having a go at his mother.

is an unfair accusation and shaming of you as you attempt to address a relationship that has/is negatively impacting you and your H's trust and unity. And this works to shut down honest communication and creates disconnection in your most important relationship - your marriage.

You have many choices in how/if you respond to your H moving closer to someone who has caused division and strife, but one thing I have learned is there are unintended consequences when our H's have a divided heart and are not settled in where their priorities are and how their choices are impacting us and the connection we share with their FOO.

I apologize for not knowing this I'm sure you have shared this in the past, but have you ever worked through this stuff with a neutral third party? It might be time to get another person's perspective that has no history with any of this.

If your H is not willing to talk with you one on one or with a third party and find a workable agreement around the amount of time and the level of influence his mother wields in your home and life, I would suggest that you do so for just yourself. You need a place in real life (or at least I surely did) to talk about this without the specter of being shamed for honest and valid responses to someone (mil) who is not safe and poses an emotional threat at the very least, to our marriages.

How are things going today?

[bloomie]

Spirit - that sounds like a very complicated multi generational potential drama factory. I am so thankful you have friends who understand and can support you and we are here for you as well. It is especially hard when our H's just have no insights into how damaging all of this can be to our FOC.