Update BF's XW

[Christy22]

Hello!! Hope everyone is doing well. I enjoy reading the posts and get valuable insight from each and every one of you. 

I have an update in regards to BF and his XW.  She tried to break us up...failed. She tried to get their son to demand "me or your GF"...failed.  She tried to get their son hate BF, and his behavior was terrible for a while...failed. 

Thanks to the therapist, BF started changing HIS behavior in dealing with his son's behavior.  Son's behavior at home improved and their relationship has gotten stronger. 

Once XW found out about this (Due to all the inquisitions) she has now unilaterally decided with their son that he will stay at her house all the time during his online virtual semester; using the excuses of how she doesn't want the school-issued laptop breaking during transition of both homes, and that BF needs to "go back to work or they'll fire you" (He is in IT and working remotely), son would be home with a sitter...HUH?????????????????.  When BF told her no, she declared, "We'll have a discussion later about your work schedule!"  and stormed off. 

She also has decided that she will take their son to all soccer activities.  She purposely is keeping all of the equipment "to air out."

We have always had our date nights on Saturday after he drops off son.  BF got a kitten.  XW is picking son up at BF's house (Instead of him dropping off) to "see the kitten."  I know it is a ploy to break us up as she exhibited this behavior when BF was with his XGF, which caused a lot of problems and ultimately their break up.  He and I have discussed no reaction, just come get me when they leave...another fail.

BF has hired an attorney.  The attorney filed a motion to adopt the current custody to ensure continuity of contact and an affidavit of irreparable harm (XW is pressuring the child to his detriment when he should not be involved).  I will keep you all posted!  Stay safe everyone!!

[hhaw]

C22:

I'm glad the T helped by navigate parenting more effectively. 

You seem energized by the ongoing conflict.....that's how I read your post.  It might not be the case at all, I realize.

I'm glad you're feeling you and by are rising and overcoming the chaos and sabotage of his ex, but....
is that how you want to spend the next 5 or so years?

Consider this an invitation to explore the reasons you're drawn to this man and situation. 

Without judgment, I wish the best possible outcome for you.  I wish you clarity.

[GettingOOTF]

C22:

I'm glad the T helped by navigate parenting more effectively. 

You seem energized by the ongoing conflict.....that's how I read your post.  It might not be the case at all, I realize.

I'm glad you're feeling you and by are rising and overcoming the chaos and sabotage of his ex, but....
is that how you want to spend the next 5 or so years?

Consider this an invitation to explore the reasons you're drawn to this man and situation. 

Without judgment, I wish the best possible outcome for you.  I wish you clarity.

With the same caveats I read the same as hhaw.

It comes across as you are determined to “win” here. From the outside looking in he really doesn’t seem like much of a prize.  You may have a unicorn and things may work out perfectly for you and your own child with this man. I really hope they do. That said men like this generally thrive on this type of conflict and they generally move on to fresh supply when the work becomes too much or they no longer feel as central as they did at the height of the conflict.

I have been exactly where you are. I know how it feels to be in the thick of it. It is energizing and exciting. I felt so purposeful and needed. I thrived under these conditions.  I came to see that for me this was incredibly toxic. I now focus on my own side of the street and my own healing. My life is now free of chaos and my relationships unfold calmly and naturally. It’s a totally different way of living. Therapy and Codependent No More really helped me to see why I was drawn to these relationships and gave me the tools to build the wonderful like I have now.

[athene1399]

I am wondering why BF is allowing XW to come over to "see the kitten"? From what you describe, they don't appear to have an amicable relationship. So it just seems odd that he would let her inside the house to see the kitten.

Aside from that, I am glad that BF is getting support and advice from an L. I am also glad that the T helped BF's and S's relationship improve. I'm sure BF had to put a lot of work in to change their relationship for the better.

I know I often wanted to "win" against BM (SO's BPDxw). I hated how unfair things were. SO often had to tell me, "No. I am not taking her to court over that. It's not worth it" and I would have to drop it. What has helped me is to think on why her behavior bothers me so much. I mean, yes it's unfair. She has a double standard on everything and demanded extra time with SD. But there was something going on internally with me as well. At any rate, I had to learn how to keep my balance and how to let things go. And the wins don't feel as sweet when I came to the realization that BM is still SD's mother and SD has to figure out how to process this and I am sure it is not easy. No one really wins. 

[Penny Lane]

Hi Christy! Thanks for coming back to update us. It sounds like you're in the middle of a BM onslaught. I know that feeling well. How are you holding up??

I love hearing that your BF changed HIS behavior. That's the only thing he can do! We have never ever not once seen BM start acting better on her own. However as DH changes his behavior and sets boundaries, she modifies (or is forced to modify) her behavior.

I hope you are hanging in there! It sounds like there are some positives here but this stuff is always incredibly stressful.

[Christy22]

*****Update*****
BM told BF that he was no longer allowed to see DS.  BM stated that he will only see DS if he leaves me; as it is too risky due to me being a nurse and Coronavirus.  BF went to get DS from school and BM showed up and told him can only see DS if he leaves me; as it is too risky due to me being a nurse and Covid.  BM attacked him and next thing I know he got arrested (We do not live together, I never met BM and I have no contact with DS).  She also said she is "afraid" to get medical care because i work at a large hospital in the city (WTF she lives in the suburbs!!!!)  She called me an "Unstable c##t" I have been at the same hospital for years and in that timeframe she has had MANY jobs where she was fired or asked to resign. 

BM has filed an emergency full custody.  She told judge she is afraid of BF and I and he bought it hook line and sinker.  She told Judge that i have turned BF into a crazy man (He has been standing up to her recently).  She is also talking about suing me if they get Coronavirus.

I recently came into an inheritance and have been house hunting.  I have decided to get something for me and my kids ONLY as I cannot trust BM/DS.  I know this bothers him but I have to protect myself.  She randomly shows up at his place (Prior arrest) and I have made it VERY CLEAR that if she shows up at my door she will get dragged away in handcuffs.... Apparently DS told her who I am, where I work, where I live, what I drive, ect.  This whole time I was led to believe she knew nothing about me. 

[Stepping lightly]

Hi Christy,

It sounds like things are continuing to get worse. How are you dealing with it all?  How are your kids dealing with it- do they know anything is happening?

I imagine COVID is making it more challenging with co-parenting for everyone. 

A lot of the things you summarized are pretty extreme behaviors, why did BF get arrested if BM attacked him? 

Are you super committed to this relationship?  I ask because there are children involved on both your BFs and your side that are likely being impacted in a big way.   BM knowing where you live, are you sincerely concerned about your/you children's safety?   This is not going to stop anytime soon, even if the COVID situation gets better.  PDs have stamina like we will never know, COVID is just the current excuse.

I would also maybe step back a little from telling her  "if she shows up at my door she will get dragged away in handcuffs".  It doesn't take your option away to call the police, but saying something that strongly worded will just continue to escalate the situation.  If you talk to her with those types of threats, she will be able to use them against you in painting you to be whatever unsavory adjective she wants to use.

Don't get me wrong, if BF is your dream man and everything you could hope for in a partner- you can figure things out.  If he's not, this is a REALLY long and hard road to continue on (as I'm sure you know).  DH and I went through some very hellish years with BM, and I can't say that they are over.  It was extremely difficult, and he was 100% the most supportive spouse I could have ever asked for, otherwise we never would have made it.   Maybe a cooling off period would help settle things- please don't look at that as "her winning", but as you/BF taking the responsibility in the situation to do what is right for he kids, because you KNOW BM won't be the one doing it.  It will also give you some time outside the center of the storm to assess how you want to move forward, and maybe strategize how to be able to do that in a healthy and safe way. 

And for what it's worth, she can't dictate that BF "leaves you", but with the COVID situation she will have more room to ask you guys to make some changes to ensure everyone's health. 

[Christy22]

Thank you Stepping Lightly! I have disengaged a long time ago.  My kids do not know anything that BM has done or is doing. 

I don't know how BF got arrested.  He told me she attacked him and left to go police and was told that she had a red mark on her face; as she claimed he struck her when she was trying to tell him that I am a bad influence for him.  He adamantly denies touching her; but I was not there.

I never told her that I would have her arrested.  I never met her, never talked to her and have no plans to ever meet her.  I told him that when he would openly complain about her showing up at his house, inviting herself in to see the kitten and dropping by to take the DS out to lunch on his time.  She also would stop by with DS at his house because DS wanted something.  When I told him to call the police he said, "I'm not going to have her arrested in front of DS" ok so she beat you to it.....(Things have changed now for him since the arrest...he now knows he needs to set boundaries with her).

[Stepping lightly]

Hi Christy,

That's great that BF is setting boundaries, it is definitely easier to set them then to keep them long term...so hopefully he's ready to be persistent. 

I agree with BF not calling the police on BM, it's frustrating that she was stopping by, but that is a pretty traumatic thing to put a child through.  Sounds like BM provoked a situation where she could escalate to calling the police and corner BF, which totally sucks.  This is the #1 reason DH and I are never, ever, ever, ever alone with BM if we can help it.  I would certainly advise BF to arrange his interactions so he is never alone with her either.  It's hard, and sometimes not possible, especially when you are ambushed.  A backup is to call someone so he has someone on the phone during the interaction, sometimes that is just enough to get the PD to stand down.  It doesn't have to look like it's intentional, just like a conversation that lasted longer than anticipated and you can't hang up.  Ugh...reminds me of the days when we would have to drive through the whole school parking lot to make sure her car wasn't there before going into the school.

When you say you have disengaged, what does that look like?  Is that just a step back from the BM situation, or the relationship with BF as well?

[Christy22]

I have taken a step back with him as I live in the city, he lives in the suburb (same town as her).. I have refused to go to his house or to the town he lives.  If he wants to see me he has to come to the city.  I do not go anywhere that she may be.  If he gets DS back we will not be a happy family.  We will see each other when DS is with BM.

In telling him to call the police was not becasue she would stop by to see the kitten, it was the times she would stop by yelling at him, kicking the door and telling him,"Come outside and talk to me stop being a p***Y" She did this a few times with his DS there...

[hhaw]

Aaaand that's what this expd does when she feels she's losing control.

She makes false allegations, risks pressing false very serious charges without considering her son.

Its6likely her behaviors will escalate as your SO thwarts her attempts at controlling him, ime.  Can you imagine what that might look like if shes6just getting started?

One last thing....it seems to me your SO is deeply and profoundly unprepared to deal with his ex, imo.

I thought you'd post back about witnesses to the expd's attack on SO at the school giving statements that got charges dropped, with charges against expdh being filed, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

From here, your SO can't protect himself or his child.  It would be unlikely he can shield you and your child, ime.

I'm happy you seem capable of protecting yourself and your child.  I'm hopeful you would call the police and document any threats or violence, should they happen to you.

Why oh why didnt5your SO record his expd's threats and violence?  He has to prove his case when up against a PD willing to lie,cheat and steal....at every turn he HAS to document the truth, without fail.

Can you imagine this escalating?  If the expdh trains her son to make false abuse charges against SO?

That child will likely be crushed in this chaotic ongoing adult conflict, and your SO seems in no way up to the fight.  I might be wrong.  He might have his T and witnesses and a kick arse attorney helping him form the theory of his case that proves what's really going on here.  That theory won't include all the real facts of his situation, btw.

It will show the court evidence of expd' prior violent behaviors and refusal to comply with the visitation schedule....lots of evidence backing SO up.  He'd be able to show the court Expd's irrational jealousy and controlling behaviors which are detrimental to their son's wellbeing.....
The courts sometimes care about these things....iften, ime, they do,but it's a stressful, time consuming, expensive slog....and you'll have to watch SO's son suffer....or hear about it if SO hasn't documented his situation properly.  We rarely do in the beginning,, bc we cant6wrap our minds around a parent using their beloved child as a weapon.  WHO does that?!?! 

PDs, that's who.

Normal parents are seriously behind the 8 ball when the PDs are sly and convincing, ime.  It seems your SO's ex is that, and perhaps much worse.

What does your gut say about the lengths expdh would go to?  Listen to your intuition, C.

You can't save your SO, but you can save yourself.

Some PDs will destroy everything , even themselves, to "win."

Some have scorched earth policies without limits....think about that for a moment.

This is a fight, and youll6 likely never win anything but a sad draw, if youre6 lucky....and then youll6 likely be broke and exhausted.

Just bc you can fight in the name of justice doesnt6mean you should in every case, ime.

Your SO doesnt6have a choice, but you do. 

Ask yourself why it's important to take up a sword and fight this wretched war of battle after battle with a man who seems I'll prepared to keep himself and child from being crushed in this struggle.

[Penny Lane]

Christy I'm so sorry you're still dealing with this! And I think it's very smart to take that step back and to get a house just for you and your kids. PDs can cause an immense amount of damage just by just not caring about basic decency or being a good person.

[Christy22]

BF and BM went before the judge, as BM has refused access to DS due to Covid 19 and other reasons.  BM stated to judge that DS is afraid of BF as he feels that BF's arrest was his fault, thinks BF is a psycho and she can't convince him otherwise.  Judge was like, ummmm yes you can convince him otherwise. CRICKETS....

BM stated that DS does not want to go to BF's house because he feels unimportant as BF calls me, has me come over (Which is a lie), texts me and spends his free time with me when not with DS; which DS "doesn't like."  Judge said it doesn't matter that DS doesn't like it, he's 13.   BM then stated that she "did the right thing" and broke up with her BF for the sake of their son and BF needs to do the same.  BF Lawyer interrupted, "My understanding is that your BF is married, you ran off with him for a year and he went back to his wife."  CRICKETS....

BF's Lawyer brought up that BM used the excuse that I am a nurse and she is afraid of DS getting coronavirus and that she won't let BF have DS until we break up.  Judge said that is "baseless" and asked her if I am threatening to her or DS in anyway, she answered no.  Judge said she doesn't care about the fact that I am a nurse and ordered BF to see DS.  BM then stated, "You can't do that, he will kidnap DS and leave the country!"  Judge stated that BF seems like a great dad and she doesn't see him doing that.  CRICKETS...Judge ordered the attorneys to work out a new custody agreement, so wish us luck! 

[Penny Lane]

It is very satisfying when the authorities see through them! I hope your boyfriend is with his son now or is seeing him soon! Good luck with the new custody agreement!

[Christy22]

It is very satisfying when the authorities see through them! I hope your boyfriend is with his son now or is seeing him soon! Good luck with the new custody agreement!

Thank you!! BF feels like a weight has been lifted off of his shoulders and finally has a great legal team.  The attorneys to work out a new custody agreement, so he is not out of the woods yet.  We are hoping that a new custody agreement is in writing soon!

[Christy22]

Thanks everyone for the replies.  BF heard from the attorney as BM was holding back the therapist's name  (as he was court ordered to attend with DS).  BM told attorney that she stopped taking DS bc of the pandemic (she told BF that the therapist released DS bc he was fine and didn't need it) and began taking him again after the arrest she wants him to have a relationship with his father but DS refuses to see BF because he won't dump me, and maybe now he will listen to therapist when he is told that he will only get DS back once he dumps me. 

BM claims that DS has told therapist that he won't see BF until we break up and therapist has said that DS has a voice and needs to be listened to.  BF has been so stressed since this ordeal and it is painful to watch.  BM also said that therapist said "she knows how DS feels and it's time that BF stopped putting his own needs first" (Yes this came from BM's mouth, we won't know the whole truth until BF meets with therapist but it seems BM has swayed the therapist).  BF is going to meet with DS's therapist shortly and begin court ordered therapy with DS. 

[Penny Lane]

Christy, this is all so hard! I have a book recommendation for your boyfriend: Divorce Poison. It deals with serious attempts at alienation such as this one. He might find it very helpful.