Dad giving brother money - think I'm being punished!

[p123]

Dad always had this thing where'd he'd make a big show of giving myself and brother money. It'd always be cash.

Not a huge amount - like £50 a time. He'd think that was a massive amount. At first, I used to try not to take it, I dont need the money. BUT, as I've said before, hes got thousands in the bank and its better to have it now. He always used to make a big thing about giving me the same as my brother. Another reason I used to take it is that my brother has the financial skills of a 5 year old - so Dad was constantly bailing him out and I thought "sod it - he spends it all down the pub on beer then Dad bails him out, yet I'm being sensible"

Last few months, its dried up to zero pretty much. Last few months I've really cracked down on what I do for Dad and hes noticed. Brother, on the other hand, is the Golden Child.
What Dad forgets though is I have password to his bank account - I pay bills for him etc I dont mind. BUT there are lots of entries for £50 from ATMs. Dad hardly goes out and these ATMS are a few miles away near brothers house. Its pretty obvious that, as the GC, Dad has been giving him his card and keeps giving him cash.

Now I don't need the money. My brothers life choices are to ignore his kids from previous relationships (Dad agrees), mine are not. My kids and my wife of 25 years are important to me. Its not about the money (but it seems that because I don't make the life choices my brother makes I'm being punished.

Its really hurt me when I realised what hes doing. In the past, I've done everything for my Dad. I've put him before my own wife and kids in the past (wrongly!) and did what he wanted. I've spend hours sorting out things like government grants for disabled showr, stair lifts, all sorts. I was the one who sorted out his mortgage for him when he got divorced when he retired!

Yet because I no longer do what he wants exactly this is how I get treated. So disappointed in being treated like this. Dad KNOWS my personal situation and there are very good reasons why I can't do as much as brother but it doesnt seem to matter to him.

[FromTheSwamp]

I know this is painful.  My parents definitely use money to get attention and to manipulate.  Mostly the money goes to non-family members who give them attention, sometimes people they don't even know well.  I expressed to my therapist how this hurt, but I didn't feel that I had a right to this feeling because after all it's their money to do whatever they want with.  My therapist told me it was normal to feel hurt, because money is a major way my parents show who matters to them, and they were making plain I don't matter to them.  And yes, I've done the most for them over the years of anyone.

[GettingOOTF]

My father gives money to my siblings but not to me. Even before I went NC. It’s his money to do with as he chooses and my siblings need the money more than I do so I don’t begrudge them the extra help even though I know my father does it to be spiteful.

If you look at this objectively you are pulling away from your father. He sees this so it’s natural he will adjust accordingly. He likely sees the money as some form of reward which he feels is no longer deserved. He also knows you have access to his bank account so it’s also a form of Hoover on his part.

You have made it clear that you are financially well off and your brother isn’t. Your father is probably also a bit put out by this. I know my father resents my financial success - though it’s mostly in his head as I never discuss my finances with him. He knows I work in a high paying industry so he simply assumes I’m well paid myself.

For me it is important not to take these things personally and get pulled into their games. GBP50 is a meal for one in a decent restaurant, so these aren’t life changing amounts. I’d work on stepping back. Ultimately this is what you want - for your father not to be such a big part of your life so you are getting what you’ve been working for.

The separating of yourself and your father will be painful for both of you. This is one of those painful steps. I’d look at it as progress and an opportunity to address the feelings this brings up for you. It will ultimately make separating further possible.

[Seven]

Yep, this one is painful.  UNPDm has been bailing out Bro5 for decades.  Jesus, so many b.s. reasons and lies he's told to get the $. He's even "borrowed" from other sibs and never paid a dime back (I'm talking 10s of thousands).  He blamed it on uBPDx.  Yet when he divorced her, things did not get better.

This is the same Bro5 who had a brain tumor 32 years ago, was in the hospital for 2 weeks this July due to Covid/but not Covid and "almost died" and his brain tumor is back.  Same Bro5 who married an uBPDwife and was not allowed to talk to ANY family except me, so he basically ignored my parents for 25 years.  Yet, she still shells him out money, and then bitches to my other sibs that she has to do it.  He has been out of work since His hospitalization in July and she continues to support him, paid off his car that was 3 months past due, credit cards that were over-limit and past due, and made it verbally clear that "we" will continue to financially support him.  DH and I walked away after she said that and I said "she's Causing a whole bunch of resentment" (for both Bro5 and herself).  She also evidently zeroed out all his debt once he got divorced, yet he still dig himself another huge hole in just 5 years.

She does not realize she is enabling him even though she's been told as much. Sis4 is on her bank account so she can see checks written, etc, but it's the ATM withdrawals she has no control over. 

I can even fathom how much has been spent on him.
And yes, her "love language" is money, especially if you're a male and you're sick.  She gave 10k to Dying nephew for clinical trial travels.  He died before it even started. But Sis1 had breast cancer...did she see a dime?  Not that I'm aware of.

No one has made an effort to protect her money, even after my pleading for them to do so,  so if she needs ALF or nursing home/memorycare, guess what? She'll get no state help.  She'll be dry by the time she dies.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Sorry, p123.  Maybe his unfairness will help you detach more emotionally and take even more distance for yourself.  That happened to me.

After doing a ton of work for PDm, I took a nice vacation.  Shortly after I got back, she (coincidentally) had been thinking I don't need to be in her will.  And neither does one of my 3 kids while the others stay in.   The latter bothered me more, which I'm sure she knew.  Hurt the kid to punish the parent - I think that's par for the disorder.  Also, leave a lasting legacy when you die (which can therefore never be undone or addressed) of resentment & hurt & jealousy among the grandkids.  Lovely.   I knew she was upset about the vacation, ... but I was floored!

That change in the will never took place, but a change in my attitude toward her did.  So.... just what do I owe her?  It helped me ditch the guilt and base the help I give on what I want to do rather than what she demands.  The sting is long gone now, but the lesson remains learned.  By the way, I was the GC, though believe me, it was not love.  It was more servitude.  And an intrusive, entangled, sickening nightmare.

[GettingOOTF]

By the way, I was the GC, though believe me, it was not love.  It was more servitude.  And an intrusive, entangled, sickening nightmare.

I think this is where a lot of us Scapegoats get stuck. It took me a long time to see but the GC is not loved more than the SC or even favored. In many ways GC have it much harder than the SC. I have nothing but compassion for my GC sister. I see how much she battles to do basic "adulting". Being the GC has only held her back. Being the SC is what ultimately enabled me to flourish.

PDs NEVER act out of love. It's all manipulation to get that they want.

[nanotech]

By the way, I was the GC, though believe me, it was not love.  It was more servitude.  And an intrusive, entangled, sickening nightmare.

I think this is where a lot of us Scapegoats get stuck. It took me a long time to see but the GC is not loved more than the SC or even favored. In many ways GC have it much harder than the SC. I have nothing but compassion for my GC sister. I see how much she battles to do basic "adulting". Being the GC has only held her back. Being the SC is what ultimately enabled me to flourish.

PDs NEVER act out of love. It's all manipulation to get that they want.

I agree that the GC is given a poisoned chalice. It sets them up badly for life.
People outside the family at school and work do not favour them. They are treated the same as anyone else. So too are the scapegoated. But for scapegoats this is a step up, an improvement! So scapegoats despite their own low self -esteem , have a chance at real life!
Golden children ( and their  parents) often try to perpetuate the UNREAL world, the one where parents chose one child  to heap praise upon.
In my case it was because he was the last child and the much wanted boy. Simple as that.
He was helped financially. He didn't have to take out a student loan. Our parents sorted that for him. He didn't have to work three jobs while he did his A levels. These are the things that breed resentment. But while I was working those jobs I was learning  about the world. He missed out on that.
My parents paid for his wedding. The cost to the bride's parents was to let my dad make a speech! His wedding was a complete narcfest. There was a wedding video but I wasn't on it.
When we accepted financial help (only ONCE  and it wasn't a lot and I HATED saying yes but had to) from my parents, he tried to block it. When he couldn't dissuade my parents, he sat in the corner like rumplestiltskin, crossly writing down the whole transaction, recording it for future exploitation.
I do try to have compassion for him. But it's very hard. I do love him, though I've no relationship with him. I tried for years, but he doesn't want it. He views me in terms of potential usefulness, or as a potential rival for money and attention, that's all.
I'm aware that he was programmed not to show me any respect. He's just as dismissive of 
all of his sisters, even though we are all older than him.
Bear in mind p123, he will do as he likes with his money. If brother suddenly starts behaving more like you, then no more 50 quids would materialise.
He rewards your brother for bad behaviour. He's irresponsible towards his children, but your dad feels that that puts him first. So he rewards him. He's dismissive of women, like him. He mirrors him, so he gets rewarded.
It's really not worth selling your soul and your sanity for is it?
Better to stay unrewarded and self differentiated, than be enmeshed and given a few treats. Yuk
yep it's annoying. But at least you are not in need of help financially. That's when it's terrible for scapegoats. I've experienced that.
These people don't know how to parent properly. 

[lkdrymom]

You are only important to them when you are doing things for them. Say that a few times. I bet it makes it easier to back away some more.  If your brother is getting rewarded then let him do all the work.

[Adrianna]

You are only important to them when you are doing things for them. Say that a few times. I bet it makes it easier to back away some more.  If your brother is getting rewarded then let him do all the work.

This! Really let that sink in. That's the heart of the matter.

We are only as good as what we can do for them.

Once you become less useful, they have no use for you.

[nanotech]

You are only important to them when you are doing things for them. Say that a few times. I bet it makes it easier to back away some more.  If your brother is getting rewarded then let him do all the work.

This! Really let that sink in. That's the heart of the matter.

We are only as good as what we can do for them.

Once you become less useful, they have no use for you.

Yes!
And moreover,

You are only as good as your last gig!

This is why past help and favours, no matter how fantastic, fail to be appreciated or oftentimes even remembered.

It's whatever you have done for them recently. That's what counts.

[p123]

Thanks all - its not the money, like you said I don't need it. Its the principle.

For years I did everything for Dad and brother did sod all and this is how I'm repaid. To be honest, worst of all, I think is the fact that Dad KNOWS that myself and brother have completely different situations yet he still seems to expect me to do exactly as he does. The only way I could possibly do that would be disown my kids, divorce my wife, move back to my home town. Yet he still seems to expect it!

It has driven another wedge between us I must admit. The way I feel at the moment is I'd be happy if I never saw him again....

[Adrianna]

You are only important to them when you are doing things for them. Say that a few times. I bet it makes it easier to back away some more.  If your brother is getting rewarded then let him do all the work.

This! Really let that sink in. That's the heart of the matter.

We are only as good as what we can do for them.

Once you become less useful, they have no use for you.

Yes!
And moreover,

You are only as good as your last gig!

This is why past help and favours, no matter how fantastic, fail to be appreciated or oftentimes even remembered.

It's whatever you have done for them recently. That's what counts.

100% true.

I used to say I was only as good as the last thing I did for her. All past efforts were erased, and it was as if I had never done a thing,  if what she wants this minute I refuse.

I started to see the only times she was really nice to me were right after I did something for her. I realize now I was being manipulated to be her servant. A small positive reinforcement for a job well done.

[Adrianna]

Thanks all - its not the money, like you said I don't need it. Its the principle.

For years I did everything for Dad and brother did sod all and this is how I'm repaid. To be honest, worst of all, I think is the fact that Dad KNOWS that myself and brother have completely different situations yet he still seems to expect me to do exactly as he does. The only way I could possibly do that would be disown my kids, divorce my wife, move back to my home town. Yet he still seems to expect it!

It has driven another wedge between us I must admit. The way I feel at the moment is I'd be happy if I never saw him again....

You're probably right. They expect us to give up our lives to serve them.

My grandmother at one point wanted me to sell my home and buy a duplex so she could move in next door and have a handy servant. I laughed and told her not happening! 

I changed jobs 10 years ago because the company was going bankrupt. It was stressful as I worked in the department that paid the bills. I was absolutely miserable there. Once I left for a new job, I refused to give her my new work phone number. I didn't want her calling me with her fake drama and demands.

Probably 6 months into the new job, which she knew I was enjoying, she asks if the other company would hire me back. I said why would I want to go back there? The company had been sold but it was a miserable chapter I wanted to put behind me. Her answer?

" I could call you then at work. I can't call you now."

NO concern for me, my job, my happiness or the fact that previous job was extremely stressful and did a number on my well-being.

They LITERALLY ONLY CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES.

[Seven]

You are only important to them when you are doing things for them. Say that a few times. I bet it makes it easier to back away some more.  If your brother is getting rewarded then let him do all the work.

This is the attitude my Sis's have told me to have as well.  And I'm really really trying.  It's easy for them to say.  They're all hundreds to 1000s of miles away.  I'm the only local "daughter"

I'm conflicted though.  I mean, Bro5 would drop everything to help anyone at any time, including myself, but he manipulates people as well.  He has also verbally expressed he "loves the drama". I see what he does and I see what he's capable of and they just don't jive.

I'm getting to the point I'm ready to move now and not later.

[blacksheep7]

By the way, I was the GC, though believe me, it was not love.  It was more servitude.  And an intrusive, entangled, sickening nightmare.

I think this is where a lot of us Scapegoats get stuck. It took me a long time to see but the GC is not loved more than the SC or even favored. In many ways GC have it much harder than the SC. I have nothing but compassion for my GC sister. I see how much she battles to do basic "adulting". Being the GC has only held her back. Being the SC is what ultimately enabled me to flourish.

PDs NEVER act out of love. It's all manipulation to get that they want.

I was a GC and FM when I was in the heavy Fog, twenty yrs ago.  NM/F wanted me to contact bro the eldest to convince him to come and visit  more often since (lived 1.5 hrs away by car) we were very close in age and had a certain camaraderie in our teens But never talked about the abuse. I tried many times over the years and quit when I understood that he wasn't interested.

He was also given money when asked even though both were working good jobs and had no children!  I heard later on that my sil liked going to the casino.
I never asked NF/M for money.  My NF would criticize his gifts if they weren't to his liking.     He was something else...

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I should say I was the GC for one parent.  And the scapegoat for the other parent plus other family members, many of whom hated ME, not her, ( bc she was too scary to be openly mad at) for the fact that she wasn't scapegoating me the way she was everyone else.  I didn't get any money, or much of anything other than the caretaker job and the expectation that I would think, act, believe, and be a mirror image of her (except I was to be the parent and she the dependent).  As long as I did all that really well, she thought I was great.  When I stopped as a teen, she did verbal abuse and  the silent treatment.  My self esteem could not have been more in the toilet, where I've been working to retrieve it from for decades.

So, yeah, P123,  "What have you done for me lately?" is the PD tune.  And all that hard work over a long period does not build any stockpile in the "goodwill bank."  It means little over the long run, except possibly setting up the expectation you should always do that, plus some more.    And maybe even more rage because they know you're capable of jumping to their demands, they've seen you do it, except NOW you're just refusing, for no good reason,  to be that good family member you *should* be.

[lkdrymom]

My grandmother at one point wanted me to sell my home and buy a duplex so she could move in next door and have a handy servant. I laughed and told her not happening! 

I changed jobs 10 years ago because the company was going bankrupt. It was stressful as I worked in the department that paid the bills. I was absolutely miserable there. Once I left for a new job, I refused to give her my new work phone number. I didn't want her calling me with her fake drama and demands.

Probably 6 months into the new job, which she knew I was enjoying, she asks if the other company would hire me back. I said why would I want to go back there? The company had been sold but it was a miserable chapter I wanted to put behind me. Her answer?

" I could call you then at work. I can't call you now."

NO concern for me, my job, my happiness or the fact that previous job was extremely stressful and did a number on my well-being.

They LITERALLY ONLY CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES.

This sounds so much like my father. My aunt was looking at apartments near my father...her got the wrong idea and thought she was moving to be closer to him.  (She was actually looking into senior apts for him). He was so excited "She can drive me to the doctor and drive me to the store and drive me to the casino....."  I asked him why she would move up here away from her own family and his answer was "she can drive me to the doctor and she can drive me to the store and she can drive me to the casino".  He honestly thought my aunt should move away from her own children to move near him so she can DO things for him.  And he thought this would be an attractive offer to my aunt.

[nanotech]

My grandmother at one point wanted me to sell my home and buy a duplex so she could move in next door and have a handy servant. I laughed and told her not happening! 

I changed jobs 10 years ago because the company was going bankrupt. It was stressful as I worked in the department that paid the bills. I was absolutely miserable there. Once I left for a new job, I refused to give her my new work phone number. I didn't want her calling me with her fake drama and demands.

Probably 6 months into the new job, which she knew I was enjoying, she asks if the other company would hire me back. I said why would I want to go back there? The company had been sold but it was a miserable chapter I wanted to put behind me. Her answer?

" I could call you then at work. I can't call you now."

NO concern for me, my job, my happiness or the fact that previous job was extremely stressful and did a number on my well-being.

They LITERALLY ONLY CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES.

This sounds so much like my father. My aunt was looking at apartments near my father...her got the wrong idea and thought she was moving to be closer to him.  (She was actually looking into senior apts for him). He was so excited "She can drive me to the doctor and drive me to the store and drive me to the casino....."  I asked him why she would move up here away from her own family and his answer was "she can drive me to the doctor and she can drive me to the store and she can drive me to the casino".  He honestly thought my aunt should move away from her own children to move near him so she can DO things for him.  And he thought this would be an attractive offer to my aunt.

A couple years ago my dad rang me  and said ' I know what YOU'LL be doing on your 60 th birthday.! Driving me to the city hospital for my  procedure!!' Then he laughed, proper nasty ha ha's.
Being Out of the FOG by then, I said no. I told him that I disliked driving in unfamiliar cities, and so he would have to make other arrangements.
He was amazed that I refused. I live the furthest from him. My three sibs live close to him. I would have had to drive 30 plus miles to his home then drive with him (and his non stop back seat driving)  into the city which is at least an hour away, a city that's busy and not one that I've ever driven in. Find the hospital. Then wait while he waited for his procedure, then wait while he had his procedure. Then wait while he recovered and had something to eat. Then drive him home at the busiest time with his non-stop talking about the procedure, then finally be expected to stay over night with him, while he non -stop talked all night into the early hours.
Also!  I can't BREATHE in that bungalow. He never opens any windows 'in case someone tries to climb in.'  I mean hello, get some window locks that allow it open a little way?  He won't risk that but he risks suffocating!
Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant!  He really can talk a person into the ground. He's always done it, but he'd get to a point where mum would tell him to be quiet 🤐 and he would be. He loved mum. He'd shut up like a little kid. Without mum he's like a running tap. No one can be talked at for hours on end.  Those who've studied, can you remember trying to stay awake in two hour lectures?  They were soporific. Dad can go on for much MUCH longer, has no teaching ability , it's preaching,. I'm really REALLY not exaggerating.
After just an hour of it I feel like crying. And these days, it's all anger, negativity and indignance at the world.  It's exhausting.