Do they always think we hate them?

[Blueberry Pancakes]

If you are VLC with your parents or siblings or have instilled boundaries, do they always only come the conclusion that it is because we hate them?  Is it a narcissist's black and white thinking or lack of ability to self-assess on wrong doings that  leads them to only believe we hate them so have walked away?   
   
I am VLC with parents and no-contact with my GC sibling for two years. I very clearly told my parents that my sister had treated me poorly and I could no longer tolerate it. I also told my parents they showed a similar pattern toward me and even gave them a few examples of what they did. 
   
I stopped explaining or justifying myself two years ago though.  Now occasions of VLC with parents has underlying tension. My dad who has always been most vocal frequently tells me he knows I hate my sister. He uses the word "hate" frequently when saying anything about what he thinks of me.  According to him, I hate my whole family. Is this normal?

I have never once used that word, never said I hated any of them, and it is not how I feel.  I think others here would understand. It is difficult to navigate VLC when your family describes you in this way, and nearly impossible to have peace in any relationship with them.   
 

[Ladymm]

Blueberry pancakes, I think they do! I think they think we are evil beings who have some passion and contentment from hating them. They cant explain themselves the low contatct i think, because they think they can t watch themselves in the mirror and accept the percieved abandonement. They cant see their part in it and they couldnt see it when there was a chance for these relationship to be repaired, maaany moons ago.

[GettingOOTF]

My ex would recount events that were nothing at all like what actually happened. He’d say “you said ...” and come out with something I simply wouldn’t say. I had a photo of us on my desk. He came up with this story that we’d had a huge fight just before it was taken and that I’d ruined the day. We were with his mother, it was a nice day.

He genuinely believed the things he came up with.

[LemonLime]

Yeah, I recognize this.  They just see things so very very differently, and actually appear to believe their version to the core.

That is what makes me most sad, and sure that my PD relationships cannot ever be even close to normal relationships. 
Our completely different world views and interpretation of events makes it impossible.   

[lotusblume]

Yeah, I got that too. Even though I JADE-Ed until the cows came home. Even though I tried different approaches. Even though I explicitly pointed out that it was a result/consequence of abuses and mistreatment towards me. I was accused of being hateful, hating everyone, and what I assume are tons of projection feelings. I actually to this day am still mourning those losses. I do not hate them. I have tried my best to resuscitate those relationships.

It comes from not playing your role anymore. Tons of animosity is projected your way, I believe. It is distorted thinking.

[GettingOOTF]

I was so shocked when I found out about projections. It changed almost every single inter action I had with my ex

[Psuedonym]

I think PDs, because of their black and white thinking, always lean on logic fallacies to prop themselves up. In your case its the false dilemma, which I think all of us have experienced way too much: https://www.logicallyfallacious.com/logicalfallacies/False-Dilemma

An example, which I'm sure we're all familiar with:
You: When you screamed at me and called me names, that was not okay.
PD: Oh well I guess I'm the worst mother in the world. You always hated me!



It's really a way of shifting responsibility and changing the subject by gaslighting you into believing that you're the problem. I don't know if they're aware that they're doing it, or if it really matters.

[Boat Babe]

It is blame shifting. Rather than acknowledge that you are protecting yourself from further abuse the PDs blame you. It's all your fault. You are the one with the problem. You hate me/her/him/us.

You didn't cause this, you can't change this and you can't cure this.  You can walk away from this though.

Sending much love ❤️

[Hepatica]

Psuedonym, the example you used is my mother to a T. Her tyranny always involved screaming and when one of us told her to stop, she'd say: "Oh, it's always me. I'm always the bad one." I think when they realize their screaming and yelling doesn't get what they want, they then use the pity ploy. Poor me. I'm the bad one. My whole childhood revolved around my mother's fits and pity ploys afterward.

My father is more the type of the master story spinner. If he feels someone is going to reveal the dysfunction behind the family mask, he spins the story making it look like the victim is the perpetrator.

Merely setting a boundary with them is enough to set them off. When I finally stood up to my sister and said that I am not going to visit my NPD mother in hospital during the hours she was setting for me, that instead I'd go in the evenings so my husband would protect me, my sister spun the story and all of her friends that we shared on FB, unfriended me. I'd love to know what she told them. But even when I explained to her that I have trauma from my mother's behaviour that is unhealed, she made me the bad guy and spun the story that I hated my mother and caused my sister nothing but pain bc I wouldn't do daytime shifts. My sister's so charming, she had friends coming from 2 hours away to visit my mother, in her place. People will do anything for my sister. It's amazing.

It's all so tiring but yes, they probably do use the word hate, and say that I hate them. I don't hate them. I am at a loss with them. I feel immense sadness. But being around them is far too painful.

[Lisa]

Psuedonym and Hepatica,  I feel like I am reading something I wrote!  Psuedonym,  thank you for the link to further information.
I often hear
"I guess I'm just the worst Mom"
"I can never get it right with you"
"I'm always in trouble for what I say"
"After everything you put me through"
"Don't be so dramatic"
"Don't get upset" (usually before saying something)

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thanks everyone for replying. Good to know I am not alone in this.   

[doglady]

Yep, mine say I hate them, too. I used to JADE and say I didn't but not anymore (I'm VVVVVVVVVVVLC). I don't hate them, I just choose not to be around them, for the sake of my mental health. You can still love someone but know they're not a safe or healthy person to be around. But for them, love equals being in FOO's pockets and complete blind compliance to their dictates.

Pseudonym nails it when she says that them saying we hate them is 'really a way of shifting responsibility and changing the subject by gaslighting you into believing that you're the problem.'

Like many others' PD parents here, my mother, along with claiming that I hate her, would, when challenged on anything at all, would invariably dissolve into tearful histrionics and cry loudly, 'Am I really that terrible?' among other strange and dramatic catchphrases - honestly, I could've played PD bingo with them they were so predictable. And then I was supposed to reassure her that, No, of course she'd actually been Mother of the Century (TM). Didn't fall into that trap.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yuuuuuup!!!!

Mine wailed to a friend, "We've failed with all our children!" Right after I went NC and my siblings wouldn't get involved with bringing me back into the fold. Hoping to be reassured it was us, sometimes good parents get bad children, whatever. She's played that game a lot. Say something actually true and wait to be contradicted.

The friend said, "Cordelia learned to stand up for herself, and the other two are respecting her, so maybe not as bad as you think."

No longer friends. 

[freedom77]

I can relate. My PD mother does the same thing. She's a borderline and N, diagnosed. We are NC now for the most part, meaning I do still read some of her emails because I feel so threatened by her. I never know what she's gonna pull next.
I used to JADE badly, but have made a lot of improvement with that.
Anytime I pointed out mistreatment, disagreed with her on something, even something trivial like shoe color, she'd dramatically plunge into self pity mode. Gaslighting, projection, blaming. Comments like you've always hated me, why do you hate me so much, you're a hateful person, you always have to be right...stuff like that.

[Fortuna]

I'm not sure why it is but it seems they have to put thoughts into us. I struggle with wondering if it's from black and white thinking or if it is some kind of projection about how they feel about us. Or if it's just one more grand manipulation to try to make us prove we really don't hate them so we come back and do/say the things they want to hear. My mother would tell me I didn't love her and that I wanted her dead. Right after I called her out on stepping over a boundary. Crazy making!

[Hepatica]

I think now, more and more that's they are all so similar, and they all about control and trickery. If they can manipulate our empathy to feel sorry for them, then they can continue engaging in their disordered behaviour, which perhaps deep down they are afraid they cannot change anyway.

They believe we have no right to ask them to change, because they control things, not us, so they will pull out all the strategies, one is to try to make us feel guilty for asking them to change, by suggesting we hate them so we we'll then back off. You're right, it is black and white thinking isn't it? It's love them or hate them, no in between. If they are on the NPD spectrum they do believe they are superior to us, so don't dare tell them what to do because can't we see, their perfect mask! 

[Spring Butterfly]

Yes. Narcissistic injury.

Not long ago I got the waify "I don't bother with you because I don't think you love me or want to hear from me" hoover. Right. Never have I ever said or did anything to indicate that because I don't feel that way at all. I'd love a mother who cares enough to ask me how I am. It's my heart longing but I have up hope a long time ago. All I hear is silence unless *I* reach out to *them* and I accept that but don't have the energy to keep reaching out.

Her response to my reply? That she forgives me for making her feel that way and let's move on. I archived the convo and went about my day.

Yup I can relate to all you said Blueberry Pancakes