Should I build up the courage

[SITFS]

I am tired of constantly feeling like I have to ask to do things. Before my relationship, I was adventurous and went out and did so many different things. Now I find myself stuck in the house all the time because he doesn't want to go out and doesn't want me out alone. He also tells me if I leave he's going to lock the door and all my stuff will be on the front lawn. It's been even more so since having our baby. Now I can't leave without him. I can't even take our baby on a walk on our private road. I want to so badly because I feel like my baby is losing out on so many great experiences being inside. But I don't know how he will react if I say I'm going somewhere and standing up for myself. I think he will try to stand in my way and take the baby out of my arms.

Has anyone had any experience with a person with PD actually wanting and keeping full custody? I get threatened with this a lot but doesn't spend time with him unless absolutely necessary. I want to take the plunge but not ready. I feel guilty... I feel obligated. I want to say why but I'm still in fear he will find this and too many specifics will give away who I am.

[hhaw]

Your instinct to not let the pd know what you're thinking is good, IME.

Document your situation........can you record conversations legally in your State?  Can you videotape?

Make a good plan, get everything in place and ask for help.

Once the pd knows your plans the pd throws up road block after roadblock and manufactures chaos you can't even begin to imagine, IME.

Safety is a factor to consider when leaving.

What are your resources?  Who do you know?  What agencies are in your area?

Calm yourself down....breathe deeply....this will help you think clearly.....being calm will help you find solutions and put together a solid plan, IME.

Research meditation and emotional regulation.

Play with your baby and really look that child in the eye and connect.

You have the choice to worry worry worry OR do what you can in the moment and put the story in the shelf.....live in the moment with your child and show them how to cope with stress in a healthier way.

Children tend to wire the way their primary caretaker is wired.  How will that be?

Anxious and fearful?
Or empowered with the ability to discern fact from fear?

The saying...
Keep your head where your feet are.  In the moment, not worrying about a multitude of what ifs.

One problem.....consider possible solutions.....make the best choice then put it down and be present with your child for a while.

One thing to consider is how to make notes and keep evidence safe from pd.  That's a good place to begin, IME.

Passwords secure?
Can you find a goid,g place to secure anything you don't want the pd to find?

Breathe and know you can do this.  Trust yourself to do your best, then support your ability to get through this.

Maybe start a thread here to make notes where the pd can't discover them.

But breathe.....focus on filling your lungs from the bottom....pooch out you tummy and fill them like a vase....and pay attention to your breath.  Set a timer....2 minutes....4 minutes.

Then open your eyes and notice colors and shapes around you.  What do you see?  Smell?

Now....what do you feel in your body?  Is there tension?  Pain?  Put your hands over UT and name it.

Is it hot?  Sharp? Dull? Tense?  Give it a number of intensity from 1 to 10 then return to your breathing while focusing on the sensation in your body.  Breathe 10 times, then check your number.  Did it imprive?  If so, continue until it's a 0 or stops improving.

If no improvement, maybe push on a door frame with all your strength while breathing mindfully for 10 breaths....fill lungs bottom to top, like a vase, then sit Dow.n again and focus on some part if your body that feels neutral.....and breathe again.  How does that part if your body feel after 10 breaths? 

Cultivating the ability to regulate your emotions will gift you yourself back as a resource, IME.

You aren't powerless.  You will move yourself and your child out if this situation.

How can you keep a calendar diary to document your experience?  Private and secure....secret and safe.

Be kind to yourself....show tour child how to be kind to their own little heart.  You're modeling self care and coping strategies your child will likely carry for a lifetime.

Teach your child to meditate.  Research yoga and make a game if it.  Sit on the stoop or in the yard and notice nature.  Do yoga in the grass, perhaps, but notice your peripheral vision.  Notice the spaciousness above you..beside you...beneath you. 

Talk to your child about what you're learning...,share the lessons and play....dance.

Your plan will come together as you work on yourself.  If you're safe from physical harm.....trust all will be well and enjoy your baby now.  Every day. 

Work on your plan, then do what you can....then put it down and work on yourself and cultivating joy with your child.  Get into a flow with it...if you can.

You can go through this white knuckled and hyperventilating or you can call yourself, accept your situation as it is and work on solutions while joyfully engaging with your child. 

You have choices.

You can breathe and consider your responses instead of reacting all the time.

Don't let the pd's words and actions drive you crazy.

Consider the source....he's broken and unable to do better.....then remember you have choices....and choose the best thing in that moment.

Nothing will be perfect, but you can still connect with your child, SEE your child, validate your child and be an emotional fortress of safety.

That you can do well in any moment.

When you can't, be gentle with yourself.

Drop all judgment.

Get super curious about your inner world and pay attention.  Maybe keep a journal separate for that, as you can.  Be fearlessly honest and accepting if everything about yourself.

And remember to breathe....and play with your child.

It's going to be ok.  There are wise experienced posters here.....they'll help you on your journey.

This too shall pass.  It will.

In the meantine...
Radical acceptance us your friend.  Accept what you can't change and focus on what you can.

[WantingBetter]

I struggled with this exact thing. I felt trapped in the house because if I did decide to take the kids to the park or for a drive or even around the block for a walk it was a fight when we got back. He has destroyed some of the kids stuff and almost all of mine. Even if I was overly honest about things to the point of being uncomfortable in my own skin with what I was sharing with him he still never believed me or ended up using it against me. He called me sneaky even when I wasn't doing anything so from my experience it is necessary with people like this. They will use anything they can to manipulate you. I did leave with the kids. A few times. This time I'm out for good. But it was hard, scary, and I am still riddled with guilt about taking the kids BUT this is the happiest and most relaxed I've ever seen my kids. It was the right decision. If you can do it safely you need to find resources for helping with controlling partners in your area. Do you have a support system outside of the relationship? You have to be careful for your safety and your child's. For me I had to get some free consultations with family lawyers in my area. My kid's dad isn't legitimized and we aren't married so I had full legal right to leave with the kids. I had to pack what I could carry in my arms and leave. I couldn't go back to get anything so I grabbed a bag of clothes, diapers, formula, a few bottles, a blanket and then left. It's hard but we are rebuilding and doing so much better for it. Another thing that was hard for me to realize was if he is stopping activities that help your child's development because he is so concerned about what you're doing then he doesn't have your child's best interest at heart. That can be painful but it can be motivation to do the best thing for you and your child. Be careful. Keeping your intention to leave something toxic is NOT WRONG if you are doing it to stay safe. You have a baby, your safety is number one right now.

[hhaw]

Keeping an intention to leave a controlling pd secret is necessary, IME.

I wish I had.

[SITFS]

I can't record because it is illegal where I am. I have a private email where I have been documenting I just don't know how it would hold up in court. I feel so guilty because he lost his father who was very close with him and he tells me that he couldn't make it without me. I don't want to be the reason he does something because I leave him. I ultimately will care for my baby I'm just nervous. I've been looking at how I can afford things and save money. He pretends he has a job which I know he doesn't because he has never deposited a check into our account but always takes money out. He always tells me I can't spend any money but I'm the one who's working. If I took money out it would be noticeable. I don't have support but that's because He has alienated me from my family. There's always a reason why my family doesn't like him or has done something wrong to him when that is certainly not the case. I can't talk to them because he monitors my calls and texts and I feel it would not be able to be kept a secret. I want to talk to a counselor but I don't know how I can go about doing this secretly. I want to leave but I also know he's going to try to fight for full custody. I just don't know how long I will have to plan to get out of the situation.

[WantingBetter]

That can be hard, my ex put spyware on my phone, recorders in the car, cameras around the house. It was nuts. If you have a private email you can do some correspondence through that. I had to get help from family because I couldn't afford it on my own either and I was the only one working for the first year or so too. Once he got a job it was easier for me to get ahold of my family. It took me awhile to plan things out and they still went wrong the day I left. He was supposed to go to work and I was going to pack the car and leave but he ended up staying home from work and we got in a fight so I had to just go. So definitely work on your plan but don't stress yourself too hard if it doesn't go exactly how you think it will. Do you have neighbors around or do you live in a secluded spot? I moved the kids outside so the neighbors were around when he  tried fighting with me about leaving. I was prepared to call the cops if he tried to take our son (he's a baby still), even tho I didn't want to, but if it got to that point then it looks better for you when it comes to custody because it shows some of his controlling behavior. Documenting things like that will help your case in why he doesn't need custody. Also think about who has more capability of taking care of not just financial needs, but emotional and developmental needs of your child. I know it's stressful to think he might get custody but try to think about what he really would be able to provide and prove he could provide. And easier said than done but try to think of a solution for one thing at a time, I got caught up on everything at once and it made it all too overwhelming and I ended up staying a lot longer because I thought I couldn't do it. Think about where you could go. Then think about how to get there. Then think about financial stuff. Whatever order you need to put things in, but just try to focus on getting an answer for one thing at a time. Does that make sense? I hope it's helpful. And definitely go with your gut and what feels right. Each situation can be similar but it's unique so I can only give suggestions and tell how my situation played out. Good luck, try to stay calm, and think rationally as much as you can. Keep us updated when you can.

[hhaw]

SITSF:

You sound pretty level to me.

That bodes well for your ability to plan and execute a plan, IME.

About recording.....it may be illegal to do it, but it's unlikely to be a problem if you aren't trying to use it in court.

IF you record. PD behavior you can show your attorney, victim advocate, family members, friends and neighbors what you're dealing with.  That can be a tremendous help, IME.

2nd....
If he ever touches you in anger.....I mean tosses the tv button too hard at you....call the police and have him arrested.

If he threatens you....gets violent, destroys property....call the police.

Most women don't report abuse or file charges when abuse begins.  It's a problem, take my word for it.  It's a mistake to let the PD believe he can assault you without consequence, IME.

Think of the advice you'd give a friend in your situation....please.  Keep in mind PD will escalate, manipulate you and manufacture unbelievable chaos to gain your compliance once he suspects you're changing or readying to go.

What would you tell a young niece or daughter to do in your situation?  Surely, not take abuse or be controlled by it if she could help it.

Lastly, for now, your PD list his father and that's sad.  It doesn't give him the right to mistreat you then AND guilt you into feeling obligated to keep him sane, alive or whatever he's threatening.  In fact I'd call 811 likely if he threatened suicide and have him taken in for a psych evaluation for everyone's safety....but you know your situation better than I do. 

I'm trying to share lessons, not order you about.

Having empathy for an abuser costs too much right now....you have a baby and yoyrself to protect.

Isolating you....controllong you....scaring you....its all abuse.  I never see things get better....they always escalate, IME.

You're modeling family and marriage for your child.  Is this what you want your child to carry in their heart, mind, skin and bones as " normal."

We carry trauma in our bodies.

Our brains wire according to our causes and conditions.

I guess you work from home?

It appears you can contact people through a mail....maybe consider contacting agencies and family/ friends/ attorneys that way.

Honestly, it seems extremely dangerous you can't make a phone call bc you're so controlled., imo.

Please don't deny, ignore or minimize that.

You dont5deserve that treatment.  It's wrong and disordered.  You can get yourself out of it.

[Penny Lane]

Hi, I just want to add along with the excellent advice, here is a checklist/fact sheet about leaving an abusive relationship. Hopefully some of this info is helpful.

[Boat Babe]

This is coercive control and is now a criminal offense in the UK. Imo this will get worse until you no longer have the will to leave. Please get out now while you still can. Be very aware of what others here are saying about secrecy and forward planning, it may save your life. Imo you should contact your nearest domestic violence organisation and ask them for refuge.
Please keep talking to us and don't believe a word he says.