Emotionally unavailable mothers and long-term impact

[Spring Butterfly]

Recently I decided to pick up and reread Will I Ever Be Good Enough again with new eyes and having come further along in my healing. She makes a point of saying this is not about blame and not about being a victim.

This regarding emotionally unavailable mothers really head home. That feeling of never being enough just keeps lingering...

She tries her hardest to make a genuine connection with Mom, but fails, and thinks that the problem of rarely being able to please her mother lies within herself. This teaches the daughter that she is unworthy of love. The daughter's notion of mother-daughter love is warped; she feels she must "earn" a close connection by seeing to Mom's needs and constantly doing what it takes to please her. Clearly, this isn't the same as feeling loved. Daughters of narcissistic mothers sense that their picture of love is distorted, but they don't know what the real picture would look like. This early, learned equation of love—pleasing another with no return for herself—has far-reaching, negative effects

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=29251.0

[Starboard Song]

I see this in my DW.

When my son is frustrated by a parenting decision, she feels attacked and needs to defend herself. A simple directive turns into a debate. I look at him quietly, let him speak his peace, and confirm, "I understand, but it's a no." And that is the end of it. 

She always feels a little under threat, a little unsafe. When we recently received mail from her uBPDM, her reaction was far more visceral than mine, like the pages of the letter were dirty.

I don't think those of us who didn't experience it growing up, or in a long-term intimate relationship, have to deal with the same scarring. If you are in my role, as a support person, it is important to remember we are watching our loved one through the looking glass.

[MamaDryad]

Starboard Song - your phrasing struck a chord with me. I was recently talking to someone who knows my uBPD mother, and I told her that my mom had passed on to me a profound sense that there is no safe place in the world. She was abused, horribly. She abused me... less horribly, but still in a way that damaged my sense of safety for life.

I struggle a lot with the knowledge of how formative those early years are because my son is four, and I only got myself into therapy last November. Only started working on myself, only realized there was something to work on (instead of just a lost cause who was rotten to the core) maybe ten years ago. I worry a lot that I started too late.

He's an anxious and sensitive kid, as I was. I hope that's just our nature (for which I was shamed and mocked by family, which he will never be) and the nature of the times we live in, and not an indication that I've passed on the trauma.

I do try to do what my DW (not raised by PD) would do when I'm at a loss, which creates some challenges in the dynamic between me and her but can sometimes give me a good barometer for how to react when he's pushing my buttons.

[treesgrowslowly]

Thanks for posting this Spring Butterfly. I too go back to books to read them with new eyes every so often.

Where I am at with that particular books topic, is that I see with my own eyes now that the NPD mother injures her daughter(s) in a profound way. The narcissism attacks at the healthy child's desire for love and safety.

If we walked by a house and could see toxic smoke filling every room, and we then saw a little baby in that house we would do everything in our power to get the baby out of the smoke filled house.

Narcissistic parenting is just as toxic. But because it is more invisible, few people detect it. The child is left there. The abuse goes on and on and on.

If more people read that book then maybe survivors of narc abuse would not be so misunderstood so often.

Trees

[freedom77]

 

so right treesgrowslowly...those who are not enlightened about narcissistic parenting do not understand just how damaging it is. They are the ones who say "but they're your family", "but you only have one mother", "family is everything" "without family you have nothing"...quite discouraging sentiments for those of us who know otherwise...

[blacksheep7]

My third book after Toxic Parents and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

I also like going back to the books I read and highlighted,  without the rage that I once had in me.

It was a ah ha moment to finally understand who my M was, the Ignoring Mother. As I have mentionned in my posts, it was NF who controlled the family dynamics But NM enabled it saying we were «bad kids».

We were hungry for Love and Attention.   

[treesgrowslowly]

Once we get some distance from the NM, so much is needed still.

What I'm working with is creating those validating and nurturing experiences for myself. Few people understand that either. They live in their bubble, where perhaps things are ok inside for them.

They are not like us. As starboard song said here, it is through a looking glass for those who didn't experience it first hand. I don't even try to explain myself to most people anymore. No point.

Trees

[Jolie40]

husband and I hug our child daily -never miss a night time hug

I don't recall ever being hugged growing up

recall times mom could have hugged me to comfort & baffled as to why not?
only 9 when we were moving away & I was crying cause leaving my best friend
mom caught me crying & said "don't let your dad see you crying, this is hard enough on him already"

no hug, no comfort

due to things like that,  I try to be aware when my girl needs extra hugs or comfort
we always tell her, "we're here for you"

[Spring Butterfly]

don't recall ever being hugged growing up

me neither so it was physically unavailable in addition to emotionally unavailable, double whammy

[Hepatica]

I wasn't hugged either, or ever comforted when i cried. I was left on my own. Now I am awkward with hugs but I try. I feel like I am always trying to be a "normal" person when I have this invisible loss that no one else can see. I feel as if I was utterly unprepared for life and I hate to be down in the dumps, but I feel so sad about all of this today.

[Boat Babe]

Here's big hugs for you all 

[HelenP]

I don't recall ever being hugged growing up

Same here! My mother was actually proud she never hugged me! I noticed massage makes me feel very happy and I wonder if this because my brain takes it as 'hugs.'

[WinterStar]

I hate to be down in the dumps, but I feel so sad about all of this today.

You have every right to be sad! I don't hate that you are down in the dumps. I hate that you were never hugged nor comforted! That must have compounded your sadness. A small child should never have to feel sad and then realize they are completely on their own, which is much sadder and incredibly terrifying.

I think PD parents often steal our right to grieve. Their rejection of our emotions leads us to believe that our emotions are a burden that needs to be carried completely by ourselves.

[Boat Babe]

Winterstar. The last thing you said hit me like a truck. They steal our right to grieve. That we carry all the burden of our emotions ourselves. And we experience that as CHILDREN!  Dear God.   That was me as a kid. And you guys.

Time for some self compassion work.  Much live to all. ❤️

[Hepatica]

WinterStar

Thank you. Thank you for having the proper response to all of this, which I don't know if can be described as outrage, but it's close. You're right about the sadness having to be carried alone, compounding over the years became a type of anxiety and depression I've had for my entire life. The interesting thing is lately I've finally felt anger and outrage and it's been a very refreshing new feeling of empowerment. I was never allowed my anger either as a child, so i was completely disarmed in the world and have had a bad time protecting myself the way kids who are raised healthily learn to do.

Yep. I'd bet that along with the trauma symptoms, my depressions have been unresolved grief.

Thank you for hating what they did to me and all of us. It feels so good to have allies in this healing journey. I am definitely with Boat Babe on this. Lots and lots of lots of self-compassion.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I am just seeing this thread which is right where I am today with a heart of grief. 

Yes, stealing our right to grieve, to have anger, to have a self . . . to be anything except the purpose they had us for -  being in servitude to their needs.   

I've had a life of looking for a true home in this world, a place where I really belong and don't have to worry that I'll be found wanting, or just too invisible to matter.  I remember hearing long ago that the wound is about "mattering."    When parents have a PD, you don't matter, you can't.  There's no room to.

I know it has to come from inside now.  And I'm doing that work.  And when I feel like a lost child, accepting that lost child right where she is.  She's worthy of love.  After many years, that's something I can finally give myself.   That's a huge thing to be grateful for on this sad day.

[Spring Butterfly]

I don't even try to explain myself to most people anymore. No point.

as a side point over the years I've gone back and forth between wanting other people to see, desiring external validation and internal strength and validation, but I've settled and come to the point where I don't really care what other people think of the whole thing. In my heart I believe many people see something is off but no if someone has not lived and breathed abuse from childhood there is no understanding completely and that's why places like this community are a sanctuary. It takes few words to provoke a collective understanding knodding of the heads and we know that here.We feel it from one another. And yet we recognize our individuality, our individual damage, and our individual healing journey.
______


From the age of six I was responsible for myself emotionally. Lots of factors involved not just PD and the adults in my life just didn't have the capacity. With uPDm though there was another layer because if I was anything other than happy I had to go to my room until "I learned to get myself under control" whether I was crying, angry, frustrated, whatever emotion it was that was not happy and cheerful. Not only was I invalidated and not permitted to feel, I was given no guidance as to exactly what getting myself under control entailed so I stuffed it down and put on a happy face. Eventually I learned how not to even feel emotions in the first place. It was beyond stuffing I didn't even recognize they existed within me. Once I began my healing journey I had to actually go back to how a parent would teach a toddler about feelings and that really helped. In that way it was sort of like calling on my internal mother.

What I'm working with is creating those validating and nurturing experiences for myself. Few people understand that either. They live in their bubble, where perhaps things are ok inside for them.

I know it has to come from inside now.  And I'm doing that work.  And when I feel like a lost child, accepting that lost child right where she is.  She's worthy of love.  After many years, that's something I can finally give myself.   That's a huge thing to be grateful for on this sad day.

That's a really beautiful place to be and that internal mothering really needs to take place. There's so many critical keys to healing. To me the whole book is like a road map and I keep referring back to it to see where I am.

[blacksheep7]

______
From the age of six I was responsible for myself emotionally. Lots of factors involved not just PD and the adults in my life just didn't have the capacity. With uPDm though there was another layer because if I was anything other than happy I had to go to my room until "I learned to get myself under control" whether I was crying, angry, frustrated, whatever emotion it was that was not happy and cheerful. Not only was I invalidated and not permitted to feel, I was given no guidance as to exactly what getting myself under control entailed so I stuffed it down and put on a happy face. Eventually I learned how not to even feel emotions in the first place. It was beyond stuffing I didn't even recognize they existed within me. Once I began my healing journey I had to actually go back to how a parent would teach a toddler about feelings and that really helped. In that way it was sort of like calling on my internal mother.

[bloomie]

From the age of six I was responsible for myself emotionally. Lots of factors involved not just PD and the adults in my life just didn't have the capacity. With uPDm though there was another layer because if I was anything other than happy I had to go to my room until "I learned to get myself under control" whether I was crying, angry, frustrated, whatever emotion it was that was not happy and cheerful. Not only was I invalidated and not permitted to feel, I was given no guidance as to exactly what getting myself under control entailed so I stuffed it down and put on a happy face. Eventually I learned how not to even feel emotions in the first place. It was beyond stuffing I didn't even recognize they existed within me. Once I began my healing journey I had to actually go back to how a parent would teach a toddler about feelings and that really helped. In that way it was sort of like calling on my internal mother.

Exactly this with being instructed to go to my room and "pray" as the only way to get my unacceptable emotions under control because they are a sin! Ugh!

It wasn't until I found myself weeping at the drop of a hat and had no idea why, that a very wise and wonderful woman said to me..."I think you are pretty angry." Me? Angry? I was NEVER angry! Of course I was! I was so angry!

It was like I had packed away all of my emotions and responses and grief into a suitcase I was lugging around (exhausting) and that had now burst open and there was no stuffing it all back inside again. Messy for sure, but better in time!

To stay safe I also learned to become an extreme stoic. To the point of not feeling or being able to acknowledge even physical pain and reverting to being 'fine' during and after any kind of trauma or terrible scene in my FOO. The primary purpose of my young life was to keep my mother safe and alive as she frequently threatened her own life.

I was never safe, seen, shown affection or approval because honestly, the woman didn't have it to give herself, much less her children she repeately told us were unwanted. And there were always many messages in my mother's smallest of looks, tone of voice, gestures, words, and I learned to be hypervigilant in a defensive posture all of the time. Something I have had to really work through and understand is not necessary to my survival and is no longer serving me well. And my time here, in this group has been a big help in realigning my starting gate position.

Learning to grieve, feel all of the emotions and welcome the gifts they bring (thank you Karla McLaren for your sentinel work), to practice self care and to reject shame and invalidation, stepping into freedom and healing is a steep path, but such a worthy one.

What a tragic and beautifully honest thread this is. So grateful to share this space with each one of you!

[treesgrowslowly]

What a meaningful set of posts and thread this is. Thank you to all here.

What spring butterfly said...no most people will never get it. Only a few can. The others need to believe that since their experience was x then ours was too. I'm a little harsh on this some days. I think around midlife we are old enough to see the world through others eyes. Learn to see what others have been through. Consider what it means when someone had to mother themselves from an early age. At midlife i find more freedom from the charading i did in my 20s and 30s about being the child of a PD parent. 

And I have less patience for people who keep their blinders on about this. It suits them... but it makes communities like this the only place we feel understood.