Finally realised this is where I need to be

[stormbrewing]

I came across this site a few months back now, looking for information on how to support uBPDH and my ability to deal with his behaviours. I experienced a number of lightbulb moments reading through the content, and I have since read a couple of the books that people have recommended in the forums. I had been reluctant to post my introduction, because I really wasn't sure whether I would then post in the 'committed to working on it' forum or the 'separating and divorcing' forum. I struggled with the 'chosen relationships' title, because I can't come to terms with the idea that living this way is a choice.
Until last night I was still half wondering (aka totally in denial) whether maybe things weren't so bad. Maybe this didn't all apply to him, or to me. Telling myself that he is getting help, trying really hard, and doing so well. The only thing that is still a problem in his life is me. He holds down a job, is well liked amongst his friends, is working through childhood trauma with a supportive T (a different story for another thread). I suppose in some ways I wanted the problem to be me, because at least then I could take action and would have some control over the solution. Last night that delusion I was holding on to came crashing down on me in a flood of emotion. It started when I found out what he is saying to people about me, and how he is portraying my request for some space to try to repair out relationship to others in order to gain sympathy and attention (particularly from other women). The more upset I became the meaner he got. And once the realisation hit me the floodgates of emotion opened. I couldn't stop the tears, and he just got nastier.

What I realised was that he actually cannot see me as a person. He sees me as someone who, in the past, has been very good at meeting his needs, but isn't doing a very good job now. He is still here trying because he wants us to go back to when things were good – which was when I was very good at meeting his needs and ignoring my own. I realised that if he can't see that then it won't ever change. I also had to face the reality that the reason that he can't see that, I now know from everything I have read, is most likely because of his uBPD  that I have been so busy hoping wasn't real.

There is so much more to this story, and it has been really difficult, but also helpful, to pick through drafts and drafts of this post to get to the core of the issue. It was confronting to face the level of denial I have been in and how bad of a friend I have been to myself.

So here I am, having finally come to the realisation that this is in fact the right place for me to be.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You are at a painful point in your development and it might happen that you wish you were still in the FOG or even go back into it for a while.
You know this forum already and probably the chosen relationships is the right place for you at the moment, a place to vent, to help each other see things clearly, to get emotional support, and realize you are not alone in this situation. See you around!

[11JB68]

'chosen relationships' vs one we were born into. I don't think any of us chose the reality that we are now facing. We chose the relationship that we thought we were entering into... But not necessarily the current reality.