Hello from The Escape Artist

[TheEscapeArtist]

Where to even start? I could write so much!  But I will try to be brief.

After around a decade with my uNPDX partner I slowly began to realise that I couldn't help her if she wouldn't help herself, and that by sticking around and trying to help her I was making myself ill, as well as contributing to an unhealthy environment for our 5yo daughter. But I couldn't see how I could leave and protect DD unless I took her with me, which my ex would of course never allow (I was only allowed to leave the house on my own to go to work or the supermarket, and never ever on my own with DD).

I was the wage earner, my ex had occasional jobs but she always ended up leaving or being asked to leave after arguing with managers. She only did the elements of childcare she enjoyed, which was basically shopping for clothes and toys (she loves bargain hunting) and liaising with the school (she loves finding fault!).

I did everything else – making sure DD gets up in the morning and is ready for school, doing bedtime routine, waking up in the night with her, spending the quality time of playing and reading, being carer all evenings and weekends (basically whenever I wasn't at work) and, crucially, trying to provide emotional stability and being a healthy adult role model because she wasn't getting any of that from her mother.

But I also knew that my ex would not willingly give up her perceived role as 'primary carer' and I didn't expect to be believed by society at large. I was the man, earning the money; she was the woman, suffering from anxiety but being able to put up a sociable front with the other mums at the schoolgate.  But she can not cope with parenting, regularly yelling and screaming at our daughter for minor things amongst other abusive behaviours.  For a long while I thought I had to stay because that was the only way I could protect my daughter.

I spent a year researching, and secretly contacting abuse support groups and my old friends and family (from whom I'd been isolated) and finally found the nerve to go through with it.  There was a risk that DD would end up living with her mother but I knew I just couldn't live this life anymore.  2  months ago  I told her it was over, and that I was going to seek to be the resident parent because she couldn't cope.

She was very apologetic and agreed to get help for her issues so because of that I agreed that we could negotiate 50/50 instead of me litigating to be resident parent. I know, I know. I guess I was still under gaslight at the time and thought she could change.

2 months on and my ex is in the family home with DD while I have moved out (long story – big mistake – basically me being too nice), and she is now dragging her heels over mediation.  She cancelled the latest session and keeps finding more ways to gradually reduce my current contact time with DD.

And I know the worst is yet to come. If mediation doesn't work (and I know it won't cos you can't negotiate with a PD) then we go to court. And I know that when the solicitors letter lands on her doormat she will be suddenly very, very terrified.  And she will lash out.

Was leaving the hardest thing that I ever had to do? Yes.

Will it get harder? Yes. Probably, lots harder.

Am I worried about the future? Yes. Terrified

Do I regret taking action? No. In retrospect I might have done it  differently. But there is no going back.

But I have a big decision to make, which I am taking legal advice on. Do I go for50/50 and accept DD will have to spend some of her life being shouted at for spilling a drink or not washing her hands in the right way? Or do I take the plunge and seek residency?

I will probably post more on a relevant thread at some point, I've probably said enough for now. I wish I'd discovered this site years ago, but I just wanted to say that reading through posts on here has been really cathartic for me and I wanted to connect with people who are going through the same.

[Penny Lane]

Hi and welcome! I'm glad you found us but I'm sorry you had to be here.

First off, you have done an GREAT job so far. This is very hard, maybe some of the hardest stuff you will ever have to do. You have already been so strong! Go easy on yourself about any possible mistakes you made in the process of getting out. Every day you will have to make imperfect decisions with the information you have at the time. Over and over in this process. Later you might decide that you would use a different strategy if you'd had more information. That doesn't mean you were bad, just that you had less information.

To answer your specific question about what to pursue now: Does your lawyer say that you have a good shot at getting residency? Is there a downside to asking for it in court, like the judge will think you're overreaching and award residency to your stbx? Make sure you have all the information you need, legally, before you decide.

Obviously it is better for kids to spend less time with an abusive parent. If it's feasible to minimize the amount of time your daughter will be with her mom, go for it. But I will tell you that that situation is very rare, even here when there are some pretty horrific stories. Many places have a presumption of 50/50. And many other places have a presumption (explicit in the law or just in the judges' minds) that the mom will be the primary parent. If you look at your legal options and decide that it is not feasible to get residency, that is OK! This does not mean that you are a bad parent, it means that you're choosing to spend your energy on areas that actually have a good shot at helping your daughter.

The coparenting board is full of people who are in the same boat as you, who had to make a terrible compromise with their ex. It will definitely affect your daughter to be in that environment. But even if you can't get her out of it, you can do things on your end to make her better able to handle it. You can teach her that it's not OK to be yelled at. You can teach her critical thinking, so she can apply reasonable thought when her mom lies to her. You can make sure she is resilient enough to make herself a sandwich if her mom is passed out. That is how you spend your energy, in areas that will make your daughter's life better.

I know it's terrible. But it is not your fault. Your ex is choosing to be abusive toward you and toward your daughter. You are not responsible for her actions.

In closing, I have a couple books that might help you with the divorce process: Splitting by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger and the High Conflict Custody Battle by Amy Baker, Michael Bone and Brian Ludmer. I think these will help you navigate the world of court with a PD element - which is hard even for experienced attorneys!

You will be OK. You will be great! And your daughter will be great, so much better than if she lived with an abusive parent 100% of the time.

[TheEscapeArtist]

Thanks pennylane.

I will look out those books. And spend some time on the co-parenting threads.

It's really odd (in a good way) seeing my story in public for the first time. My life feels normal to me because it's what I know.

But seeing my story in amongst everyone else's gives a real sense of context and perspective. Almost like I'm reading about someone else's life.

I keep rereading it to see if I've told any lies or exaggerated. Because I can't quite believe that was me. But no, if anything I've undersold my story and been too kind to my ex.

I'm still waiting for an appointment with my lawyer, I'm very much in the middle of this still. But every day gets better.

I've been sitting in silence most evenings because I can't bear to watch TV or listen to the radio. Yesterday I put on what used to be my favourite radio station back when I had a choice of listening, and although I couldn't enjoy it, it wasnt entirely unwelcome.

Tonight I put the radio on again and I'm almost smiling. By next week maybe I'll even be dancing.

Small steps...

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

You've done so well to seek out support. I know it's not easy. There are many people in your same but different situation.

Abusers are all about power and control.

You have some difficult decisions to make. Please trust your gut. It doesn't lie unlike your head or your heart.

You may like to view the talks by the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better. Her YouTube channel is called "We Need to Talk with Kris Godinez". She has a list of book resources on her Facebook page.

Another person who talks about narcissism on YouTube is Doctor Ramani.

Many of us feel that we have been living in a bizarre and surreal situation for years. We all know here what it can be like, when others don't.

Be gentle with yourself. You are doing the best that you can.

Keep strong. Keep calm. Keep posting.