What is this?!?

[HollyG]

  ok. So. Husband DID actually go to therapy and DID actually apologize for every he's ever done/said etc.
I am questioning whether he has a PD or perhaps he does but it's not as intense as some others... so now, he's being nice but distant. Says he doesn't want to mess anything up so he's keeping to himself. Our conversations and interaction seems and feels forced. The quiet and the way he's avoiding me is making me anxious. I'm reading this as.... I'm keeping distance bc I'm afraid my mask is going to fall off and then I'll lose you. I feel like he is trying very hard to be "normal" but bc it's hard work for him and doesn't come naturally it's too exhausting and that's where the cycle of him being prone to rages comes from.
He asks "how was your day?" Every day now but it feels like he's read it somewhere in a book.
Am I going insane?! How long will he be able to keep this up and if he does was he really ever PD? I'm so exhausted.
I'd just leave but we have a baby and I don't want to do that if he's really trying and ruin our family or hurt him.

[notrightinthehead]

Holly, people don't change overnight.  Change is a long and painful process. Are you applying the tools from the toolbox? Are you getting any help for your anxiety? You write that the quiet and his keeping distant makes you anxious. Do you have an exit plan or a place to flee to when he starts raging again?
You clearly don't trust him. You clearly are not relaxed and feeling safe in this relationship. What can you do to get support for yourself? What can you do to develop a feeling of safety in your home?

[HollyG]

Hi and thank you for your feedback. Yes I am very anxious and lack trust now. I confronted him on this and he said he's avoiding talking in order to not make any more mistakes thar cost him.
But.. in middle of this last few days of strange tension he wanted sex. I gave in and after he barely said two words to me.
I'm going to explore the toolbox and try to implement it. I live in a state where I don't know anyone and that's making me feel even more isolated. Hanging on for hope.

[SparkStillLit]

This is familiar to me, except the therapy part. The "I don't want to mess anything up so I'm just not going to talk".
Oh really? So we will just go along for the next undefined amount of time and you will stay silent. Like a tantrumming child holding their breath until they turn blue and pass out. And what happens then? When something doesn't go the way you like it? When it gets "messed up"?
This is not how adults communicate.
Whatever your choice, stay or go, make plans to protect yourself and stay safe. The physical and the emotional.

[tragedy or hope]

This is such common behavior in my home. they HAVE nothing to say. They wait for our cues. Literally. I have been told by men, if they are not talking, they are not thinking. They don't ruminate like women. I don't know how true, but if it is... add a PD to that and voila! You are living with weirdness.

My unpdh will make sure he gets up out of bed when I do. He has nothing to say but he will sit with me and play his card games at 8 am in the same room on his tablet. He thinks this is "being together." He will listen to me share something I am reading with my thoughts on it... then take off on it and totally change the subject to something he is more familiar with. He will even try to bring up a recent book he has read and change the whole focus of the comment I made.

They are self involved. Period. Everything I have read tells me change is near impossible. at least with Narcissistic types. He spends hours with me asking me what I want to do next, like a child. If I say, what do you want to do? he says whatever you want to do dear, I just want to love you. etc... blathers on.

No one is home inside. Even if your H went to therapy...if you were not there, you don't know that he may have misled the therapist. Many are not aware of the N's cunning ways to manipulate.

Seems like he is being cruel in the "kind" way PD's treat their targets. He is also manipulating you and probably getting happy about it regarding your intimacy.
You deserve more and to be treated in a way that makes you feel loved not manipulated. Just know they can go on for days weeks months and years once they find their sweet spot of control.

Be willing when you are ready to confront it. He will stonewall as if you are the problem. This is important for YOU not him. First, he may want to change his tactic if he sees you are on to him but when you name it, it no longer has the same power over you. It is out of your head and on the table. You are no longer giving it approval by silence. It is for your sake that you do this.

Nothing makes things better with them. Don't work to make it happen you will only get exhausted and he will pull another behavior out of his bag of tricks.
Realize also when you confront it, he will make you miserable for awhile if you let him. What's worse? What you feel now, or at least getting your truth out and then letting him do his thing?

Find support outside of this relationship if you are committed. Al Anon for families and friends of Alcoholics is a good start. Even if he does not drink, you probably will hear someone talk about similar things. They have zoom meetings where you can just listen.

Take good care of yourself, If you don't no one else will.

[SparkStillLit]

TorH Yes To That. Holly this stuff is right across the board. Updh will also "listen" and wait for a pause, as in I took a breath, (if he doesn't just straight up interrupt) and hop in with a completely different subject. If it weren't so discouraging, it would be like a comedy skit.
This is the "talking".
Then there's the "not talking". It's either ST or "I don't know what to say", which will eventually be used against me in a court of nonsense.
So! Either way! Don't be concerned for why he's doing what he's doing, be concerned for yourself and how you will be protected.

[HollyG]

This is such common behavior in my home. they HAVE nothing to say. They wait for our cues. Literally. I have been told by men, if they are not talking, they are not thinking. They don't ruminate like women. I don't know how true, but if it is... add a PD to that and voila! You are living with weirdness.

My unpdh will make sure he gets up out of bed when I do. He has nothing to say but he will sit with me and play his card games at 8 am in the same room on his tablet. He thinks this is "being together." He will listen to me share something I am reading with my thoughts on it... then take off on it and totally change the subject to something he is more familiar with. He will even try to bring up a recent book he has read and change the whole focus of the comment I made.

They are self involved. Period. Everything I have read tells me change is near impossible. at least with Narcissistic types. He spends hours with me asking me what I want to do next, like a child. If I say, what do you want to do? he says whatever you want to do dear, I just want to love you. etc... blathers on.

No one is home inside. Even if your H went to therapy...if you were not there, you don't know that he may have misled the therapist. Many are not aware of the N's cunning ways to manipulate.

Seems like he is being cruel in the "kind" way PD's treat their targets. He is also manipulating you and probably getting happy about it regarding your intimacy.
You deserve more and to be treated in a way that makes you feel loved not manipulated. Just know they can go on for days weeks months and years once they find their sweet spot of control.

Be willing when you are ready to confront it. He will stonewall as if you are the problem. This is important for YOU not him. First, he may want to change his tactic if he sees you are on to him but when you name it, it no longer has the same power over you. It is out of your head and on the table. You are no longer giving it approval by silence. It is for your sake that you do this.

Nothing makes things better with them. Don't work to make it happen you will only get exhausted and he will pull another behavior out of his bag of tricks.
Realize also when you confront it, he will make you miserable for awhile if you let him. What's worse? What you feel now, or at least getting your truth out and then letting him do his thing?

Find support outside of this relationship if you are committed. Al Anon for families and friends of Alcoholics is a good start. Even if he does not drink, you probably will hear someone talk about similar things. They have zoom meetings where you can just listen.

Take good care of yourself, If you don't no one else will.

Oh my gosh thank goodness someone else experiences the weird "conversation" thing! It feels like sometimes he's awkwardly trying to act normal or he's really quiet or... he talks to himself 😳. . I will say the last few days have been good, but even though I'm rooting for this to work, I'm keeping my eyes open and looking at actions closely.
Thank you!

[Lauren17]

I've gotten this response too (less the therapy).
Depending on the situation, it's another form of projection. He's said to me. "Well, Lauren, you got so angry last time. I didn't realize you were so volatile. So I'm just trying to be really careful not to anger you again". MC has helped this a lot.
What MC can't solve is the stonewalling.
As ToH says, they can settle into this for *yeats*. It's been about 4 years since I've had any sort of conversation with H this is more than superficial. It's lonely. But it's an improvement over the emotional roller coaster.