The Nerve!

[Lilyloo]

Two weeks ago I got an email from mother. She accused me of saying she had lied. It was another nasty among many I have gotten from her. She said "Go on and accuse me of lying, if that makes you happy"  I had not done anything of the sort. I questioned the fact that she told me she could not walk, then others told me she was out driving doing errands

Today I get an email wanting me to drive her to the hospital to see stepdad and to a eye doctor appointment...some nerve!!!  The last appointment I took her to, she raged at me because I said "we better go so we wont be late"  She was fooling around at her computer. She went off!  Red faced, yelling ok then ok then!!!  Threw her coat!  My husband was with me. He's witnessed several of these incidents.

I am scared of her. I had to admit to myself finally at my age(mid 60's) that I am afraid. I feel like a little girl around her. I emailed back and told her I don't deserve those outbursts and cannot take anymore!!  There........it's out, it's done.. Its something I wanted to do for years. It won't make one bit of difference. She will send another nasty email  . She will never say sorry.

I can no longer feel like hiding in a closet from her. I am all grown up and will take no more emotional abuse!   Sick of being stressed, sad, scared. NO MORE!! 

So I decided I cant take one more minute of her meanness. She takes no responsibility, and acts like she did nothing.  She feels she is entitled.....you did nothing for me my whole life, I owe you nothing dear mother.............

[Adrianna]

Linda you've reached the anger stage where you see the manipulation and abuse for what it is. This will make it easier to stick to those new boundaries! You know she won't change, you know what she does is hurtful and you know you won't get apologies.

You are on a new level now and be aware that she will likely up her antics, as she sees she's losing control over you. Not your problem and stay angry for right now if you have to so you avoid getting sucked back in.

The fact that you'd been wanting to take that step for years and just did means you're on the right path to breaking free from this toxic dynamic.

There's freedom, self respect and self love on the other side of this!

[Lilyloo]

Adrianna, Thank You!  You are always so helpful and spot on about everything

She did email, it was nasty. No remorse, and said she'd had a far worse life full of problem than most people ever do!  Oh the Narc!!!

Being an invisible nothing for most of my life, I'm ready to make myself believe finally I am worthy!

My head hurts, my neck is knotted full of stress, the way she always affects me, but I can take a pain pill. 

Its so sad that a mother can do this. My anger laid dormant for years. Today she heard it. It made no difference. That proves there's no love, only for herself

Thank you again

[Hepatica]

I'm so sorry LindaLoo. Your neck and headache definitely get exacerbated by the cortisol and adrenaline that pump thru when you get attacked like that.  It is not good for a body or soul over time and it does take its toll. Your rightful anger is your spirit telling you that you need a line in the sand and if she doesn't care or change, you have to take care of yourself.

I want to share that I have a lot of wear and tear on my neck and back - and years of doctors and physiotherapists and pain pills - and the most magical thing is, since I've distanced and finally gone NC with the toxicity of my parents and sister, I live mostly pain free. The stress that I would feel interacting with them was huge. Since I've focussed on healing and creating a sense of peace and safety around myself there has been so much progress to better health.

My mother sounds so similar to yours. I could not say one word to her that she might perceive as a criticism or reining in her horrible behaviour, without her losing it. It was humiliating and horrible at times. I would end up with high blood pressure from an hour visit with her. And what did I do, I felt bad for her!! I rarely gave a thought to how it affected my health. And then I got angry. It was about the fourth time of walking into her house for my weekly visit and her looking at me and yelling, "YOU'RE SO FAT! I WAS NEVER FAT LIKE THAT! IT MUST COME FROM YOUR FATHER'S SIDE!!" I would just laugh and say, 'yeah, i wish I could lose a bit.' (I am pudgy but nowhere near obese by the way.) And one day I just had it with her. I was done.

I haven't spoken to her since spring and I feel sad that everything has to be so hard in this family, but I don't miss her. It made me ill to be around her.

Good luck. Hoping you find the peace you deserve.

[Psuedonym]

LindaLoo,

No remorse, and said she'd had a far worse life full of problem than most people ever do!

I rolled my eyes so hard at that one I think I hurt myself. That's such a classic maneuver, admit nothing, pull a 180, and back into victim mode. Sheesh. I'm glad you stood up for yourself. Hepatica, I'm also glad you stood up for yourself! I'm sure she's bending somebody's ear now about how she has no idea why you're NC.

[Hepatica]

Thank you Psuedonym, It's really nice to get validation about the hard decision to walk away. Now that I've got some distance I imagine another mother speaking like that to her daughter (or anybody) and feel aghast that I wasn't angry sooner. Esp. with all of the other examples of venom she spits on my sister and father. No one has ever stood up to her. And I have always felt sorry for her. I still don't understand that. I guess she brainwashed me into believing she is the victim. I am so Out of the FOG in that regard now, but it's taken me months to stop feeling sorry for her and my father, and place that compassion on myself. Thank you again for your kind words.

LindaLoo I hope you allow that anger to tell you what it wants. It wants to tell you that you are visible and you very much are worthy. 

[Lilyloo]

Hepatica, Thank You!  I am so sorry she said those hateful things to you. How sad   I am so glad you were done. I try to be done.  My fear has been and still is to some extent, what others think of me. I know it doesn't matter, but it's been a struggle with that.

Your Mom does sound like mine.  I am happy your pain has improved.  You made the break!  I think stress causes so much illness. Removing the toxic people is so freeing. I'm almost there.  I took care of my 3 brothers at age 13. My dad had died suddenly. Mom put me in charge. I've felt that obligation my whole life. She still expects it of me.

I will get past this and win this battle.  Voicing my anger was major!!  She still was mean. No compassion..Its not there.

[Lilyloo]

Psuedonym, Thank You!  Oh yes, so classic!!  Always the victim!  Poor mother.

[Mathilda]

This is good!
Once you're done, you're done.

I too thought about going no contact for years.
Then one day when I visited my parents, they treated me so badly I decided to never go back. It really was the last straw that broke the camel's back.
I was telling my dad a short story and he interrupted me. No big deal, but I said 'hey dad, you should let me finish my story'. He did, but after that started yelling at me 'WELL, ARE YOU FINISHED NOW? ARE YOU FINISHED??' I tried to calm him down, but then my mom started yelling 'STOP IT! WE ARE OLD PEOPLE!' 
Now I tried to calm down both of them, but my mother kept screaming and yelling that they are old people. I told them if they wouldn't stop, I'd never visit them again.
My father yelled 'THEN F*** OFF' and my mother yelled 'WE NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN EITHER!'

When I left, my mom locked the door behind me.

A few months later got a letter from brother. Apparently, my mother had told him I was telling a story and when my father interrupted, I started yelling and screaming at him and then my mother had kicked me out!  But she didn't mean it and regretted it. Both parents were crying every night because they wanted me back so badly! No, no, no!

It's been two years since and I still have no clue what made them so angry. Father feeling criticized I guess, for telling him 'you should me let me finish' (how dare I!) and mother wanting me to take the blame rather than blaming dad for behaving badly
But It doesn't matter, because I don't care anymore.
I haven't missed them.

[Lilyloo]

  Mathilda.  Wow what a scene they caused over you saying that!! Sounds exactly like my mother. Then to lie and say you did the yelling, ureal!   My mother acts out over nothing.  I actually started to feel scared. Once she was using a hammer on something and whatever I said ,  ticked her off and she started swinging it in the air.  Isn't it funny how they use "we are old people"  Honestly they behave more like toddlers. Im happy you are free.  You did not deserve such crazy behavior. They feel so entitled.  Its their loss.

[bloomie]

LindaLoo - I know it should not at this point, but doesn't it boggle the mind that grown adults - our parents - behave abusively toward us WHILE requesting our time and help? If that is not the defintion of entitled, I don't know what is.

Something that keeps coming up for me lately is being clear on the difference between an expectation someone holds of me versus an agreement I have made with someone.

I took care of my 3 brothers at age 13. My dad had died suddenly. Mom put me in charge. I've felt that obligation my whole life. She still expects it of me.

Your mother may very well expect a great deal from you, including allowing her to lie and speak disrespectfully to you unchallenged... you may be expected to care for your mother and brothers into adulthood... but, my most best guess is you never, ever agreed to any of this! Including allowing anyone to behave in an abusive manner toward you.

Bravo for directly addressing the demand of your services and the terrible behaviors you have encountered when offering help.

Fly free LindaLoo and all of us facing these kind of out of bounds expectations and behaviors within our extended families.

[Mathilda]

Mathilda.  Wow what a scene they caused over you saying that!! Sounds exactly like my mother. Then to lie and say you did the yelling, ureal!   My mother snaps into a psycho over nothing.  I actually started to feel scared. Once she was using a hammer on something and whatever I said ,  ticked her off and she started swinging it in the air.  Isn't it funny how they use "we are old people"  Honestly they behave more like toddlers. Im happy you are free.  You did not deserve such crazy behavior. They feel so entitled.  Its their loss.

Amazing, isn't it.

Forgot to tell you the best part.  After I was 'kicked out' I had to go back because the day before I cleaned their windows and I realised my ladder was still in their apartment. This is a rather expensive ladder and it wasn't supposed to stay at their place, so I had to go back and pick it up....
I had a key to their apartment so I unlocked the frontdoor, sneaked back in and muttered 'forgot my ladder' and then they yelled back 'SO TAKE IT!! JUST TAKE YOUR LADDER! TAKE  IT!!' 

After that I threw their keys in their postbox and wrote them a letter that being old is no excuse for behaving badly and that I was sick and tired of all the conflicts and drama they created, over and over again.

You are right, they're todlers.

My mother also snaps easily. She gets angry if you disagree with her or even if she's misunderstood.

This swinging with a hammer sounds really scary!
My mother has never been physically agressive, although she did threaten to hit my father on the head with a empty mug once.

[lkdrymom]

If your mother picks a fight with you, roll with it.  Don't do her any favors (like rides anywhere) until she apologizes. Full stop.  People treat us as we allow them to treat us.  Take a break from her.  Even if she relies on you for important things....take a break and let her see that she needs you and better treat you better or she is SOL.

[Lilyloo]

Bloomie, Ikdrymom, Mathilda, Thank You

Ikdrymom, She never apologizes.   If she does it's "well, I'm sorry IF  I upset you" or "well. I"m sorry, BUT"  I just read that those are phrases to take the blame off of themselves. I've told my family that I can never be alone with her. Any driving her one of them will have to go along

Bloomie, I'm almost 67, I have been expected to be the strong, sister, daughter. I decided that whats left of life for me will be to take care of my mental health and stop feeling obligated. When she started those rages each time I drove her, that did it for me. I will not be a doormat nor a punching bag.  I told her my mental health is not good.lol! This is what she said "well if your're that bad...(now isnt that classic narc) you better get some help. She then went into how if SHE, after all shes been thru could survive, then so could I.

Mathilda, Wow, sounds so much like my mother, the yelling "just take it, just take it"  take your ladder"  Oh my, that could have been spouted from mothers mouth. Wonderful you wrote that letter!  They do use old age to get pity. I know many older people who are kind, sweet and never get mean. To bad we can't have a good set of parents who we would be happy to communicate with. Not happening, so we make our own lives the best they can be.

Love this board Validation is so needed by children of narcs.  I know always that I can come here and you will all understand.

I thought if I told her I was mentally not strong, she would leave me alone. She wanted to come to my house and talk to me about my issues...LOL,    We learn what works, what doesn't. I am mentally stressed, the reason is her!  Are they really that clueless?? I have yet to figure that one out................