Childhood Trauma And Relationships

[Kat54]

My divorce became final about a week ago after a long 3 year separation from my xnpdh. After a couple years of therapy I realized my ex was so much like MY MOTHER!  Selfish, narcissistic, dramatic. No wonder I barely survived the marriage, but have been left deeply scared from the experience.
I know so much now how my childhood and the trauma from my mother affected my relationship with people in general but mostly in loving relationships.
My mother was a person who suffered from mental illness through my entire childhood until she committed suicide in my 20's; all my life growing up she had multiple suicide attempts, and then within the year after she died I got married. Looking back... a bad move. My ex was fun loving, life of the party Guy, but not good for me. I always threw myself at him and forgave all of his bad behavior no matter how much he hurt me. Cheating, drugs, just being very disrespectful to me. But I always came back for more until he finally married me. Yes, apparently I have a very low self esteem issue.

How do I go forward from this? I see my failed marriage as another traumatic event in my life. Traumatic also because of his disrespect and verbal abuse for 24 years.
I look for someone to love and respect me and at 57 it's still not there.  I'm not blaming my mother for a failed marriage. But I did have a traumatic childhood from being on constant edge that if the boat got rocked she would try and kill her self.  I was left with feelings of she didn't want to stay around because me and my sibling were not worth it. She spent my entire childhood trying to leave this earth.

I am a person who can be alone and I've worked on being good to myself and I am super independent. But don't want to spend the rest of my life totally alone. A significant other in my life but would not get married again. How does a person go back into a relationship with all this baggage?

Working on me has been a journey and overall it's going well but eventually getting back into a relationship scares me and I don't want to be afraid.

[guitarman]

You may find the talks by Kris Godinez on YouTube of help to you. She often talks about this subject. Her YouTube channel is called "We Need to Talk with Kris Godinez". She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome.

She talks about people who get into relationships with other people who are like the parent who was abusive. Threatening suicide is abuse. I never realised that until someone pointed that out to me.

So it maybe that you get into a relationship with someone who is like your abusive parent because you recognise the pattern and think that you can save them and change them. But you can't heal them because you didn't break them. Kris Godinez explains it a lot better. You need to address the original wound.

I have a uBPD/NPD sister who has been threatening suicide for decades. I know it is a different situation than yours but I can't be her rescuer any more and I recognise that I can't and shouldn't start rescuing other people. It's so easy to get into a relationship with people who are abusive because that is what you are so used to. It is so familiar.

I'm glad to know that you have been seeing a therapist and that has helped you. I'm sure that you will be in a healthy relationship at sometime. You have learnt a lot about yourself and will keep learning. You are now more aware.

[Kat54]

Thank you for the advice on the YouTube channel I'll look for it. And yes I recognized that what my mother did was abuse. She emotionally held us all hostage with her suicide threats and even at times for no apparent reason not speak to us for days and days as children. We would cry with worry thinking she was having another emotional breakdown... she wasn't, her friend would stop over and it was if nothing was wrong she would have a delightful conversation with her.
When she passed away I would say I was sad but also felt like a huge weight lifted off me, much like leaving my marriage. Again free from the emotional trauma and my life is so much better.

[Hepatica]

Kat54 Feeling great compassion for you as I read your story. I'm so sorry for the losses with your Mom and ex.

I too come from a family of origin of dysfunction and it is so frustrating how we move out of our family home and live in this incredible FOG for years and years. I chose terrible men to be with, terrible!! and was only saved from a very bad marriage bc the NPD boyfriend dumped me. Painful then, big time blessing in reality. But I was so in the FOG I would have stayed with him if he hadn't walked away.

To be fair we had no education about personality disorders back then. There was no information about red flags of toxic behaviour. There was no understanding of generational trauma and how foggy trauma makes us. It seems in the past ten years education around this has blossomed and it is finally reaching a large part of the world. Sites like OutoftheFog are so important. It's really helped me understand how to protect myself.

I guess when looking at the past, we don't know what we don't know. The good thing is, is now we do know. We are in a better place. For me, I have found therapy so important in my journey. I have also found mindfulness meditation and self-compassion retreats very very helpful. Reading about trauma has also been a big eye opener for me and helps me have more self-compassion. I am seeing big changes in my life by changing the way I speak to myself in my own mind and who I surround myself with in the outside world. I do have the power to protect myself.

Where do you go from there? Good therapy. Lots of gentleness to self. Keep doing what you're doing. Perhaps now is the gift to begin giving yourself the things that you've always wanted to do.  Focus on what gives you joy. Reparent that part of you that didn't get what you needed from your mother and father. You deserve it and as you're doing kind things for yourself, you will meet people. The good thing is, you will recognize who to avoid now. That is really important.

[guitarman]

You may find the Mindfulness teacher Tara Brach of help to you as well. She has some free talks on her YouTube channel and website.

www.tarabrach.com

[Hepatica]

Hi guitarman, thank you for that link. Just checked it out and it looks great.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Congratulations on your newfound freedom, Kat.  it sounds like you are glad the divorce is finally over. 

Two dating tips I found helpful post-divorce (for people with low self-esteem especially):  1) After everything finalizes, take more time just being on your own, and 2) "Slow is real."  It seems like dysfunctional relationships are almost always whirlwind and PD & abusive people notoriously move quickly in new relationships.  I'm not sure they would even hang around for someone who insisted on going slowly.

Are you NC with your ex?  I'm finding that to be extremely helpful (actually indispensable for me)  in making gains in my trauma recovery.   Working with a trauma T is also invaluable.  For those who don't have money for a private one, sometimes DV organizations make them available even if you don't exactly fit the picture of a "battered spouse."

There are also 12 Step groups which can be helpful if you find one that has members with good recovery:  CoDependents Anonymous, Alanon, & Adult Children of Alcoholic or Dysfunctional Families. 

Maybe first take some deep breaths and just . . .  land.   You're in a new phase of your life now.   Let yourself feel how that is for you.

[athene1399]

For the longest time I was only in toxic and emotionally abusive relationships because that is what was comfortable to me becasue it's all I knew. It's how my childhood was, so it was familiar. I didn't know how to act with partners who were nice to me.

Once I decided to break the cycle, I started analyzing the patterns. Like Lookin 2B Free said, the relationships started like a whirlwind. I was obsessed with my new partner and wanted to be with him always. I would lose myself in him. So I decided to date someone who made me feel stable and level headed at all times. I thought long and hard about what i wanted in my next partner. I thought long and hard about what I considered were red flags so I would notice if they happened. I also put a lot of work into our relationship and I feel he puts in the same level of work. In previous relationships I was always in the wrong and the one who needed to change. I feel SO and I have grown together becasue we both put the work in.

And on a more introspective aspect, I put a lot of work into me so I could heal from old wounds. SO has been very supportive of me during this as well. he doesn't always understand what I went through, but he tries to and is always compassionate. I also learned to cut myself some slack and now hold myself to the impossible standards so I don't continue to feel not good enough. I started changing the self-talk in my head, and talk to myself like I would talk to a friend.

it's a lot of work. And opening old wounds means that sometimes I felt worse before I got better. There's a lot to unpack there.

If you can't go NC with your ex, I would suggest creating boundaries to keep yourself safe and sane. Practice grey rock for when you have to communicate.

I am proud of you!