They found me and she turned up in my bedroom minutes later

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,
Still processing what happened today.
I've just moved to another city and am in the process of moving out of my old flat.
A male friend is helping me move my things and I was up half the night driving between towns. I finally got some sleep and he decided to ring my parents (without me knowing) for a chat. My bpd mother seized the opportunity and asked him where I was (I have been forced to give false addresses for years). He told her. He didn't know that my mum and dad have a long history of turning up where I live and work, shouting, despite me asking them not to do this.
He realised what he'd done (too late) and warned me.
I texted her pleaded her not to turn up, but she of course ignored me.
She turned up to my bedroom!!! Despite me asking her to leave and even grabbed my leg at one point  uggh. I'm processing what just happened. So creepy 😳 I'm upset with my friend for ringing them and telling them where I live, letting them into my home. Upset with her for turning up. I feel so violated and unsafe AGAIN! At least I am moving out very soon. I'm so shaken.
I feel so violated by my friend too.
I want someplace noone can find.
I don't know how that is possible.

[SunnyMeadow]

That's terrible, talk about stressful!!

Have your doors locked all the time. Shame on them for getting into your new place and into your bedroom, they have no right to enter. I'm so glad to read you're moving out soon. Since your friend couldn't help himself from ringing your parents  , I'd hire one or two people to help you move next time. People who have no ties or history with you or your parents!

I'd feel violated by your friend too. Very strange to ring your parents after helping you move.

[Sidney37]

I'm so sorry.  Does this friend know your folks?  Why would he ring them?   I hope you get some sleep soon.  That sounds very traumatic.

[GettingOOTF]

This is horrifying. I’m so sorry.

I know that I had to take a hard look at all my relationships. Almost eveyone in my life at one point did not have my best interests at heart.

Does your friend know the situation with your parents? If I was speaking to someone’s parents and they asked where that person lived I’d wonder why they didn’t know and assume there was a good reason.

Some people like to meddle and these people often do it under the guise of being kind or helpful. Recently I’ve been reading a lot about manipulation through kindness. How people manipulate and control through kind gestures that make other feel obligated or not able to call them out on poor behavior.

What your friend did is unforgivable in my mind. There was simply no need for it so I’d be asking myself honestly what I thought they hoped to gain.

Please do not hesitate to call the police if this happens again.  Your mother crossed a major line. She also physically assaulted you. You can go to the police and file a formal complaint.

In the mean time I’d keep everything locked and avoid this friend. The police told me to keep my cell phone on me at all times and to call 911 if I saw my abuser on the street.

[Amadahy]

Jollyjazz,

I am SO sorry!  That sounds awful!

Sounds like you'll want to evaluate your relationship with your friend, for sure, but I hope you can take time to help your parasympathetic nervous system calm down.  Can you get in nature? Walk? Slow, intentional breathing? Just, calm, calm, calm that will help your body let go of the tension of such trauma. 

I'm glad you'll be moving soon.  xo

[JollyJazz]

Hi Amadahy, GettingOOTF, Sidney37 and SunnyMeadow,
Thanks for your replies!
I feel like that experience was so triggering, it reminded me of the countless times that my mother would barge into my bedroom without asking.
Yes I'm very upset with my friend doing that. He previously went around to visit my parents when I wasn't around which I thought was weird. I had to explain why I didn't want him to do this.
I don't think I can tell him where I move to next (I'm just in a temporary place in my new city). I just need to feel safe, and after this experience I can't feel safe with him knowing. I feel so violated. My mum just sent me a bunch of emotionally abusive messages saying I'm a liar (I had to lie about where I lived, last time I told the truth - that I didn't want to tell them- the abuse got even worse). I also feel so upset that I had to explain this painful and private matter to my friend.
He said he won't ever do it again, but my mother has previously said she won't turn up without asking  she does again and again.
I just feel like I can't ever have my own space where I'm safe from them. I feel like I can't have what I ask for respected.
Urrgh, it's so creepy, it feels like a power thing 'wherever you go, we'll find you, you can't have your own space, even in your own BED when you're lying in it'. Your "no" means nothing'. I just feel powerless, out of control.
This feeling is making it hard for me to have my own place, because I want to know that I can actually be safe there, have privacy.
Then there is the guilt, guilt for not telling them where I live, even for having boundaries. Wanting to be able to say no.

[TwentyTwenty]

Sorry you are going thru this..

Umm.. not to say this the wrong way, but that's definitely no friend.. sounds like he has serious issues doing this even after he had been given an explanation of your circumstance. Very sorry!!

[JollyJazz]

Hi Twenty Twenty,
Yes, I've had other issues with this particular friend. Time to get some distance!!! I'm already going through a stressful time with the move. I am running to help with the stress of it all