Not sure how much more I can take

[Sadhubby]

We've recently got back from a long stay away from our home with my mother-in-law.

We hired a nanny to help out with our son now that we are both working full time. This has improved things over the week.

Still it takes the lightest provocation for things to explode. This morning there was swearing in front of the baby, then my wife dumped milk over me because it was too cold after I reheated it two times, accused me of "f**king up the milk because" I "always f**k up everything", dumped baby food in my coffee for defrosting fruits rather than using fresh fruits, dumped a small piece of plastic in my coffee for leaving it out.

Finally she made a lovely speech about not being surprised "nobody at work wants to work with me because" I "only ever do the bare minimum s**t job and f**k that up anyway, and don't do what" I'm "told". The context of this is that everyone in my work is at risk due to a massive covid related restructuring. Moreover I was upset when a colleague I don't know very well (he's very senior in another part of the business) who manages a team I want to move to passed over a discussion for the third time because of other commitments. There is also a lot of toxicity on my own team, so we have not been working well together, and it culminated in an HR process and our boss quietly being let go as part of the restructuring.

I just can't handle this continuous overreaction any more. The techniques from this site are helping, therapy is beginning to go somewhere, but this is madness. This abuse has been going on for years. I'm beginning to realize how many personal opportunities I've dropped to prevent an explosion or assist her in her time of crisis. She has taken our baby through a nightmarish first few months, taking him from doctor to doctor and obsessing about every condition. She goes mad if I try to reduce the intervention, and I always end up compromising 90% on the solution she wants to avoid extreme conflict. I then get the blame for being obstructive to the baby's treatment even when, after many changes of the treatment, the final thing we come to was what I wanted all along but she couldn't cope with.

I'm afraid that she's so buried in her fantasy that there is no way back. This behaviour is so bad already, and I can't see it improving.

I'm intending on contacting a divorce lawyer to at least understand my rights in case this gets even worse.

Please tell me I'm overreacting. I just don't know what to do.

[Starboard Song]

You are not overreacting.

One of the duties you have to yourself and to your child is to be prepared. Right now, that means understanding what divorce looks like, especially with an infant, and how that changes as that child becomes a toddler. If you contact an attorney, do be extremely careful.

The behavior you are describing is extreme and it is unwarranted in any fact set. You cannot be so bad that you deserve the treatment you are describing. There is good news. You do not require and are not seeking a perfect spouse: one who never loses her temper, never acts out, never uses abusive language. You are seeking one who does it far less, and in far milder ways.

That may very well still be achievable.

Man hug: 

[tragedy or hope]

As a father, I am wondering if you could confidentially call some of these Drs. and ask about babies treatment. The baby's well-being is first. Unable to protect him or herself from constant medical attention means you will need to step in. Not easy to do, doesn't happen overnight.

Sounds like you live with a lot of misdirected rage. Take care of the baby 1st.

Don't try to please her. She cannot be pleased at this point. You will exhaust yourself and she will change the standard of fault, and make you miserable in new ways. YOU are her target. Think about not allowing it, and how that would look in your daily life.

Again, protect your child. Then think about what you need to do for you.
Do take good care of yourself. Get some fresh air, if you must be in the home with her; read a book you enjoy, listen to music... whatever you can do to separate yourself from her bad behavior.

Try to remember when she is acting out, she is ACTING OUT. She has control over herself, she just chooses to act out on or around you. Protect your child.

[Mary9921]

So very sorry you are going through this....

Try & take a few moments to breathe.... sounds like you could use a Lil break....

Your child is the most important and dependant on you and her for everything... so they must come first...

Hope you have a better day...

[Starboard Song]

I don't want to add complexity that makes you doubt yourself, and you clearly have a longstanding issue here.

But your wife's behavior has clearly changed since the birth of your child. You may be dealing with post partum depression issues exacerbating a condition that she otherwise could manage and you otherwise could live with. I think that is worth exploring.

[Sadhubby]

Thanks all for your replies. I am exploring the options, but as you all say it will not be simple.

Starboard Song there may well be an element of postpartum but my wife has refused to follow up on it. She was referred once to CBT but stopped attending. "I'll be well when my baby is well, I don't have time for anything else. Besides these doctors don't understand or care, they just want the simple explanation of the crazy mum to get rid of you." That's the quality of conversation we can achieve. It's classic PPD, I know, but sadly this is not new behaviour or necessarily related to the baby.

We've discussed anger issues at length in the past before the baby with similar conclusions. Other arguments about not attending therapy or self help include "all you like to do is talk, I wouldn't behave like this if you didn't provike me", "all you do is talk, i get better through solving real problems", "these methods wouldn't work on me", "i don't have time to waste". We tried  councelling a few times, she always broke it off after a couple of sessions saying it was useless.

Now the baby is here, her behaviour has really got out of hand,  but it's consistent with what was already there before.  There are just many more triggers. I looked into the PD stuff almost by accident. My journey with PD is a very recent one, at least I've only been consciously aware that may be what I've been dealing with for years.

[Medowynd]

Document document document.  Her behavior is going to continue to spiral.  Your wife's behavior at some point is going to endanger your baby.  You will want to have documentation, recordings or videos if possible.  Your wife will throw something at you, miss, hit the baby and then report you to the police for child abuse.  If it is possible, I would consider installing hidden cameras.  Your wife is a dangerous woman.

[Sadhubby]

I got hit today and called an idiot for talking back. I did my son's onesie buttons incorrectly, was asked "what have you done". I replied I think fairly normally, saying perhaps in an irritated tone that it was nothing that serious. I really don't remember it was so inconsequential. A few minutes later she says "don't speak to me like that" and starts making impressions of my voice. Then hits me on the back as I'm walking away and calls me an idiot. All this while she was holding our son. What the actual hell???

[Starboard Song]

Document document document.  Her behavior is going to continue to spiral. 

[hhaw]

Nanny.
Cam.

Document document document document document document.... does the Nanny witness the PD's behaviors?

Anyone else?

Document with zeal, and remain steady, sane and consistent yourself.  Don't ever ever ever get baited into exploding or acting out.

Nanny cam. 

[Free2Bme]

Sadhubby,

I ran across this today and wanted to share, ties with what you've been saying, pertaining to violence (any type) and cluster B behaviors:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOIH9tO3AG0