Dad and His Kids

[Bud@oms]

Im new and I'm grateful to have found this place. I don't know how to explain this to my children. We have two together and I'm step father to another ,older child since she was 6. Her Dad was abusive and not around. She finished High school, went off  to try college,didn't work, so now she's back home living with SO with a NB! Now, my 2 other children  ages 8&3. There's so much I want to say,but I cant explain this to anybody! Ive identified this with my ,well still wife, years ago early in our marriage and she mived across country over night with my kids, abandoned me without notice!  Since then, I moved to where my kids were with her. The yougest child comes here, after reconciliation ,to figure out what is going on! My wife has left me again and now I'm on child support while still married. I see my kids often as to be there as much as possible to counter the Effects of my wifes damaging and careless behavior. Now, my wife, we meet and it progressd quickly,me unassuming and unaware wanted a Family after I got out the military in 06.  Gor married in 08. Her daughter was 6 and we then had our first child together. It was discovered that she had a childhood that caused some abandonment. unawre of who her birth-mother was which is a source of disfunction caused more trauma early in our marraige. "I've always known" something was not authentic about the reality of our existence. After years of searching and classes and counseling I'm here holding what I know is the answer to our relational and life complications and  dont know how to tread moving forward.  I'll stop here just to be brief and see how this goes! Thank you!

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! This site is full of information and support. You might want to read the Personality disorders Tab and the Toolbox Tab as a start. I have found that implementing medium chill, grey rock, and non Jade made my interactions with my PD much calmer and more predictable. Also, when I stopped trying to change him and focussed on my own behaviour,  I started to make progress.  As a father, you want to be a source of stability and love for your kids, and this means you need to make sure that you remain calm, reasonable, and self aware. See you around on the boards.

[Bud@oms]

Thank you, I'll study through the tabs! This is like discovering a new galaxy! I've also foud a comfort knowing that I'm not alone. And want to hear success stories and what it took to reach that level.

[athene1399]

Hello, Bud@oms. It sounds like you have been through a lot. I am sorry to hear what you went through. It sounds like you have found yourself in the right place.

I think it's great that you see your kids as often as you can. Is there a custody order in place? Or nothing official?

Grey rock and medium chill have been very useful to us. Learning about JADE and trying not to do it while interacting with suspected PDs is very helpful as well. They take some practice, so don't be discouraged if it takes you a bit to get used to it. And sometimes it's just trial and error. But SO and I were able to better communicate with his BPDxw. Practicing these techniques were very helpful.

Radical acceptance helped me a lot too. It's basically coming to terms with not being able to change the PD's bad behaviors. It's accepting that they will always act how they act and there's nothing we can do to change that. It is what it is. Sometimes the situation was very upsetting to me, but using radical acceptance helped me to keep things in perspective and helped me to not get burned out.