Blackmail or genuine apology?

[Saywhat]

Hello everyone,

I've been NC with my NC parents for about three years now.

About three months ago, I received an email from my Nmom with what seemed like a genuine apology. Reluctant to believe her, I asked her exactly what she was apologizing for and how she planned to make it up to me.

After much back and forth, she has finally settled for the following posture: 1.even though she apologizes for much of the damage caused while I was growing up, she insists I (and not her) am to blame for much of the harm she has caused me and my family in recent years, including but not exclusive to brutal mental abuse and abandonment after the birth of my first child.
2. She's nevertheless willing to pay me 15.000 euros in reparations for the damage she has caused.

What's the deal here??? In my opinion, the two don't go together. However, my family and I would kind of benefit from the money and are tempted to accept it, provided that they leave us alone and expect no relationship with us afterwards.

What would you do?

[moglow]

Wait - is she's intending to pay you to "make it all better"? What exactly are the conditions of this payment? I mean, you can accept her half assed apology (you are to blame for her behavior, really??) and just keep going, without payment - nothing has changed, regardless. But her offering payment implies expectations to me, that it's conditional on your contact or care. Actually, payment rather negates her apology in general - she's paying you off rather than honestly trying to make amends??

Me, I'd probably accept the money. Once it's in your hands, it's yours to do with as you will. BUT I'd carefully read the fine print for any aforementioned conditions.

[GettingOOTF]

I don't need the money to support basic costs of living so I would not accept it.

This is one of those cases where only you can know what's best. The money will come with strings. It is highly likely that she will make you dance for it and then not even give it to you.

People like this will see it as a payment for future poor treatment of you and they will ensure that it's always hanging over you. This isn't reparations it's the purchase price for future abuse.

If the money will make a difference and you can live with the terms then you should absolutely take it, but be mindful that there will be terms.

I'm fortunate in that my family cannot use money to manipulate me like this. I don't  think anyone will judge you if you take it. For what you feel will give you the best outcome in terms of your goals for your family and your future happiness.

[Andeza]

First, get it in writing if you take the money.

Second, this is not a genuine apology, first and foremost. This is a "fauxpology" where she sits back and says "I'm sorry for everything, but... It really is ALL your fault!" Blegh. How supremely fake. She's still trying to shove you into that old scapegoat role.

As for the money, I'll say it again. Get it in writing. Get it in writing that there are no strings attached if you intend to take it, print that out, and shove it in your important papers (like birth certificate, etc.) for the rest of your life. It needs to state that this is not an exchange, not that she gives cash and you agree to x, but rather a one-way deal. She doesn't get any uptick in contact, nothing. It's also not a loan. And don't give her access to your bank account. She can mail a check. Then put that check in your savings and don't touch it for a month to make sure it doesn't bounce, aka she changed her mind and cancelled it. If she doesn't agree to those terms, no deal.

If you take the money, this becomes about covering your butt. I can't tell you how many stories I've heard and read where a toxic parent gives money to their child as a gift, only to bill them for it down the road. If you have the agreement in writing, she has no recourse to demand it back at a later date.

Good luck, let us know what you decide. But no, she's not sorry for a darn thing.

[TwentyTwenty]

As others have said here, this is in NO way an apology. It is a 'sweep my  past abuse under the rug and let me continue on by bribing you.'

Without explicit accountability and admission of abuse, along with guarantees of behavioral change, you will likely regret taking her bait.

[Hepatica]

Would what your mother be offering you be considered a hoover? Is she luring you back?
I glanced at some of your older posts and it looks like she has offered gifts before to bring you back into engagement with her.

[Thru the Rain]

I agree with previous posters - find out what your M really wants in return for all that cash. And if it's a gift free and clear, ask her to put that clearly in writing.

[Saywhat]

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for your invaluable replies. I also believe this isn't a genuine apology and she doesn't regret most of the things she did. However, offering me 15.000 to cover it up is just odd. I'm starting to believe that she's scared that I take them to court for abuse. My Nmom recently admitted (in writing!) that she had occasionally been physically aggressive towards me in the past. This admission was partial (she was always physically abusive, not just 'occasionally'), and I believe her intention with confessing this was to lure me back into the family system. However, this might incriminate her at a court of law and she might be trying to buy my silence.

[moglow]

As for the money, I'll say it again. Get it in writing. Get it in writing that there are no strings attached if you intend to take it, print that out, and shove it in your important papers (like birth certificate, etc.) for the rest of your life. It needs to state that this is not an exchange, not that she gives cash and you agree to x, but rather a one-way deal. She doesn't get any uptick in contact, nothing. It's also not a loan. And don't give her access to your bank account. She can mail a check. Then put that check in your savings and don't touch it for a month to make sure it doesn't bounce, aka she changed her mind and cancelled it. If she doesn't agree to those terms, no deal.

YES! I'm sure she has conditions - AS SHOULD YOU, whether you voice them or not. This is not a downpayment on your life and future. Don't take "payments" or have it disbursed as some form of allowance - one time lump sum and you go about your life. If she intends to pay you to put it to rest, fine. Accept the money and carry on, use it towards whatever therapy you feel you need to improve your life. She can think and have whatever conditions she wants.

[illogical]

Hi Saywhat,

You post that you believe it is your NM's intention to "lure you back into the family system".  I think this is a very high probability.  In fact, I would bet the farm on it!   

You have been NC for three years.  That's a long time for your NM to go without a Scapegoat, as well as the supply you offer her.  So first, she tries a "fake" admission of guilt.  Nope, you're not biting.  Okay, she pulls out the checkbook.  The bait is just too tasty to pass up.

My NM tried to bribe me with a fairly large sum into being her caregiver after my Enfather died and my GC brother moved several states away.  Of course, NM didn't come out and say the money was meant to "guarantee" I would be her caregiver, but I knew her well enough to know that that's what she expected-- a lifetime of servitude.  Those weren't strings attached, they were heavy chains. 

At the time, NM claimed the money was a "gift" and when I asked "Why?"  she said "I just want you and GC brother to have a little something to enjoy while I'm still alive, not wait for your inheritance."  (She offered the same amount of money to GC brother, who was in desperate financial straits, but he was under no pressure to act as caregiver since he was hundreds of miles away.)  Against my better judgment, I took her up on the offer.

As time passed, my fears were realized.  She tried to move in with me.  When that did not work, she moved into an ALF, but "enlisted" me to be her chauffeur, her psychologist, her errand girl, her doormat, the family Scapegoat, her companion-- and many more dutiful roles.  I found myself knee-deep in her disordered life, much to the neglect of my own mental and physical well-being.

I ended up going VLC, then NC.  I have no regrets about taking her money.  The expectation she had created was just that-- an expectation she created.  I never agreed to any such thing as being her caregiver.  Still, I endured several years of stress because I felt obligated to serve her. 

As moglow said in her post to you, your mother can have whatever conditions she wants.  And I'm saying that I agree with that.  Unless you agree to her terms, however, there is no contract.  If you feel that you can take the money and walk away with no feeling of obligation, do it.

I would, however, plan for a fight out of your NM if she doesn't get her expectations met-- i.e., you coming back into the dysfunction.  It is possible she could take you to court and claim the money was a loan.  I would save the emails as proof there was no such agreement. 

It's highly unlikely your NM will accept your terms that you take the money and resume NC.  I, like you, don't believe her offer of "reparations" is genuine in any way.  She wants you back as her Scapegoat and she's willing to bribe you to come back into the dysfunction.