Husband arranged meet up!!

[The New Me!]

Right, so I've left it a few weeks before posting about the recent never ending saga of my Mum and Step-Dad.

A few weekends ago I nearly caved in and went to see my Mum, it was just a passing comment I made to my husband; my son's birthday is in September together with my Step-Dad's a week later and my Mum's nearly 2 weeks after that.  So these months are always difficult.

Unbeknown to me, my hubby had arranged for all of us to go out for a meal together for our son's birthday - not on the actual date of his birthday - but the day before.  My son let something slip and so I found out - hubby hadn't mentioned anything to me.  I was naturally angry and wanted to know why he hadn't told me, I've never really got down to the real reason why.  He hinted that if I'd known I would have said no.  It was all cancelled anyway and we went out on our own instead.  Hubby let them know by text.

All the old feelings came back; feeling depressed, thinking about self-harm and hubby was actually quite horrible about it all which has really bothered me.  I haven't pursued it anymore because I don't want my estrangement with my M and SD to drive a wedge between us.  He will never truly understand, but it would make it so much easier for me if he did.  I suppose my concern is that he kept it from me and didn't tell me and now I can't help but wonder if he'll do it again.  I do hope not.  Has anyone else encountered similar?  A friend said that it was good I'd made the decision not to go along with it and I'm glad I didn't because it would have set me back again.  He mentioned my Mum getting older and not being here for ever (not exact words) and that he wouldn't bother doing anything like this again and of course this all made me feel guilty which in turn made me feel depressed.  All the usual triggers.  It has affected me, but I'm now starting to get over it.  Anyone's thoughts please? 

[The New Me!]

Any advice would be greatly appreciated... :-)

[Hepatica]

I wonder why your husband has not made the connection between your past struggles with depression and self-harm and your relationship with your Mum and Step-dad? These are two big symptoms and clues that you are recovering from some great psychological pain in relation to these people, hence your choice to be NC in your effort to stabilize and heal.

You know your relationship with your husband well. Do you think he needs more education on trauma and recovery? Is he in the FOG? What more does he need to understand?

[GettingOOTF]

It took me a long time to acknowledge but my PD parents and upbringing had such an impact on who I chose to be in any kind of relationship with. PD relationships don't happen in a vacuum. They reverberate across all areas of our life.

When I met my ex I thought he was wonderful as he treated me so much better than I ever had been. He seemed only to want the best for me, which he did compared my experience with my parents, but they were a really low bar. My upbringing made me think I was worthless, so unworthy of any kindness and love. I doubted everything about myself including my ability to know what was right for me or even how I felt about things. I was so grateful when I met my ex, he was proof that I wasn't as awful as I'd been raised to believe. It never occurred to me that my exes behavior was abusive, that he was deliberately putting me in hurtful situations. When I doubted his motives or felt uncomfortable with his behavior I put it down to me being the problem that I always had been.

My ex, who was diagnosed with BPD about 5 years in to the marriage, also forced a relationship between me and my family using many of the same arguments people use "they are getting old", "I don't want you to regret it later" etc. A generous view is that he was ignorant and trying to do what he thought was right. It was probably closer to the fact that he was a manipulative abuser who didn't care about me enough to listen all the times I'd told him about my family and how much they hurt me. Only you can know where you husband falls here.

For what it's worth I 100% agree with your friend. It is good that you cancelled and great that you are able to protect yourself like this.

At the end of the day your husband doesn't need to understand your estrangement, he only needs to accept it.

He is choosing not only to not accept it but to actively work against you here, and using your son. Instead of acknowledging   that he over-stepped he flipped it back on to you. This is classics behavior in abusive situations and it's a good example of DARVO.

It's impossible to know the ins and outs of any relationship let alone from some online posts and we all respond to these threads with our own bias. Does your husband have a history of putting you in hurtful situations, of colluding with others behind your back and using your son to do so, or is it just with your relationship with your mother? Maybe he's really FOGgy and genuinely means well. Only you can know this.

I highly recommend reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Those of us who grew up in PD families have a way of normalizing abusive behavior. My therapist often said to me when pointing out abusive behavior that I didn't see as abusive that I had a very high tolerance for abuse. 

[The New Me!]

Hi, can you explain what DARVO means, please? 

[GettingOOTF]

I think there is a link to it here in the toolbox but basically it's when you tell someone they did something, they deny it, attack you and make themselves out to be the victim.

With my ex it would sound something like "I'm only trying to help! You're such a bitch. No wonder you don't get on with your family. Nothing I do for you is ever good enough no matter how hard I try".

[Andeza]

"DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender"

Where I grew up, we called it throwing a pity party.

I'm stunned that he would do that... The only two explanations I come up with are that he's seriously FOGged still, or he's got some issues that need working on himself. Not sure which though.

[The New Me!]

Hi, I appreciate your opinions.  I have said at times that I would like to see my Mum and hubby probably can't see the full picture and the fact that I do talk about times of happiness with my Mum before she met SD.  My husband did in actual fact made me realise initially that things weren't right over 5 years ago, when my step-dad wanted me to change the date of a major operation on account of them going on holiday.  I was more worried about upsetting them and them potentially having to change their plans instead of my own health.  It was my husband who went to speak to him and told him that I wouldn't be changing it and was very angry with the way they treated me.  I am not in a manipulative relationship with my husband, in actual fact since I've become estranged from my Mum and Step-Dad we get on better, because I am in a better place.  I really probably think it's because he's never had to deal with parents' like this.  He is lucky.   He hasn't had to live through it.

[GettingOOTF]

I'm glad to hear your relationship improved. Everything about my life improved when I went NC.

Parental estrangement is a very triggering topic for a lot of people and people who haven't lived with family dysfunction simply cannot understand it. I know I don't discuss it with friends and there is nothing they can imagine their family doing that would cause them to go NC. I'm happy for them. The only people who understand are those who have lived it and it's not something I'd wish on anyone.

[The New Me!]

Hi, you're right.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone; it's awful.  I would dearly like a healthy relationship with my Mum, but I have become resigned to the fact that it's simply not possible. 

[SunnyMeadow]

After your hubby made plans behind your back, I think it's time for a deep, no interruptions talk with him.

If it was me I'd tell him that I will make any arrangements with M and SD from now on. He is not to meddle in this especially after all the emotional turmoil you went through. Maybe he needs reminding of what you went through. I'd go on that you do not want him to plan these unplanned meetings ever again. It wouldn't hurt him to know he's supposed to be your safe person and he's not feeling safe right now.

Maybe some individual counseling would make you feel better. I'm sorry you went through this TheNewMe. I'm glad you were strong and didn't go out to eat with them.

[The New Me!]

SunnyMeadow, we have had a long, uninterrupted talk about it and he won't be doing this again.  He does realise what he did wasn't right and the fact that I refused to go out with them proves that. 

[BlakeParsons]

it's actually great that he accepted he wasn't right