Meh!

[Oscen]

I'm feeling meh about future & goals etc. Oh, and housework, but that's pretty normal for me anyway.

I realised in the last 2 weeks that I can finally let go of trying to make it work with my family and just cut off from my parents completely.
I've dropped the hope and I'm also forgiving myself, because I tried my best and it's really not my fault.

So.... now what?

I've always been a terrible procrastinator, with anxiety springing up when I need to get things done.
Now I've lost a lot of the anxiety, yay, but not the lack of motivation. I feel meh! Things I thought mattered to me, I'm not so sure about.
Most of my goals after all were just attempts to get my parents to notice me, and maybe love me.
No wonder I was procrastinating - I could never get love from them anyway, and succeeding attracted mean behaviour or dismissal from them. Ouch.

I know it will pass. Part of this is grief, not just grief for what wasn't, but grief for what will never be. Death of hope.
I know I'll reengage with time, and do it more authentically this time around. My framework for viewing the world and understanding myself is completely different now. So I feel optimistic in general.

But I don't know what to do now. This is uncharted territory. I just want to sit around and talk about it, think about it, watch videos about it, journal about it, get validation about it. Every step forward feels better, but also seems to be hard in an entirely new way that also interferes with me living life.

I just want to get to the bit where I feel ok most of the time, and I can function pretty well most of the time. Is that really so much to ask?

[Boat Babe]

You have to hang around in the chrysalis for a bit as you do that nifty caterpillar / butterfly thing. It's dark, restrictive and a bit boring. There's all sorts of stuff happening, like growing wings, legs, antennae. That's where you are in the process.

Depending on the severity and the duration of your trauma, there's much to repair. And you're exhausted by the toll on your body of living with abuse. Some people need a goodly amount of time to heal. Difficult if there are other demands on your time (kids, jobs,
study,  other responsibilities)

Give yourself all the time you need to recover. Really look after your body, it's so, so important. Connect with good people. Hang on and you'll start to have moments when they don't dominate your thinking and hijack your nervous system. These moments of peace become longer and enjoyment starts to pop up. Just the little things, but life is mostly little things. Sending peace then energy.

[Oscen]

I know, Boat Babe. I've been in the chrysalis a damn long time, working away. All the work I'm doing seems to be getting me deeper in here. I know the drill - it takes however long it takes. Would like to see a bit of sunshine, that's all.

[Hilltop]

Oscen for me I found it helpful to really engross myself in video's, books, articles and that's what I needed to do in the beginning.  I was not motivated for much else.  I also wanted to just get it over with but pushing those feelings down just means they will come up at another time.  I engrossed myself in it until I was literally sick of reading books about it but in all honesty for me it helped a lot.

After that getting my health back has started to become more important.  I have moments of doing well and not so well.  I guess I sometimes just feel exhausted if I think about it too much now, but if I am eating healthy I do feel so much better.  For me eating healthy, exercising and getting good sleep has become the most important thing.  I find that some other things are starting to look interesting and I figure it will slowly move to a better place.

I already feel a ton better just being away from the abuse.  Take it slow but really nurturing yourself is so important now.  Take care of yourself.

[Oscen]

Thanks Hilltop, that's what I did in the beginning too, years ago.

I've been working hard for a long time so I'm frustrated to be back here, floored, again.

I know it takes however long it takes, but I'm moaning anyway because I want to express my frustration and disappointment.

[Cat of the Canals]

I've been back in that place myself recently. Like you, I did the full immersion in reading/watching videos/posting here several years ago. It was just about all I could think about for probably 5-6 months. Then I moved a good distance from my FOO, and things seemed to settle on their own. But in the past few months, all the same old crap has suddenly sprung back to the forefront of my mind. It is really frustrating to feel like, "I'm back here again???? I did this already!"

Despite that frustration, I do think this time feels a little easier. I wonder a lot less if the dysfunction is all in my head. I just don't have many doubts left about who my parents really are. So I feel like I'm re-establishing what I already know and reminding myself of what I need to do to stay safe. And when I'm feeling the most impatience with this whole process, I try to remember that I am undoing DECADES of conditioning by screwed up parents. It's going to take some time to rewire everything, so I try to be gentle and patient with myself throughout.

[Hepatica]

Hi Oscen and everyone here.

I relate to everything you are saying, about how long it takes and uncharted territory and how I just seem to need to sit around and talk about it.

When have we ever been able to sit around and talk about it!!? That's such a big one. There are so many of us, invisibly wounded, and feeling so lonely about what happened to us, and how it still continues to haunt us.

The hope I have is, for me, seeing a psychologist who said that I have all the symptoms of Complex PTSD. The isolation, the lack of trust, the procrastination, the feeling of hopelessness.

Now I realize all the talk therapy in the world could not have healed me, because my nervous system was wired in childhood where I experienced a lot of fear and danger. I cannot tell you how to heal the nervous system but I can tell you that I am reading everything about it and watching a lot of videos and beginning to understand that in what many of us have been through, we have trauma.

The first step for me was going no contact with the source of the problem, my parents and sibling. And it's good that you're there too. Because it gives us a a peaceful environment. I don't think it's easy to heal if you are going back into the source of the pain and haven't worked on the nervous system. Since I've been no contact, which was last fall, I am finding that I am doing more things that I didn't do before. Fun things. Healthy things and meeting with friends for walks. I was so distraught much of the time before this, I just hid away.

I really believe all the research about healing the nervous system and working on regulating. I know there are lots of programs and I'll look into it soon and seek a therapist who has been trained in it. There are no therapists in my city who have training in it yet, so I watch a lot of youtube videos.

Yoga and self-compassion work and mindfulness are really good tools for healing the nervous system though. And you can find a lot of free stuff online.

Good luck!

[blacksheep7]

Hi Oscen and all,

I also can relate.  I've been trying to fight and work at my anxiety all my life, 40 yrs now.
I finally understood the impact on my body and brain in the last 10 yrs when covert narc M took over NF after he died as he had mellowed a bit.  She lived in his shadow which left her with no conflict resolution just like NF, calling us out on threats and blackmail. Her vindictive revenge caused me to go nc.   I disputed her behaviors and said wtf the past is back??

That said, I still struggle with severe Anxiety. Especially in the last month when DH was in hospital with Encephalitis.  It gave me a good scare plus I could not reason with him as he had trouble accepting what happened to him refusing help.  He's ok now and relized his behavior. 

Even though I educated myself on Narcissism and the consequences towards us ACONs , it's an ongoing battle and sometimes it's hard to pinpoint what the reason is.  So like you, I take out the books, read & do the excerises, body relaxation. There are days that I say to myself «when is this going to end»!!. Yes, hopelessness sets in. Being restricted because of Covid does not help.  Friends don't call like they used to, too busy in their world, some always taking care of adult kids. That, I can not understand!  I'm learning to let go.

It's constant work which involves self-awarness and self-care.  It's encouraging for me to see that I'm not alone ....if you know what I mean.    Five steps forward, two backwards.  All in all it means that I still have trouble managing diffcult phases in life.  I still have Fears.

to all

[Jolie40]

Would like to see a bit of sunshine, that's all.

it helps to get outside & see the sunshine 
usually feel better after being outside at a park or  walking around neighborhood
picking our red tomatoes & looking at our sunflowers makes me smile

after a year of NC, feel that I'm relaxing more
also, feel I deserve to relax and so do you!