How Can I Leave Her There? It's Becoming a Death Trap

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Covid is spreading like wildfire in my mom's AL.  I'm her POA.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know how I'll live with myself if I leave her there.  She doesn't seem to have it yet.

They won't allow anyone back if they leave; not as long as Covid is still an issue.  She needs 24/7 supervision.  She's not paranoid/psychotic right now since they upped her meds, but she goes in and out of that and is confused.  Of course she probably wouldn't survive Covid.

I'm also very high risk to not make it if I catch Covid due to a lung condition.  I have my food delivered, and don't set foot in anyone's home nor allow them to  enter mine. 

I'm responsible for her.  She lives in my town and I'm her POA.  I can't find an acceptable solution.  I can hardly think about anything else.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm sorry, it sounds like you don't have any great options.

If you did take her out, where would she stay? With you I presume? So you would be alone with each other indefinitely with you as her only caregiver? And you couldn't undo the decision for the duration? Yikes.

I'm assuming a lot above and it might not be accurate. But just because the status quo isn't good doesn't necessarily mean the alternative is better. It sounds like you are in a lot of anguish. I'm so sorry and it makes sense that you would feel that way! But it doesn't help with making a necessary decision when we need to have our logic brains on.

I'm just one person but I don't think you are doing anything wrong no matter what you decide. It's clear you care. It's clear your mother needs a lot medically. You also have the right and duty to take care of yourself.

Even if either of you do get Covid as a result of a decision made, it's NOT the same thing as it being your fault. Your responsibility only goes so far. There is always a fair amount of risk in life. All we can do is weigh the pros and cons, say a prayer, make a choice and hope for the best. I really hope I don't sound condescending. This is a really hard position to be in and I do admire your good will toward your mother! But from your post I suspect you are forgetting your own needs in the equation. So take that for what it's worth.

[Hepatica]

Dear Lookin 2 B Free

If she requires 24/7 medically assisted care she needs someone with medical training to help her. I don't think taking her out and being her caregiver would work for you as you're not trained and then there's the factor for you health wise. How would you maintain your safety when a nurse is coming in and out of your home from various places. They could potentially bring Covid into your house.

Perhaps there are some folks here who can make some suggestions about services where your mother doesn't need to live with you? Taking your mother in puts you at risk in numerous ways. Could you make some phone calls and explain your situation and get some advice?

[nanotech]

Well, to move her out is going to put you at risk because she may already have it, but be asymptomatic.
The process of moving her may also cause her to pass it to someone else in your neighbourhood. Then that person could pass it on... and so on.
Then there's the whole issue of the 24/7 care.

If that was me in that care home, especially with all those heath issues, I wouldn't wish my daughter to risk cutting her life short just to give me a bit longer, when I've already lived long, and my quality of life isn't the best anyway.
It may feel harsh. It isn't. 
We don't have to set ourselves on fire to keep  another person warm.
I know it's your mum. But please don't.

[GettingOOTF]

You are being very loving and responsible for her by having her in the AL, agreeing to the POA, staying up to date with her situation and I’m guessing also making decisions along side the AL staff and doctors.

Being responsible isn’t taking her out and having her come live with you, it’s making the most of the situation you have to deal with.

It does sound like moving her would do more harm. She is getting the care she needs right now and you made the decision with the information you had at the time.

I’m not in this situation and she’s not my mother but it really seems to me that you’ve done all you can and I honestly see no upside to taking her out. They are equipped to give her the kind of care she needs.

There is no need to feel guilty and drive your self crazy worrying about this. I know it’s hard, but you have been a caring and responsible daughter who has gone above and beyond. Please try to be gentle with yourself.

[Adrianna]

To give you some perspective, my grandmother is 98 and in a nursing home. She tested positive but was basically asymptomatic. The nursing home locked down early and it still got in. From what I assume, it's run it's course through most of the ones in my area. It can't really be avoided.

Your mother is getting the care she needs. You are unable to care for her in your home. Even if you moved her tomorrow somewhere else, she might be in the same situation in another facility.

To even consider taking her into your home when she needs 24/7 care is your guilt talking and not based on reality. Apart from the extreme cost and toll on your mental well-being, the constant train of caretakers in and out of your place puts you at risk of catching it.

You're kind, compassionate and doing a great job.  Give yourself some kindness too though!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thank you all so much for your kindness and input.  It really helps to see the situation through someone else's eyes.  Someone who doesn't have the ton of emotional entanglements that I have with this particular mother in this particular situation.   It's the perspective I need (and couldn't get by myself).

I spent almost the whole day consulting with people, at her AL & others, and researching online.   In the end I couldn't find a better place for her to be than there,  where she has 24/7 care and knows where she is.  It's terribly upsetting and disorienting for her to be put through changes. 

It's a really good quality place with staff who really care.  They know her and they know me and they go out of their way to be there for us.   This is a risk and a nightmare for them, too.  Yet they keep showing up to take care of our old and sick family members.  Bless them.  And bless all of you.