New Here - Coping with a Host of Family Issues

[ScarlettOHara]

Oh Scarlett.  Wow.  She kicked you!!  It's just amazing and unbelievable, isn't it?   It is so abusive.
So much of your story is familiar to me.   UPD sibling has always been what you might call "bossy" and indulges herself in rages big and small.  Has done this her whole life.  Seemed to be improving until a family vaca in Europe a few years ago when she really let loose on me for a mistake on my part.  A small mistake.  I finally, at that time, put my foot down and calmly let her know that if she treated me this way I would have to distance myself.  I didn't say it, I just did it.   And of course I've been DARVO'd ever since.
I'm lucky that my parents "get it".  I had a long talk with them about my perception that she has a "problem".  They agreed she has a "problem" though one of my parents is more apt to characterize it as a "quirk".  But I have learned, after extensive reading, that the reason my sibling is as entitled as she is, is because she was always allowed to have rages and was never held accountable.  Never required to apologize or explain.   So toddler tantrums turned into teenage tantrums and rages, and continued from there.  Everyone knew she was "the emotional one" and sort of uneasily chuckled about it.  But nobody put a stop to it.  So sib was quite surprised that at mid-life someone had finally gotten the balls to say "no more".   Of course she will DARVO.   And that is painful. 
I will have limited contact with her, but COVID has a silver lining and I haven't had to see much of her since the rage.   But the time is coming.
I have done lots of meditation and that helps me keep an emotional distance.  My plan is to be cordial.   Just cordial.   We used to have a warm relationship because her rages are not particularly frequent and she is otherwise a truly fun person.  But her rages are vicious (though no kicking).  They eviscerate people.  And no amount of fun and charm can make up for eviscerating people periodically.

I'm the only one in the family to take a stand.  I am quite sure that many many people in her life have taken a stand and been annihilated.   Because we don't live in close proximity, I don't know of all the relationship carnage in her wake, but all her life she has trashed people behind their backs.  Not gotten along in groups or with her bosses.  Everyone is stupid and mean to her it seems.   Classic classic NPD.    My suspicion is that once people are in the "devalued" phase of their relationship with her, they back away slowly and are happy to get away with their lives still mostly intact.   Back away and RUN!!!   I would like to do the same but there are kids involved, and I am going to try to make it work with VLC.

I have a good relationship with my parents.   She has a good relationship with my parents.   But she and I do not have much of a relationship with each other any more.   My parents are "rug sweepers" and prefer not to talk about anything emotional.  Which, looking back, is one reason my sib is as bad as she is now.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this.  My advice is to not stoop to their level or their tricks.  Be real, be cordial, use your actions more than your words.  Meditate or practice mindfulness.  Be ready to walk out the door at any moment and take a walk or a drive.   I recommend the book "The Gaslight Effect" very highly.  It helps you know what to do in the moment.   Take care and post again soon!

Hello LemonLime.  Thanks for letting me know about my messages.

You are lucky that your parents at least somewhat get it when it comes to your PD sibling.  Mine are in complete denial.  Back when Mia was hospitalized for suicidal ideation and cutting I had a serious discussion with my parents and Leah about her behavior and I told them that I believed she has borderline personality disorder.   My mom even went as far as reading Walking on Eggshells and agreed that it sounded exactly like Mia.  But, here we are now, a few years later, and it's like my family has no recollection of those events at all.  Mia hasn't even been in therapy, which she desperately needs.

Since my "reconciliation" with Leah, Mia has been texting me a lot more.  It's annoying.  She's back to full emotional vampire mode with me now.  She told me that she's extremely angry and that she was throwing things at her husband the other day.  I'm not at all surprised, but man, I just don't even want to know.  I have to figure out how to gray rock her texts better because I really don't want to be involved.  It's very sad looking at both of my sisters' lives.  On paper their lives look perfect.  They are both stay at home moms to small kids, married to seemingly nice guys, they have nice homes, nice cars, etc.  But it seems clear to me that neither is very happy. 

Leah's constant one-upmanship with me is so annoying.  It's also pretty sad, actually.  I mean, not to be a snob, but she will never catch up to me financially, socially, or by any other metric I can think of.  I mean, the potential is there, of course, but she has a PD and not too many people want to be around the real her.   She won't put in the work to be a better version of herself. 

Anyway... Thanksgiving is in a couple days.  I can't wait for it to be over.