How to identify the scapegoat?

[pushit]

Background:  Three kids ages 10, 7, 5.  My oldest is quite obviously the golden child, but is there always a scapegoat that goes along with it?  Or not necessarily?  Right now exPDw is focusing most heavily on the oldest as her favorite but I am not seeing any obvious signs of a scapegoat.  It almost seems like Mom is spending tons of energy trying to make sure they all like her house better than mine.  And that may be possible, I've seen plenty of signs of her acting like Mother of the Year.  We haven't been divorced that long, so I suspect she is in full façade mode with all three to be the favorite parent.

Middle child is very sweet and sensitive, and has been pretty easy going recently.  Youngest child is a very sweet boy with some mild age appropriate outbursts at times.  From time to time I've seen a few behaviors that might indicate something is up, but nothing I can really point a finger at to determine which child may be getting scapegoated at Mom's house.

So, could some of you more seasoned veterans give me some pointers as to what signs I may want to look for to determine if one of the kids has been turned into the scapegoat?  I want to make sure I don't miss it, and can focus extra attention on them to make sure they're doing okay.

[Stepping lightly]

Hi Pushit,

My step kids were swapped back and forth for a long time as GC/SG- there are only 2 of them so they just changed roles when BM decided.  For us, the GC would come back to our house very angry, everything in our house was terrible, BM was the best.  The SG would be very clingy, so happy to be at our house, not at all combative like the GC.  I think the biggest symptom for us was the combativeness- BM was always right and we were always wrong. 

There may not be an official SG in your situation, I would be interested to hear from others with more than 2 children how the GC/SG roles play out.

[SparkStillLit]

Well....I was/am the SG. It was honestly pretty Cinderella-ish growing up, except it was my birth family and not steps, and I ended up with Prince PD.
I'd look for sibling resentment that wasn't there before, somebody feeling terrible about themselves when they never used to, the things the other poster mentioned too, and maybe just a kid who suddenly thinks they're shit and everything they do sucks. They might have sudden temper storms too, like when something doesn't "turn out right" or what have you, which may be unusual for them.

[Tinkerbell12]

I personally think there does not always have to be an obvious scapegoat / take the anger on one kid sort of thing. The damage can be done very subtly and covertly even in the form of favoritism. I would look for the adequacy in dozes of attention/affection/taking sides/needs met. My PD partner is kind and nice to all of the 3 kids but he totally favours the youngest, then the oldest, and the middle child is at the bottom of his list with everything. To give you an example, he will firstly go to say good night to the youngest - has a long chat, than the oldest - has still a chat and then to the middle one - just pops the head in and hardly ever has a chat. Driving somewhere, the middle child always is suggested to sit in the middle seat. Calling the kids for dinner, names are shouted in the same order usually - youngest, oldest, middle.

So my point is, the parent can be still nice, respectful, kind to all kids but if there is favoritism the left out kid will feel like a scapegoat, it feels like an advanced level of scapegoating.

[GettingOOTF]

My personal view is also that it’s not alway obvious behavior. So much of what is actually bullying and abuse is seen as normal interactions with children like calling them out on normal behaviors for example being clumsy, belittling their interests, not asking their opinion, not giving them a role in making decisions for themselves and the family.

Any kind of favoritism towards one child automatically puts the other children in lower position in the family and cause them to feel unworthy of the love and attention lavished on siblings.

[Penny Lane]

When you were married, was there an obvious golden child and scapegoat? Or is this a new thing post-divorce?

[pushit]

Thanks everyone for the input.  It's interesting how this doesn't always show up the same way in families.  Perhaps there isn't an obvious SG right now, all the kids are young and pretty much go along with what exPDw says so there isn't much for exPDw to have a bad reaction to.

PL - The oldest was always heavily favored, but not necessarily in spite of the others.  Basically, oldest child is perfect and the best at everything.  No one can tell exPDw anything different.  If there are any issues at school or in activities (and there have been, but very minor) exPDw goes on the attack against the offending party and acts like GC doesn't need to adjust anything.  Whereas, I approach it differently and work with GC to develop the skill the teacher has identified as lacking (listening well, paying attention, staying on task, etc.)  It creates confusion for GC because she thinks I'm harder on her, while Mom just tells her she is doing great at everything.

There are heavy attempts at enmeshment happening between Mom and GC right now too.  I've heard many stories about how Mom stays up late with GC after the other kids are asleep.  They talk and apparently have their "secrets" that GC isn't allowed to tell anyone.  Mom gives her leg rubs and oftentimes just sleeps in the same bed as her.  Mom also told GC that they share the supersensory power of ESP, and that makes them bonded and different from others.  It all feels pretty creepy to me, more like trying to be best friends instead of parenting.  Mom was always super attached to GC, has spent tons of time with her at the expense of work and our relationship ever since GC was a baby.

[Penny Lane]

It's hard for me to say with two how they dynamic would change with three but I think you have a pretty solid idea of how it's playing out given that you've seen it in action. It does sound to me like that pattern has continued so far, that your ex is favoring the oldest but isn't specifically singling out one of the others to be the SG. I also think to some degree that even if you can't suss out the exact dynamics over there, you can figure out what each kid needs and act accordingly.

Some things I've noticed about the kids when they're the scapegoat, in no particular order:
They need a lot more attention, whether that's talks or snuggles or one on one time or whatever
They're a lot more likely to call out things they don't like about their mom's house
They're a lot more likely to defy her "rules" in small ways (for example, she doesn't like her teeth. She tells the kids not to smile with their mouths open, even though their teeth are fine. The SG will always give a real smile and the GC will always give a closed-lip smile in pictures - every time)
Also much less likely to repeat the negative things she says about our house
You would think that they're more likely to throw tantrums but they actually seem a lot happier and can relax into being kids, whereas the GC clearly is stressed from all the pressure BM puts on them
They're less likely to argue about our rules or say stuff like "well mom lets us"
They need more time to recharge, stuff like reading a book or playing alone outside.
Depending on the kid, the GC will either be really bossy toward the older kid or engage in more mean-spiriting mocking behavior (both, I think, allowed and even encouraged by BM)
The SG also sometimes retaliates for the GC's behavior at mom's house, and sometimes will explicitly say "they did this thing to me at mom's house!" like that makes it OK here.

Sometimes we can see from BM's actions too. Like she'll make a big push to get the GC into an activity that she did as a child, but refuse to pay for any activities at all for the other one. She'll buy a bunch of new clothes for the GC and none for the SG. Stuff like that where the discrepancy is so large that it's really obvious. (The only good thing about her flipping favorites is that each kid has been getting new clothes at least once a year, whereas before they would go multiple years without anything new at her house at all.)

In all I actually worry less about the SG than the golden child, who is clearly learning bad behavior patterns from BM. From my experience, if there's a change in the dynamic you will know because it will radically change the dynamic between the kids at your house, and everyone will be on edge while the new "normal" settles in.

I think you probably will see a change. I thought for sure DSS13 would be BM's GC forever. He had since birth, according to DH. But right around the time he entered middle school, friends became a lot more important to him, he started expecting her to do stuff like get him to school on time and remember when his events were. She tried extra hard manipulation for like a month, and then she just ... gave up, and switched golden children. I think since then she realized she can really get the kids' attention by switching GC, because it's flip flopped a couple times and the kids are overall a lot more on edge about it than when the dynamic was static.

But I think it's the same deal whether or not things change: You don't have to treat all the kids equally but you do need to be focused on giving them each what they need, whether that's stuff they're not getting from their mom or age and temperament related needs. It is important that rules be enforced fairly across the board and that if you are giving different things to different kids, you're able to articulate why; you have to work extra hard to make sure the kids don't think you have a favorite like she does. And you especially need to watch for toxic dynamics between the kids. Just because the GC is allowed/encouraged to be mean to the other kids at mom's house doesn't mean they're allowed to here. ALSO the SG(s) are not allowed to retaliate over here; we expect the kids to be kind to each other and try to give them skills to do that.

So like with us obviously DSS13 has more privileges and responsibilities than DSD10. But we are very clear about why. If he complains about doing more chores, we explain that we set his chore level by his age, not in relation to his sister. And conversely when she complains that he gets to have a later bedtime, we explain that it's a simple fact that his body can handle less sleep and it's not a punishment to go to bed. And so on.

On the enmeshment: We've talked about this before but the best way I've found to counteract it is to help them develop critical thinking skills, so they question EVERYTHING (this sort of backfires when they become teenagers but hey at least they're not just going along with peer pressure, right?)

You're probably doing a lot of this. Good parents (not PDs) usually do instinctively base their parenting on what the child needs, not what the parent wants from them. But with the SG/GC dynamic it can't hurt to be extra purposeful about it and to be transparent about the kids so that they don't have to guess why you do the stuff you do.

Oh and PS, that's really bizarre about the ESP, I don't understand how they come up with these things.

[Stepping lightly]

wow- ok...a few striking points.

Regarding ESP- BM told DSD  (GC) that they both remember past lives.  They bond over their "memories" of their past lives, which were also together....I just....can't ...even wrap my head around it.  I just don't even know how to respond to this type of thing when DSD says it...just "wow, that's fascinating".

We have had to be strict about the SG not lashing out at the GC as well.  I always felt like he saw his chance for some retribution that he would never try at BM's.  We know DSD teams up with BM to harrass DSS, so it makes sense to try and turn it around on her when it's just DSD alone.

[pushit]

Thanks again for the responses!  So much wisdom here, I'm very happy I found this forum when I did.  PL - I have to say that your stepchildren are really lucky to have you in their lives, I'm sure your wisdom and balance will help them so much in dealing with BM as they grow.

I'm starting to feel more worried about the GC than the possible SG's too.  So much of what has been written above has become obvious to me in just the past week. 

The kids have been with me for an extended time due to fall break from school, so it's been a great opportunity to connect with them.  They've been doing great and we've really been rolling along for the last 10 days.  An interesting thing happened at the beginning of the break.  One night while getting ready for bed, some arguing started between the kids over who was sleeping in what room and who gets what sleeping bag and other extremely important things.     Well, in the middle of it GC completely broke down and started talking about how she's overstressed.  This turned into an opportunity for us to have a talk after the others went to bed, and I gained a lot of insight into how she is feeling the pressure of being Mom's favorite.  It was a great discussion, and I was able to explain some things to her about life, stress, balancing your life so you can reduce stress, and choosing what things to be worried about and what things to just let go.  Ever since that talk, it's become a regular routine for the kids and I to have discussions before bed.  They have been really excited about it and ask for them every night.

After some reflection I think there is no obvious scapegoat, just a favorite child.  They all get to do activities, they all get clothes, but it is clear that GC is the one who gets the attention.  So, I'll keep an eye on that over time and help GC keep her expectations of herself within reality.  I'll also keep an eye out for retaliation from a SG, but I'm not seeing too much of that right now.  What I do see from time to time is that GC tends to be overcritical of D7 and that upsets D7 a lot.  However, GC has responded well when I correct her on this and is showing more empathy which I'm really happy to see.  (There was a lack of empathy before, and that worried me a lot that there might be signs of another PD in the household)

PL - You mentioned before that I should be on the lookout for pointed questions about why Mom does this or that.  I heard a lot of that in these nightly discussions.  Mom was never directly mentioned, but there were questions about choosing a lot of activities and being stressed about them, whether or not to be stressed about tests in school, etc.  From experience I know that Mom overwhelms them with activities and makes them practice a lot at home so they can advance, and Mom also needs them to be high performers at school.  Based on the questions the kids were asking me, I think they are starting to question why there is so much pressure on them at Mom's house.  So, it's starting....we shall see where it goes from here.

Regarding the ESP thing - It's interesting how I found out about it.  GC sent me a school paper that she turned in to her teacher for a writing assignment, it was a story about how Mom has told her they share ESP powers and the events that led up to that.  It wasn't something that GC told me in private, she wanted to share her schoolwork with me so I read it.  I'm happy that it was shared with the school.  It's one of those instances where I didn't have to do anything, and maybe the teacher will get an insight into the weird parenting that is happening at Mom's house.  I can tell over the last year that some of the teachers have backed off from Mom a little bit while they are becoming more friendly to me.  I thought the paper and whole ESP idea was pretty strange, my guess is GC's teacher raised an eyebrow when she read it too.

[GettingOOTF]

I am the SG in my family. That has never changed and I don’t see it changing. I suffered some terrible abuse and it impacted so many areas of my adult life.

Personally, despite my experiences, I feel like in the long run the GC has a much tougher time of it. My siblings were each the GC of each parent and could do no wrong. They were both parentified at early ages and leaned to “dance” for the attention and status.

I am almost 50. I left home early and built a life for myself with mixed results. Today I am content and very successful in almost all areas of my life.

My siblings have not moved on much from their teenage years in terms of their moods and how they interact with people. They both have low level jobs despite being very hard workers. My youngest sibling is also quite a bit smarter than me and certainly works harder. Neither of them can get out from under the shadow of their upbringing. I think that being the SG helped me to look outside the family and rely on myself more. I know neither of them are happy or content but they can’t break away, they never developed essential life skills and of course my parents pulled them back when they did try to make changes until they simply gave up.

I think on the face of it the SG has it harder, especially as a child and of course it’s not the Pain Olympics but I feel like ultimately it’s the GC who suffers the most.

Edited to add: I think your kids are fortunate that you left and provide them with a break from the PD environment. This will give them a sampling of a different way to live. I wish more than anything someone had given me this opportunity.

[Penny Lane]

Oh boy there's a lot in here and I have some thoughts! You're doing great. Thank you for the kind words about me and really right back at you - this kind of parental attention and thoughtfulness (I believe and I hope!) makes a big difference with PDs.

With the ESP thing - it's probably good that she's sharing it with other people, she can get feedback from them about how bizarre it is. That reminds me that recently one of the kids mentioned that BM was having them do something that at best charitably could be called alternative medicine. But isn't even really that. And DH sort of burst out with "that's not real, that doesn't do anything, there is no science." Obviously not ideal but the way he said it was funny not mean and we all sort of laughed and hopefully they're learning that her delusions are not widely accepted (and they go to the doctor when they're adults).

Here, the pointed questions were really the beginning of a long road of realization. It's good, very good, for the kids to ask this stuff. But I won't lie, it's also very hard to walk the line so that you're not criticizing her while you are giving the kids honest answers. It sounds like you're doing great. As much as possible, especially at the beginning, we stuck to "well here is what we do and here is why." Eventually DSS basically forced us to acknowledge that, yes, it is very different than what BM does and we do have some pretty strong differences of opinion with her, and explain why we didn't subscribe to her philosophy about whatever it was. My favorite, though, is when they don't bring up their mom at all, because then I think we're more free to explain exactly why we approach something in a certain way (without making them feel like we're criticizing their mom for doing the opposite).

I love that you're having nightly discussions. It sounds pretty similar to our bedtime routine that I referenced in a recent thread. These have been incredibly good for the kids and I think they will pay dividends, emotionally, over the years. Having a structure to discuss the hard emotional stuff (as well as a set time to discuss logistics, in our case) really facilitates these important conversations. I think it's so important for the kids to be able to open up to us. Often DSS doesn't even really need me to weigh in, he just needs to talk to someone who believes him about BM, and no one else really gets it.

One last thing, on correcting the GC's interactions with the SG - I think this is absolutely one of the most critical pieces. PDs looooove to divide people. And they don't want the kids to realize that they are all victims of the abuse. But it's in the kids' best interest to be on the same team. It is up to us to give them a model for how to relate to each other in healthy ways, and how to preserve their love for each other, even when they're literally being pitted against each other. I'm glad your DD is responding well to corrections, and I think it's not surprising. At this stage, they do love each other and they do want to be on the same team. (I often literally say that to the kids - we're all n the same team here!) It's only as they get older that those attitudes harden and then division works permanently, if no one intervenes.

GettingOOTF - thank you for coming in here and sharing your experience. It is incredibly instructive to hear what the kids are likely to be going through. Because as hard as we work to help them, we can't really know for sure what they are seeing and what they are thinking.