Grieving Loss of Living Child

hermit crab · January 07, 2020, 04:18:18 PM

I have been NC with my abusive adult child for a little over two years now. Although I stand firm in my decision to do so, I sometimes still struggle with the disappointment and sadness of what our relationship has become. I have also grown quite weary of other folks' insinuations that I "turned my back" on my child.

Are there any other parents here who have experienced any of this? Insights and suggestions would be most welcome.

UPDATE: Am new here and just found the board for dealing with adult children. Please notify me if it gets moved there. Thanks.

Penny Lane · January 10, 2020, 02:00:18 PM

Hi hermit crab and welcome.

You are walking a very hard and lonely road that many people don't understand.

The good news is that people here do get it. We KNOW that you have had good reasons to do what you needed to do.

I don't have any suggestions other than, go easy on yourself, and let yourself grieve the relationship you with you had with your child.

hermit crab · January 10, 2020, 05:30:43 PM

Hello Penny Lane, and thank you for your response. Just hearing your kind, validating words brought an immediate rush of watery relief, as you so accurately described my experience.

I have and will continue to do what you suggested, as I do believe that is the best any of us can really do when faced with going NC with those we love. And simply reading about what other folks are currently enduring with their own children, although sad, helps to reinforce my decision stay NC. I'm hoping to lend some support to those still in crisis, once I become more familiar and comfortable with Out of the FOG.

momnthefog · January 11, 2020, 06:55:18 AM

hermit crab

I believe we all journey this loss, disappointment, grief in ebbs and flows. I can be fine about the estrangement and then see something that reminds me of her or what she was like as a child and feel a rush of memories.

I always return to staying NC. Even LC became abusive and toxic.

As to those who insinuate you've turned your back on your child......they haven't walked in your shoes.

Welcome to the Parents Page!

momnthefog

hermit crab · January 13, 2020, 10:14:13 PM

Hello momnthefog, and thank you for your welcome and response.

I have experienced the exact same thing as you have with your daughter: the memories, attempts at LC, then return to NC, and know that although emotionally difficult at times, it is best for me to remain out of the toxic loop. I realize that what I needed throughout all of this was simply a supportive, understanding ear from those who have (unfortunately) experienced the same. I found that here...thank you

walker63 · January 17, 2020, 05:32:31 PM

I have been lurking here for years and your post hit a familiar chord with me and prompted me to respond.
I haven't seen (what I thought was my mostly normal) daughter in 3 years ever since she ran off with an alcoholic convicted felon. This site has provided me with great insight into her behavior. Personally, being NC saves me from her endless BP attacks but it very much comes with the pain of loss. Some days are easier than others and my only advice is to acknowledge the pain, and to know, that you are not alone.

Magnolia34 · January 29, 2020, 03:01:37 PM

Hi Hermit Crab!

Definitely not alone. My husband and I went 12 months NC with his son a few years ago and are currently going on another 6. We're suspecting a PD for SS and are positive his mother is BPD. Maybe it's fleas, maybe it's just the difficulties of being a young adult. I don't know. All of that to say that I don't think the sadness and loss gets better but your focus eventually changes to other things.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Come back any time.

BigBird · March 29, 2020, 02:40:35 AM

Hello Hermit Crab
The reason I decided to come to "Out of the FOG" tonight was to pose the exact same feelings that you are, so thanks! Because I am feeling the same way you are at this time.
For my wife and I it's only been 6 months NC with our adult child and like you my wife and I stand firm on our decision and our continued efforts to stay with the boundaries that can sometimes be hard to do.
I honored my wife's decision to continue trying things her way as she believed there was still things she could do to help somehow to change the behavior of our daughter. Finally when the counselors out and out let my wife know that for her health sake and for our daughters growth she needed to distance herself and go NC did she finally do so. She knew they were correct all along but as a mother she felt like no kind of a mother would ever cut off a child and the combination of her unconditional love and the guilt that came with such a decision made it very hard for her. But even she knew that she and I had tried everything and done all we possibly could have done with no sign of change. It was very easy for me to have my wife go NC because I could see the damage as well the counselors also realized the signs of the abuse my wife was suffering as a result of the abuse a NPD or PD child can give. Usually you find this kind of thing happen with a spouse of an abusive partner and typically it ends with a divorce. But it's a whole different situation when you're the parents of a PD child.
A few days ago two of my children called me and asked if we were alright. Apparently our PD child decided to post on social media how terrible her parents and family were because they didn't care about her. I know how you feel as a good friends response to her was a sympathetic saddness that she had no idea her parents were doing that sort of thing. It's not the first time, it's hard when they turn to any audience they can and say whatever they decide to say just to get attention and some sort of validation with untrue stories and accusations. The only thing you can do is stick to the boundries and know that those who know and love you will come to you and give you comfort. You know the truth and that's all that matters. There comes the time when you just stop caring what others might think, that's something you just have to do and realize you can't worry about things you can't control.
Our daughter knows she can communicate with me her dad or any of her siblings but she believes we've all abandoned her though all have reached out to her and let her know she is loved and that we welcome her. Only her mom needs to repair from the years of abuse she has taken as she has been the main victim of our daughters attention and will continue to go NC until things change.
I wish I knew that sometime in the future things will turn out for the best and that the relationship can and will be normal without the same struggles but at this point it looks like it will likely take years before that happens.
I hope it helps you to know that there are many of us here that know what you are going through and understand how difficult it is to make the hard decisions that have to be made in order to help both the abuser and the victim. I'm sorry you have to go through this struggle because I know as you do have difficult it is. Thanks for posting your question and concern because the response help me as well.
BB

Adria · March 29, 2020, 12:31:03 PM

Hermit Crab,

I am so sorry you are going through this. Going NC (especially with a child) can be one of the hardest things in the world. Grieving living deaths can be very torturous emotionally. And to add to that, people can be so cruel making you question who you are and why you went NC. Please know you are not alone, and this is a safe place where people just like you understand and empathize. When people come at you, sometimes silence and a smile can be the best reaction. Please stay strong and take good care of yourself. Hugs, Adria

Ive77777 · January 25, 2021, 06:34:51 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can relate as I'm considering going NC with my AS . For many years I've managed with LC but it always ends with abuse and the suicide threat if things don't go his way. I have MS and the stress causes me great harm. So I'm seriously contemplating NC. It's heartbreaking but I don't feel I have a choice. No matter what I do to help him its never enough. Maybe grieving for a living person is worse because there's no closure? I hope you find peace and I'm so sorry that we have to make this decision.

Graphiclady · January 27, 2021, 11:32:22 AM

Dear Hermit Crab,

I am in the same situation as you. Grieving the loss of my two living Adult Children.
An elder Boy who is 28, and a younger daughter who is 26.
They both have NPD, both narcissists. Their father, from whom I am divorced has NPD too.
I read books about how narcissists can raise narcissists, and both my Children became a danger for me because I live alone.
My son hates women, he was doing to me a terrible verbal abuse of Gender, and my daughter just hates me because she envies me like much NPD's do, NED'S deal with issues of envy.

All these seems so unusual, but as I have read you here, and from other sources, we are definitely not alone.
And this kind of situations do happen.

Following the advice of my Therapist, I am taking care of myself, nurturing myself, healing my own inner child, and being kind to myself.

They are just gone forever, from my life.

All that remains is the nombroud photo albums since birth up to one year ago, of both.

This is maybe a time for you, and me for introspection and self-care, building self-esterm, and self-love.

Daniella · February 01, 2021, 10:32:08 AM

Hermit Crab,

I am having the same struggles. I have been almost NC since September, there were a few emails exchanged where I pointed out her lies and abuse and that until she could respect my boundaries, I did not want her in my life. She responded asking for therapy together, and then was told how horrible a parent I am and that she is going NC until I "get psychological help". So the emails weren't about working things out, it was about her "winning" and instigating the no contact so she could tell people that she had to cut off contact with me. I figured that I didn't care if she did that, it got me peace and quiet and time to heal, which is my goal. Those close to me know the truth and the only ones who are believing her lies, are mostly people who don't matter in my life, with the exception of one of her siblings who also joined in the attacks, so I am NC with him as well. So thankfully I don't have to deal with the "you are a bad parent" part of this.

It's hard to lose 2 living children. I don't miss the drama, but there is a lot of grief. I have spent a lot of time looking back at past events with my new knowledge, and dealing with the feelings of being used, of having jumped through hoops for both of them, of the betrayal by both of them, and generally wondering how I can ever trust anyone again? And having to constantly squash the hope that they will change and we can be a family again, because I know logically that isn't going to happen.

I have been focusing on taking care of me. Working on projects - just taught myself to sew - crafty creative stuff. I have also been purging items from my house that they gave me in the past, mostly items that were "have to get mom a gift" items. Eventually I will tackle all the photos, I will keep a small album of each child, but the rest will be sent to them to do whatever with. I am not trying to erase my children, but I also don't want reminders of the pain they have caused all over my house.

Hang in there, you are not alone in this struggle.